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Wednesday, 25 August 04 ::
i've been trying to peg down what it is i'm feeling today. why i am in such a crabby mood. why i just want to get back in bed for the day, wake up hoping tommorrow is better.
overwhelmed is one reason. it seems like there is too much to do. it seems as though i am taking up slack, slack that i do'nt want to take up. and also i feel like i'm being micro managed. i'm constantly on edge, waiting for the next questioning round of why i am doing what and what i am doing and why. i can't do anything without a question of why something wasn't done this way or that. i'm constantly on edge knowing that nothing is ever good enough. i put enough pressure on myself to be perfect, i certainly don't need anyone else doing it to me too. no, i cannot relax, ever.
i'm frustrated because i'm constantly being given excuses for someone else's behavior. i'm being told that this is just the way they are and nothing will change it. i'm being told, though, that i must change my behavior for that person. i'm being told that this is the system we are working in and i have to, essientally, deal with it, suck it up, because its people like this that get to the top.. not people who are willing to take up slack, not people who will do nearly everything, even though i might grumble doing it. i'm also being told how wonderful said person is.
my true belief in social change is not about taking to the streets and having people march. its never something i've believed whole heartedly in, and looking at the past 2 years of protest, that disbelief in marching has become even greater. with the current state of being i know that what large groups of people say doesn't matter, what dick cheney proved to me yesterday (or some day recently) was that it is the heart to heart knowledge and connection that truly changes minds.
yeah. i've spent a lot of time connecting with people one on one. developing relationships, being open, being willing to talk. i know that true change of heart comes with the knowledge of effect. i know that true social change happens not in large global protests, but instead in small heart to heart conversations.
and so my problem and my feeling of being overwhelmed comes with the fact that i'm having to deal in a system that people say can't be changed. and i'm sitting here wondering that if this system can't be changed in eugene, that if people living in eugene who say they believe in social change can't be approached about their disrespectful attitudes towards me and other me's how can we ever make change? no, if we can't make change in the one on one then we can't ever expect change to come through the electoral process.
the electoral process is mean and cruel. it takes people in and spits them out. it grinds and grounds on the very being of a person. no matter what you do, you always question. no matter what happens its never ever right. the electoral process is supposed to be the greatest mechanism for change because we are electing people that can make the changes through laws and policies in all levels of governments, but in fact, it is not. it is archaic, it is afraid of change, it is afraid of seeing that what is not happening should be.
i was hoping that rain would wash some of this crap all away, but what it has done instead has made things very stifling. we're stuck inside and we can't go out without fear of being not perfectly dry anymore.
posted by brooke at August 25, 2004 10:55 AM
