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| August 2004 »
Friday, 30 July 04
want to get this down.
another reason why i live in eugene? because at night i can ride home on the bike path and look over to see the willamette river glowing from the light of the moon. goddess, you can't just get that anywhere. yes, thats why most of us are willing to earn far below what we should be. yes, it is.
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my doc was great today. have i mentioned what a great doc i have? really and truly. if everyone could have a doctor like her the world would be such a better place. and you think i just say that? no, i don't. because as a rule i hate doctors. i've got a history with them that goes back to childhood. not a pleasant one. this must mean she's more special than your most special doc.
anyhow, she and i talked about the current state of my ailment and other life stuff.. she said just said to me the basics.. 'you want to be with a partner and you aren't. you want to be a parent and you aren't. makes sense you are unsatisfied with your current life.' nicely put dr. c. love ya.
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i must be ovulating. my want to be a mother is stronger now than it has been in awhile (probably just a month). i should track these things. my ovulating. you'd think after reading blogs of those fabulously funny and strong infertile women that i would. but i don't. and after having what i have that would help track that, i would. but i don't. cause i'm lazy. and i fear it would make me wanna be a mamma even more than i do.
wanna be a mamma right now?? how would i ever afford it??
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i went out to drinks with this fabulous group of women tonight. they are all women who took prominent rolls in the recent mayoral campaign. on several occasions i looked around at these fabulous women and just thought about what they just made happen for our city. really. it was huge. and then i'd think about myself. because, i was one of them. not that i worked on that campaign, but i too was one of them because i had taken a prominent roll in another campaign. yes, i did as big a thing to change this city as they did. sometimes its just hard to believe. really and truly.
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what else?
gonna cook up some chicken for the mama cat now. its late. she'll appreciate it.
Posted by brooke at 10:31 PM
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this and that.
my life, so exciting..
didn't get much done today. though maybe it looks like it? i might actually get the thing up north going that needs to be gotten done at last minute. wouldn't that be exciting? i fell dead in my tracks about getting it going when no one returned my calls and then after a hit of diet coke caffiene i got some better ideas.. and one actually worked.. sorta. another idea came through but it was essientally the same idea as the caffiene inspired idea. THE POINT IS.. i sat and said 'gollee brooke, you sure aren't being a go-getter.. sitting on your butt like this' so i got off it and moved forward.
but i still haven't gotten the project done that i was awake first thing this morning for :P gotta get that done tommorrow. got a list of people to call already tommorrow. gotta gotta gotta.
but i did further the cheese exursion with the mama cat and her babies.. i had to take a call and i left my cheese on the step, they proceeded to knaw (is that a word??) on half of the block, so they got it :P.. luckily iv'e got some freezer-burned chicken i'm not going to eat that i'll cook up for them. it'll be better for their digestive tracks.
what else? i made a fit about going and tabling at pride.. 'i am not going to table alone. i did that last year, and it was lonely.. and awful. i won't do it again. i'll go help r set up and p if she tables, but the queers, well, i'm not the most popular person with them anymore.. and besides, this whole 'we wanna get married crap' might just make me want to kick some chins if i hear it too much'.. k was sympathetic and i am going to go table but not alone.
what else? our campaign co-manager who doesn't know me just sent me an email 'you are awesome' ahshahahaha i know, i know.. but just wait till you hear what i HAVEN'T done. blech. but luckily co-manager c says 'you shouldn't go through all that stuff, you should call some other folks so they can help you with that stuff.. folks who know the issues better. you don't want to have to spend time doing that if you don't have too.' yeah c. i'm going to pick is brain in the morning about who i should contact about what issues.
what else? MY DSL.. I WANT IT NOW. i'm counting the days. monday they said. GODDESS, IT CAN'T COME SOON ENOUGH. how did i go THIS long??
long weekend. gotta go to the rural area EARLY on saturday. then a festival saturday evening.. then pride. then monday i've got breakfast with a friend, a possible afternoon meeting, and an evening meeting.
'night.
ps. my ma is now back in the states, where she should be. and have i mentioned that my nephew is the cutest baby alive?? that is until i pop out or adopt my own, someday :)
Posted by brooke at 12:16 AM
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Thursday, 29 July 04
anyone else?
am i the only one who thinks that holly near is really a lounge singer in disguise as a folk/let's save the world/ singer?
Posted by brooke at 10:16 AM
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Wednesday, 28 July 04
maybe, maybe not..
today was great. i flew through the day. an excellent phone call with j first thing this morning. then an excellent meeting and talking with j for 2 hours. then my car got booted, which i really didn't care about because i'd already budgeted for it, and i was simply playing cat and mouse with the carbooting people.. i was delightedly amused when i called to have the car un-booted.. "oh, its only going to cost $$$ to remove it? i had budged $$$ to pay the tickets.. oh wait, how'd y'all get me? i'm not breaking any parking law? oh, you were waiting to find me! i got caught! hahahahahahaha" then a quick conversation with d, a pleasant conversation with qwest, they'll give me a great deal on a phone line.. and then calling p and saying to her 'i'm waiting, the day is going so smoothly, everything is falling in to place, i'm going to get shit upon.' p assures me everything will go smoothly
i just shouldn't start talking about how ducky things are going. nope nope nope.
agh.
*sigh*
but it'll all be okay, i'm sure. everyone is still grumpy? still learning how to work together? goddess i wish j were on this project. and now i'm thinking about volunteering to work with j for sometime just so i can work with her cause she's just so good.. "think of men as 12 year olds." hahahahaha that was great.. a whole new vision i had. but still..
where am i?
oh yeah. the shoe dropped, my mood plummeted.
but i spent 1/2 hour feeding a mama cat and her 2 kittens cheese, 2 of the many my neighbor feeds.. maybe there's hope that they'll want me to pet them? it just felt good to be nurturing to others that aren't spoiled with a home and human of their own. the whole time i'm thinking 'i'm giving them my cheese. this feels good. i love my cheese, but they need it more.' goddess, i am just so selfless :P
i have a doctors appt on friday. my chronic illness is currently not being treated with any medication. i don't respond to it. its been a year since we've talked about meds. or maybe not? maybe it was just my physical in march? goddess, i hope not. so, i'm hoping its been long enough since our last talk that maybe a new med has come out on the market? wouldn't that be nice. for awhile i was proud i was not taking meds and going along nicely, but now that stress is adding up and my wish for someone to participate in my life has grown and its not coming to fruition i've decided that on second thought a lifetime of managing this illness without help is not something i really want to do. call me a big wuss, i don't care.
g'night.
Posted by brooke at 11:59 PM
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campaigning!
jodi writes about getting involved with the current presidential campaign.. a great post, really. and i'm so jazzed there is another blogger jumping on the campaign trail.. when october hits and the seemingly 24 hour days and constant rush of adrenaline have started its nice to know i'm not going to be alone in blogland.
here is what i said in her comments..
yet another great post jodi! just one thing. the other races that are going on.. the less sexy ones.. the local races.. the positions that most folks don't about, the ones that have an affect on your daily life, the economic climate for your city, town, county, state. folks in those campaigns need the help as much as the national campaign does.. in someways more, because their (okay, OUR) candidates aren't getting the press that the presidential candidates are. we don't get nearly the same amount of 'earned' media. so, folks, contact your local democratic party, ask how you can help your neighbor get elected to the office they are running for.. its not as sexy, but you are much more likely to get to meet the candidate :)
Posted by brooke at 03:53 PM
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Tuesday, 27 July 04
men should be..
after the emails that flew around last night, i am currently holding the opinion that men who have egos so big that women need to pull little tricks to be able to get around the ego should simply be castrated. maybe less testosterone will settle that ego down to a manageable point.
Posted by brooke at 01:30 PM
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Monday, 26 July 04
and the mood swings just keep at me.
i must not have gained AS MUCH weight over the last month or so as i imagined. because my OLD, re: pre gaining 60lbs, lifejacket FITS! my lovely purple lifejacket, my lovely one bought at the nantahala outdoor center 6 years ago, FITS ME.
OH MY GODDESS. I AM HAPPY.
and tommorrow morning, i'm going to REI. i'm replacing the ropes i misplaced while at the fair. then i am getting in my car, with my bike in the back, and driving to oregon river sports. i will drop my boat off there, drive down to alton baker park, drop my car off, ride my bike back to ORS and paddle merrily down the willamette. *first thing* in the morning. by myself. happily.
oh my goddess. i've been looking forward to paddling with MY lifejacket, not that XXL behemoth i bought a few years ago.
this will feel good.
for those of you new to the story
i was a whitewater kayaker many many many moons ago. i was so good i was a member of the 1991 jr. national whitewater slalom team. a year later i raced in the 1992 whitewater slalom olympic trials..
fast forward 12 years. only been paddling on and off, suffered major burnout. had a comeback recreationally in 1994 and 1998, then moved out here. water too cold. small fish in a big pond, no longer a big fish in a small pond. hard on my ego. then i get sick, gain 60lbs on medication, i stop boating. i buy a canoe and the behemoth lifejacket, hate both. paddle once in 5 years. i go to baja and realize maybe i want to boat again. i go boating once since february, on flatwater. i hate flatwater. tommorrow is my first day out on whitewater in 5 years. class i-ii whitewater, but whitewater nonetheless. and yes, i'm comfortable enough with my skills to know that paddling on class i-ii by myself is not an issue.
we'll see what my future in boating has for me. i hope i find some joy in it again. i hope i loose my fear of dying in class III rapids, cause i won't. i hope i learn my love of weekend boating again. i hope i get to surf on that wave on lake creek this fall or winter.
we'll see.
but right now i'm just jazzed that my beautiful purple lifejacket with the beautiful flower on the back fits me again.
Posted by brooke at 09:35 PM
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i'm sick again.
i'm sick again. i've been fighting it and denying it.. but its inescapable. and at a time when i thought everything illness wise was under control. i am ready to re-enter the world a success. but no, i'm denied it.
and for all you one or two readers out there who think life sucks with all you are going through.. and you have a partner. try doing life sucks without a partner, all alone. really. it is a hell of a lot hellish knowing that not only can't you succeed in life but you are also not worthy enough to be able to create your own family unit, that even that you have failed at.. and i'm not talking about children, i'm just talking about you and another person, another person who deems you worthy enough. try it. really, you think life sucks now, try my life.
Posted by brooke at 08:32 PM
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dsl!
finally! finally! finally! i can afford dsl!!! i put my order in today with qwest. .99 activation fee till 30 july! 24.99 a month! yeee haww! yes, its the low stuff, but i don't care. it'll be soo much better than what iv'e got right now!
Posted by brooke at 05:03 PM
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Sunday, 25 July 04
campaign work
i've taken a part time job working for a local campaign. i'm excited about it? yeah. i am.
we've got a great big team working with us. and there are 4 of us on staff. my friend c is one of the co-managers, managing the campaign with d, a woman i'd never met till friday. i like her a lot already. she's got wonderful grounded energy, so different from my friend c and i. i've not yet seen the office, though we hear it is TINY. like this |-------| tiny. 4 of us in there. *agh* but not all the time 4 of us, thats good. i'm not looking forward to the times when we want at each others throats, its the times when we're all laughing that i'm looking forward too.
anyhow.
i've got reservations about it all.. not related to the campaign.. things to do with me and my personal life. ones that i'm not going to go into in any public forum.
Posted by brooke at 10:49 PM
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Friday, 23 July 04
and the heat!
its HOT. everytime i've looked at ava the last 2 days this is the position she's been in (or a similar one). she walks outside and falls into this position, she comes in, eats something, uses the box, and promptly falls down into this position. its either grooming, or in this position.
i asked her why. why is she lying around MORE than normal?
she looked at me like i was some subserviant creature. "really," she said, "are you that thick? its HOT. and we live in the pacific northwest where you idiots don't have air conditioning."
it topped out at 103 degrees, and i was in lowell, just about .10 miles from two lakes, and all i did was jump in and out on my way home.
(more is a long rant).
in allergy news, i'm currently taking zyrtec every night. its expensive, i've got an 8 day free sample from my good doctor. it seems to be doing something.. but i can definetly feel it unkicking in after about 18 hours. and the allergies seem to be settling more and more in my lungs.
and lastly..
tommorrow j, k, and i are doing a presentation on why marriage sucks and what the queer community should be doing instead. j will take the marriage theories, k will probably take the action piece, and i get the anger part..
re: the queers ask for the help from the progressive community, and then they don't give back. when really what they are wanting from marriage, besides equality, is all the things the progressives (well, those with a social mind that extends beyond "we shouldn't discriminate!") are fighting for. for everyone. not just those privilaged to be married, or those privilaged to married to someone who has the privilage of having economic benefits that are worthy of extending to a partner.
amazing. people talk and talk and talk and they forget that there are a lot of jobs out there without benefits, or benefits that suck so bad that you wouldn't want to inflict them on your worst enemy. and the scary thing, a lot of these people are running the country.
'of course sharing heatlh coverage with a partner..' that is, if you or your partner has a job that provides you with health care, not all jobs do.
goddess..
and further, people forget that NOT EVERYONE IS LUCKY ENOUGH TO FIND A PARTNER. there is a whole cadre of single people out there that don't have the benefit of having said partner. we're screwed. and people forget that. they ignore it.
oh goddess.. here comes the single rant.
really. life is a hell of a lot easier with a partner. and don't tell me differently. goddess, if i had a partner to go through the bad shit with, even if we were arguing a lot. the knowledge that it was WE and not ME.. people just forget how sucky it is to be single. do you really think if being single were better that we'd live in such a coupled centered society? goddess. some people, most coupled people, even the ones who are aware, just can't get out of their knowledge..
'oh, i'd love to be single because of the relationship crap...' then i remind them of the fact that if things go shitty its JUST ME, if i loose my apartment because my landlord sells the place, its JUST ME that holds the bag..
if they are really listening, thats when they get it, thats when they are transported, ever so shortly, back to life as a single person. and they usually want to run as fast as they can from me. i scare them. what could happen if they separate.
thats the only advantage i have. i know i can survive as a single person. if i am ever lucky enough to find a partner, i will always have the very smug knowledge that i CAN do it alone. i can, because i am getting through one of the toughest times a person can survive ALL ON MY OWN (yes, i have a family that i love tremendously, but they are 3000 miles away and not here for the day to day support that most people forget is more valuable than it appears to be).
so, back to queer marriage. i'll be the anger of the single person. i'll be the anger of a person who has worked in the queer movement for nearly a decade and the peace and justice movement very seriously for the past 1.5 years and i've seen that the queer movement doesn't do politics, unless its ONLY theirs. and it pisses me off. they want and they want and they want and they refuse to give back. they refuse to look past the establishment. they refuse to look past privilage.. and the folks who strove to redefine society back in the 70's have bought into it lock stock and barrel and they are only screwing us all over in the process.
at least i'm not blind to it. at least i'm not blind to it and buying their crappy product.
Posted by brooke at 11:41 PM
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heat and depression, they go hand in hand??
its 84 degrees and only 11:50am. we're doomed. its going to get hot, very hot. i've got to go to lowell this afternoon to hang out with a bunch of rural oregonians, IN THE HEAT.
i don't give a flying fig that i'm from the southeast, that i used to manage large groups of kids in 100 degree heat and 100% humidity.. i just don't have it in me. I AM A BIG HEAT WUS. I don't like it, i don't thrive in it.. i'm like a cat, i just want to lie down and pant.. or something akin to panting.
i'm much happier on days when the high is 60, or 70 tops. i'll still go swimming on days like that. i'll still do whatever i want too. and when i'm done with whatever activity i'm doing i can put a nice longsleeve shirt on and feel just comfy.
yes, scotland and ireland in mid june were just perfect for me for summer. i'll take a scottish winter, or a canadian one. (side note: can i become an expat too?)
goddess.. and its not even the hottest month of the year, we're still a week out from it.
in other news..
i'm suffering from the 'i could fall off the earth and die and no one would notice' blues.
*sigh*
really, i could fall off the earth and die and no one would notice, for a few days at least.
this being single and not having a regular place to go to work thing just sucks, big time. i go through this 'i could fall off the earth and die and no one would notice' thing on a regular basis. i also go through the 'and no one would care' thing too.. and i know thats not true.. i tell myself over and over in my head..
the thrill of the beginning of the week has tempered because at this point i've not heard anything else, since tuesday, about my potential campaign work. and i've not done much, trying to gear myself up to do a task i'm puttin off.. so, we'll see. it would be a great boost for me to do this, but if there's no place for me, i guess i'll understand. maybe. maybe not. *hurt* even after hearing something totally wonderful was said about me at another meeting.
*sigh*
i'm just hoping everyone thinks i'm totally busy and thats why no one has called.
*sigh*
Posted by brooke at 11:50 AM
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Thursday, 22 July 04
oh to be there..
umm.. yeah. i'd like to be there, not here.. esp. on sunday, as lance armstrong rides into paris.. hopefully wearing the yellow journey.
yes, i'm a big fan, and not just because of lance armstrong, though i must admit that following his wins over the last 5 years, and this potential 6th year win, has been amazing. but i was there watching greg lemond as a kid.
every year the sportscasters describe the champs.. they talk about the cobblestones, the fact that it does have somewhat of a rise to it, that its not an even riding surface. walking down it and crossing it the many times i did i kept thinking about how amazing that street must be with no one on it but bikes. absolutely amazing.
unfortunately i've got meetings ALL day on sunday so i won't be able to see any coverage :(
and in weather news.. it was 97 degrees today in oregon. thats a lot. and take it from me.. it sucks. in a land of no air conditioning, it sucks. thank goddess for my car, and its ac!
oh my i'm boring these days. sorry.
Posted by brooke at 11:25 PM
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Wednesday, 21 July 04
everybody is crabby..
just got back from talking to my doc. apparently everyone is crabby right now. everyone in eugene that is.. re: mercury is in retrograde, just over eugene.
i think it has to do with the fact that its so freakin' hot outside and no one has air conditioning.. because we don't need it in the pacific northwest.. pah! i say. i need air conditioning! luckily i've got it in my car.
oh yeah, and allergies can kick in at anytime in your lifetime. and yeah, they make you tired. and there is something you can do for them, but not a lot.
Posted by brooke at 01:34 PM
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Tuesday, 20 July 04
this and that.
my life is slowly returning to some semblance of normal. slowly.
some people know the whole hideous story. most, nowadays, don't. i won't go into it. i don't need to.
anyhow.
my life is slowly returning to some semblance of normal, after years of crap.
i'm excited about the little things. the new bed i got, the bed spread (a purple, pink, and beige quilt with embroidered flowers and a matching sham!), the dishes (you should see the big plates, such a beautiful shade of purple!).. and the newest addition, a list on the fridge. a piece of paper, one that says "things needed for the apartment" and the other "grocery list".. both held on by the many magnets (half of which are those cool celestial seasonings magnets that were / are coming in the boxes and such good powerful magnets).. might not seem like a big deal, but this normal thing, well.. considering where i've been its huge.
Posted by brooke at 10:59 PM
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good stuff.
i'm being hired by a local campaign to work for the next 3 months! i didn't even apply. gotta thank andrea ortiz for that! and of course my friend m who pulled me into that campaign. goddess, he drives me nuts at times, but he does think of me in instances like that, which i'm ever so grateful for.
i slept till 11 today. but i was up till 2 last night. my best working hours, i've realized, are at night. after 10. so, i don't feel bad about this. and being that yesterday i got up early and i was totally fucked for the day, until 10pm last night, its all good.
mom got farenheit 9/11 at a carboot sale in the UK for me! i'll have it sooner than anyone else! i'll have it the first week of august! no special additions to it, but i don't care!
and dad is coming out in september or october. if he comes in october he'll be able to spend more time, but i'll be waaaay busy because thats crunch time for campaigns.. but i told him he'd just have to tag along with me, which he was fine with me.. "i'll act as your body guard, anyone messes with you, i'll take them out".. hahahahaha
yes, i get along just splendidly with both my parents. can't live with them, but i can visit them and they can visit me.
Posted by brooke at 11:19 AM
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it never ends!
the fiddling with the blog. jeez.
Posted by brooke at 01:48 AM
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Monday, 19 July 04
writing grants..
is not my strong point. in fact, i suck at it. i'd much rather work on voter targeting stuff..
Posted by brooke at 05:24 PM
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on queer marriage
i'm really angry. thats the feeling i have today. anger.
queer marriage is heating up in oregon. there's going to be a constitutional amendment on the ballot, one to ban queer marriage. and yes, i am against it.. and if some right wing nut starts off about why we should have this ban, or even some moderate nut starts off on why civil unions are just fine, i'll go after them with my claws out. i'll rip them to shreds.
but if i'm talking to a queer marriage advocate, i'll rip them to shreds too. because, really, marriage is privilage. and here is the queer establishment asking for 3 million dollars and the heart and soul of every queer person in oregon (because when doing a campaign, to do it right and to win, you gotta give your heart and soul, its that much work), and in the end, they aren't giving anything back. the queer establishment is not out there in the workers rights movement, they aren't doing diddly-shit about universal health care, they aren't advocating for better housing standards.. and really, they aren't just asking the queers, they are also asking their allies, to give and give and give, without giving anything back.
it infuriates me that the queers need the help of the progressive movement but they aren't willing to give anything back to it. they aren't willing to put their name and face on other movements. but you talk to those other movements, and they'll endorse the fight against this defense of marriage act, they'll put their name there. they'll gladly do the work. because they know that discrimiation is bad.
i'm not fully vocalizing what it is i'm talking about. marriage is privilage, the queers don't see that, they don't care, they are selling us a bill of goods that stink, and what do most of us get for that bill of goods? nada. nothing.
give me 3 million dollars, the eugene progressive community, and we could run a kick ass campaign in favor of universal health care.. this will benefit not only us but also the queer establishment.
btw, i'm a bi-girl who identified as lesbian for 8 years, i've been out for 10 years, i've worked in the movement for a decade.
Posted by brooke at 10:50 AM
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Sunday, 18 July 04
just think!
if i keep putting off something i don't want to do more than cleaning by cleaning this place will be clean enough for me to FINALLY invite my baja pals over for dinner!
Posted by brooke at 01:34 PM
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yes, this sucks.
i can't get this to work..
but right now i have bigger fish to fry.. my first ever grant to write, thats been put off for 3 days. fucker.
but in other news i finally talked to my friend s about possibly becoming a foster parent. she's a social worker. it can be done. living in a 1 bedroom apartment i can be placed with a baby. we'll see. considering i'm job hunting and all. and gearing up for campaign season and all. but i do have an income and folks want to give me contract work. i'm likely just to ask to become a weekend emergency placement for the time being. exciting, but makes me a bit nervous. i've always thought that i'd become a foster parent first.
goddess.. s and i took her daughter out yesterday to the park. we rode over on our bikes.. *sigh* motherhood was beckoning.
i'm putting this off. this sucks.
Posted by brooke at 11:58 AM
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no, of course it doesn't work.
css won't work, comments won't work.
piss.
Posted by brooke at 01:09 AM
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hot damn?
is the index at least running?
Posted by brooke at 12:47 AM
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