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Sunday, 1 August 04 ::
pride day in the valley
its pride day in the valley here. well, not the whole valley, eugene specifically. it'll be my 10th pride day. not actually going to all 10.. sporadically going, hitting the best ones-- 2 atlanta prides, one san francisco pride, hitting the not so best ones-- 5 eugene prides, one roanoke, va pride..
lots of rainbow stuff. lots of "NO ON MEASURE 36" buttons, sure. lots of happy queer people walking around buying kitschy things, happy that they have their party once a year.
yeah, they. over the last year i have done a transformation. i have left the world of I AM QUEER and have gone to one more like.. "um, i wanna have kids and sex with men, so forgive me while i reject the need to yell YES I ENJOY HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN, but not as much as men TOO" from every butte, rooftop, window, car window, etc
its been an interesting thing, because for so long i was a member of that community, i felt my membership in it to be one of the most sacred things that could ever be bestowed on me. and when i speak about it sometimes i do say "we," because really i have more knowledge of the community than your average woman who likes having sex with men, but more and more it is "they"..
i don't feel connected to the community anymore. i don't willingly embrace all the steryotypes of either a lesbian or bisexual woman, in fact i shun them. its almost like a purging of that in my life. i feel like i'm trying to proove that i am worthy of the love of a man, a man who embraces feminist ideals, but a man nonetheless.
i'm doing what other women do in their teens. i'm shaving my legs for the first time in 5 years, i don lipgloss and moan at the fact that the nail polish i bought was too light to be noticed. i worry about the tattoo i got nearly 10 years ago and wonder if men will be turned away instantly because of it.
i don't want my family to be freakish. i don't want the family that i hope to create to stand out because of who i am. no, i don't mind us sticking out like a sore thumb in republican-we-hate-everyone-but-rich-white-christian america, but that will be because of the beliefs i have spent a life time to cultivate, beliefs that i have spent a large part of the last 13 years wondering how i would best pass on to my yet to be adopted, conceived or fostered children (thanks to s for that so great phrase). no, i don't want a white picket fence, but i want life not to be a freak show either.
being queer isn't easy, no it isn't. take it from someone who has been there full and full. there's a lot of constant fight that goes on to be recognized. there's a lot of inner and outer hatred that has to be constantly dealt with. i want life to be a lot eaiser than the last 31 years have been. i don't want to be a full member of the queer community. yes, i love the queer community and will fight for their right to be who they are in all the glorious colours of the rainbow. this is just not a fight i want for myself anymore. i know that sounds absolutely awful, but its where i am and where i have been.
posted by brooke at August 1, 2004 11:26 AM
Hey there Brooke. I stumbled on your site accidentally, and read your post about Pride Day in Eugene. I certainly applaud your bravery in making your choices in your life. You have every right to have your life behave however you would wish it to. I just want to say this small thing...having a heterosexual relationship doesn't necessarily mean it isn't a freak show. And Gay families aren't automatically freakish. We all have to beware of pigeonholing each other.
Peace.
posted by: Angela at April 12, 2005 11:37 AM
