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Sunday, 29 July 07
on va tech.
i was writing in another blog, about a completely different topic, but this ended up coming up. it's appropriate for this blog as well:
as i was writing that paragraph i realized that i don’t think i’ve written much here about the impact that the events at va tech has had on me. i think i actually think about it everyday. every time i walk up to my car and see the maroon and orange ‘we remember’ magnet on the back, or every time i get dressed i think about - do i want to wear my va tech ‘we are va tech’ shirt today? and now, now every time someone asks where i’m from, where i grew up, the simple statement of ‘va tech’ seems to stop people in their tracks (i know it will when i say it, i don’t do it on purpose though, it really is a simple fact of my life that i cannot deny now).
as readers know, i wasn’t there, but my family was. none of us close to the events there will ever be the same. no, i will never ever be the same. columbine comes to mind a lot when i think about people in a similar situation. you’d think that, for me, thurston would come to mind instead. my two hometowns both now communities forever scarred, forever impacted, by the same violence of someone desperate to feel, or desperate to stop feeling. it’s a link i can’t deny, but for some reason the shootings at va tech impact my soul to a much much much greater degree than the thurston shootings.
i can’t say that the shootings have made me feel more human, or have lead to a greater sense of ‘isn’t life ducky?’ no, the shootings haven’t lead to any of that. for me, the space i’m in is still a place of great sadness, incredible sadness and shock. i’ve not been back yet. i’ve not processed it in person, i’ve only processed the events through pictures and a visit by 1 set of parents. my dad is coming, and it is sure to come up (how can it not?). i’ll be glad for it to come up, to process it a bit more, to have the energy here.
i’m looking forward to the shock wearing off. i hope the sadness never fully goes away. i hope it never fully goes away because it is the sadness that is a reminder of my hope for compassion. i often loose who i am to anger, fatigue, being too hot, being to cold, mind numbing tv, mind numbing web surfing, cognitive load. when i breathe though, when someone probes with questions that help me to remind myself of who i am, compassion is an important piece. do i need to be sad to have compassion? no. but the sadness about this event is a reminder of the flood of emotions that took place during those first few days, during that first week.
see, i don’t want that event to become something that no longer has an effect on me. i don’t want it to be something that is just a part of the everyday, because it is not an event that happens in the everyday of my life. it was an extraordinary event that should always carry with it extraordinary emotions - two of which are sadness and compassion during an extraordinary time. it is that compassion, during that time, that i think we all need to find. if i am able to react out of compassion during difficult moments, and that can be an example for those around me, then i have served my purpose. one reminder for me will be the sadness around this extraordinary event.
right now though - right now i look forward to get to that sadness. right now, when i think about va tech, i still feel shock. not to the same degree as i did on that day, or the week afterward, but it is still there. and in this moment, as i’m writing about it, tears are in my eyes, and i go back to how i felt that day - that i simply wish it did not happen, that i wish i could turn back time and just make it all not so. i wish, i wish, i wish i could make it all normal again. but i can’t, and that inability for it to be the same again, that is the saddest part of all.
Posted by brooke at 01:16 AM
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Thursday, 26 July 07
think there's free speech in this country?
this is just one example of what is going on in the name of free speech. really, soldiers fighting for our rights? hmm. i support the soldiers, but what they are doing it for? well, it's free speech if what you are speaking about is in agreement with patriotic crap that is still being thrust down people's throats.
*agh*
Posted by brooke at 11:35 PM
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Tuesday, 24 July 07
confession.
i've not read any of the harry p*tter books, but, as of sunday, i have now seen all of the movies. i saw the first one when it was in the theatres, the most recent the day it came out, and the rest over the last week and a half. and i have to admit.. my two favourite characters? sn@pe and valdem*rt. yes, i enjoy dumbeld*re, the fellow himself, and all his buddies, but they are very sweet characters in the tradition of all the sweet characters from before. but sn@pe and valdem*rt, they are just as dark as dark can be. yes, i am a pacifist, yes i like the bright side of things, but, i can appreciate the darkness in those two characters. i guess it's that dark side of myself that's attracted to the characters. we all have a dark side, and it seems that mine is attracted to those two particular characters.
--
i'm headed to lost valley soon. i'm going to assist with the second level of heart of now. i'm looking forward to it, as i've never assisted with this course before and, no matter how much i love heart of now, i was getting a tad bored with it. it's not that i'll never go back to heart of now, i just crave the challenge of this course.
i attended the course 2 years ago this november. it was such a powerful experience that a lot of it is still etched in my mind. the people i connected with are still important to me to this day. in that heart of now has been a life changing experience over a period of time, this was a life changing experience in just a few days. it's hard to believe that it is going on 2 years ago, really.
i can't wait. i can't wait for this new challenge in this part of my life that isn't attended to as much now that i'm in utah, but is as important, maybe even more important, as it was when i was there every month. it's the constant overcoming of challenges that are presented to me that i'm discovering is probably the first lesson here. and so it is that strength, surrounded by people i simply adore, that i'm looking forward to tapping into as i strive to do my best in this upcoming course, that i strive to offer the students. tapping into that strength, surrounded by this community of people that means more to me as each day passes.
Posted by brooke at 09:06 PM
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news around the valley..
really, there's not much. it's pioneer day here in utah. honestly, i'm not sure what it's about, except for the fact that it's a day off, and i don't have class. maybe next year i'll make more of an effort to get it.
also, we had our first fire here in cache valley. i saw a plane dropping fire retardent on it yesterday, and this morning i could still smell the smoke. not too exciting, but being that this is the ever so quiet cache valley, enough to stir up a bit of excitement.
tomorrow is back to the regular work day. i have a lot of it to do. maybe i'll study later today, but right now i'm a bit tired from hiking a good portion of the spring hollow trail early this morning, before the heat set in (though, right now it is only 88, rather than the 98 we've been dealing with). it was a tough walk up, as it was practically straight up hill, but beautiful. so nice that a trail like this lies just 10 minutes out of town. even nicer is that there are trails like this all over the area, just minutes from logan. for all the complaining i do, when i get out of logan, into the canyon, i'm always grateful that i ended up in a place where i can escape phd land so easily. thanks friend s, so glad we finally hooked up for hiking. and thanks to friend w for giving advice about the trail. w & h - maybe naomi sometime?
Posted by brooke at 02:01 PM
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Thursday, 19 July 07
my friend k.
i got to talk to my friend k last night. my friend k in eugene. i've actually cried some about missing her as much as i do. it was a gift, that conversation. why? because the conversation just flowed. we talked about her stuff, my stuff, the in-between. we talked about work, but not in the chat about work all the time sense that i seem to do here, but more from the experiential angle. this is the experience of graduate school, and it sucks. this is the experience of someone like me living in this place, and it sucks. it was comforting to hear her voice, to hear my voice reflected in hers. i didn't feel crazy, i didn't feel like i was constantly seeking to be seen, i didn't feel different. i even found my sense of humour again, i made her laugh, i smiled. i didn't feel crazy, or different, for 40 minutes.
like i said, i'm going home soon. as much as i'd like it to be the same, i know it isn't. as i have moved on with my life - had new experiences, met knew people, changed - so have they. they are all moving forward, being different. but i know that, for the most part, they all still love me. they are my tribe, different, yes, but still my tribe. i fit in, i can breathe, i am not anonymous. i am me when i am home.
i can't wait. i can't wait to tell people i love them, to fall into their embraces, to find out what is new in all their lives, to play with my dear sweet young friend t, to breathe in the air, to feel awkward and out of place in my tribe, to reconnect with that place that sometimes i feel only existed in my dreams, to reconnect with that person that sometimes feels the same way, to start joining the two sides of me yet again. i can't wait. i can't wait to see that 'welcome to oregon' sign along I-84. i'm home. it's different, i'm different, and that's difficult, but that's simply the passage of time, and it's still home. it's still home, and i'll be there soon.
Posted by brooke at 11:23 AM
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Wednesday, 18 July 07
homeward bound.
plans are starting to come together around my next trip home to eugene. i'm trying to schedule it around a HoN course, my work and class schedule.. but frankly I'm in a space where I need to get out of Utah for a bit.
This has been a difficult summer, realizing that the Eugene part of my life is behind me, that I'm starting a new period of my life and I'm not sure how happy I am about that. I didn't leave Eugene because I was unhappy, I left because I knew I wouldn't be able to find a decent job, because I wanted to start a career. This pull between happiness and a career is very very difficult, and there are days when I'm not sure if I've made the right decision. Honestly, I'm just not happy in Utah. I don't fit in here, I really don't. I'd begun to find my tribe but I couldn't make a living so I was unhappy in that area of my life. I wish I could both find my tribe and my career in the same place.
I'm 34, I'm tired of looking, I'm tired of it being so difficult, I'm tired of always being the odd one out. I'm tired of being on my own, alone on this path. I'm tired of forging ahead alone, watching other people seemingly float through life surrounded by people who tell them that they are loved each and every day. I'm tired, I'm tired, I am exhausted. Simply exhausted.
Posted by brooke at 09:45 PM
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audre lorde
i'm reading "the cancer journals" by audre lorde. and - not surprisingly - it's full of wonderful nuggets. here are the one's i've marked in the introduction:
10/3/79
I don't feel like being strong, but do I have a choice? It hurts when even my sisters look at me in the street with cold and silent eyes. I am defined as other in every group I'm a part of. The outside, both strength and weakness. Yet without community there is certainly no liberation, no future, only the most vulnerable and temporary armistice between me and my oppression.
1/1/80
Faith is the last day of Kwanza, and the name of the war against despair, the battle I fight daily. I become better at it. I want to write about that battle, the skirmishes, the losses, the small yet so important victories that make the sweetness of my life.
As women we were raised to fear. If I cannot banish fear completely, I can learn to count it with less. For then fear becomes not a tyrant against which I waste my energy fighting, but a companion, not particularly desirable, yet one who's knowledge can be useful.
I would lie if I did not also speak of loss. Any amputation is a physical and psychic reality that must be integrated into a new sense of self.
For instance, what would happen if an army of one-breasted women descended upon Congress and demanded that the use of carcinogenic, fat-stored hormones in beef-feed be outlawed?
Posted by brooke at 12:35 PM
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Sunday, 15 July 07
waking up.
i hate waking up in the middle of a dream. i always end up so out of it... but it can't be all that bad, considering i've not dreamt in a long time due to insomnia. as i was waking up there was someone in my dreams that i kicked out of my life too many years ago. i need to email them and apologize, and see if they would be willing to invite me back into their life. so, although i may feel out of it, writing this paragraph is proof that my brain is awake.
Posted by brooke at 08:41 AM
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Saturday, 14 July 07
busy day.
well, sort of. and i'm still up.
- met about coding for observation data. and methodology for reciprocal mentoring article.
- futzed around and connected with friends in the old lab.
- spent a long time talking about a variety of things with new official major professor. (aka vtpd - very tall professor dude)*
- went to bear lake with friend s.
- uploaded reciprocal mentoring lit review articles into the wiki.
- coded methodology of 4 more reciprocal mentoring lit review artices.
- uploaded and organized ebls reflection papers and observations (yes, i got very very secretarial tonight).
- i wrote up my program plan tonight. will get vtpd to look at it sometime next week.
- emailed a friend of vtpd at va tech about presenting from a far about a couple of topics.
- emailed all faculty about suggestions for other professors to present for our student group.
- dad made reservations to be in logan at the end of august. due to a celebration of friend d becoming dr. d it looks like he'll get to meet the team i get to work with, and a bunch of other people from this academic world i inhabit. whooo hoo! he'll fit in perfectly, being the slightly neurotic retired academic that he is.
*yes, i have a new major professor. based on the group of folks i now work with. this is the 3rd one i've had. agh. i worry this one may not stick, something may happen just because i like to worry. but all signs are pointing to - this is the right decision. and while a 4th change could happen, that would only be a change to his major professor who started this group, who he works very closely with, so it wouldn't be a big deal (he already said that).
Posted by brooke at 03:20 AM
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Wednesday, 11 July 07
i'm going to vomit.
if another person talks about how difficult it is to do this with a family. frankly, i'd change places with them in an instant.. because no matter all the difficulties that come along with having a family, at the end of a super crappy day, you've got someone to go home to, who loves you, who wants to be in your life in the most intimate ways. at the end of a crappy fucking day, you've got someone to hold you as you cry your eyes out over the most recent failures, or the difficult conversations, or just the stress that comes with this process. i go home to no one, absolutley no one. i have no one to hold me in those moments.
i hate this state, i really do. i hate who i am becoming. in this moment, i just want to go home.
Posted by brooke at 10:24 PM
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lame reason.
i had a brief, but loud discussion with a secretary in the main office today. about the war.
honestly, i'm sooooooooooooo tired of the reason that people give for this damn war - "do you want them to come over and start blowing us up?" give me another reason. really. and give me facts behind your reasons for bombing iraq - i want the data that they had anything to do with what happened on 9/11 (btw, it's already common knowledge that it was a bunch of lies). because once you produce those facts, shit, i'll produce facts that the war is causing more terrorism.
further, if you think that the war is so great - GO THERE. GO TO IRAQ, LIVE THERE. tell me it's the right thing to do then. if you believe in the war - go to the war zone. because even though you may be an innocent bystander in this war - you voted for a man who isn't. there is a country full of people who are just as innocent as you are and didn't even get a voice in who the players in the war would be. in other words - you have more power in this than you do, and since you support it - go put your life at risk (like they do every day).
once you do that, then we'll talk. you come back from that and tell me you support it, and i'll talk to you. then i can have a respectful conversation about it. until then, just shut up.
.. blah blah blah, and then there's the whole religion thing to, which is just a bunch of hypocrisy.. blah blah blah.
Posted by brooke at 04:46 PM
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Saturday, 7 July 07
over the heat.
if you've been paying attention, we here in the west are in the middle of a heat wave. well, i'll tell ya - i'm over it. i'm done with it. i'm a girl who doesn't like intense heat.. intense sun, yes, but heat? oh goddess no. and yes, i have a swamp cooler in my place.. but it's just not cool enough, and while i would love to run it 24/7, i'm too poor too. on that note, i need to go find caffeine.. i have stats to do, and stuff for work to do.
Posted by brooke at 11:32 AM
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Friday, 6 July 07
conversations, and life changes.
today i had one of those kind of conversations with one of my professors that i think all phd students would like to have.
i'm not sure if i mentioned this, but in may, after 3.5 months of volunteering in a lab other than the one i was working in, i got hired. at the time i got hired i talked about continuing to pursue the work that i was doing, while working in this new lab. but as the summer has worn on, and i've realized that there is a limit to my energy reserves, and as i've gotten to know one of the two professors who run the lab (the other is on sabbatical), i've started to realize that i want to focus all my energies on the work that i'm being paid to do - with this group, with these two professors.
but that meant having a conversation, changing course, dealing with social phobia, and really asking "so, do y'all mean you want to work with me till i'm done?"
and it was that that lead to the conversation. it was a short one, but to the point, and yes, i'm doing good work, yes, i'm moving in the right direction, yes, everything i've been fretting about i should stop fretting about. and when i told my professor that i want to be a professor when i'm done, he said that he thought i would make a good member of the Academy.
--
its almost a year now since i moved from oregon. and i miss it with all my heart, i mean, i AM an oregonian. i am a pacific northwesterner. growing up, as a kid, i read beverly cleary books, i didn't just read them, i inhaled them. and, for those not in the know, she's from the pac nw. ramona quimby lives somewhere in washington or oregon (i suspect portland). so, although i may have been raised in virginia, the day i got my oregon driver's license was a day i'll never forget, because i was offically making my home, my home.
but now i'm in utah. and while i would love nothing better than to move back to eugene, this turn in my life, doing something that is challenging and full of pressure, but something that i'm good at, makes a difference. and while i intend to end up in the pacific northwest, i know that in order to pursue my career i may not be able too. it may take awhile to get to the university of british columbia, or the university of washington. and i'm willing to do that. i'm willing to turn my sites onto my career rather than geographic location for awhile while i settle into a life in the Academy.
---
i feel like this weight of "oh shit, what am i doing" has been removed for the time being. it feels nice to breathe. to have this feeling of - as long as i do the kind of work i can do - that there are people watching my back through this process. it doesn't take away any of the pressure, but what it does is it lets me know that if i falter, that there's a soft cushion to fall on while i'm picking myself back up.
Posted by brooke at 06:52 PM
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Thursday, 5 July 07
some days.
i feel like i'm just holding my breath till i get back here. (home)
Posted by brooke at 05:33 PM
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vacation in the middle of the week.
not sure if i liked how this day fell.. smack dab in the middle of the week.. very odd that we all had today off, and yet i have class tommorrow.. the meeting tommorrow, i don't mind, but class.. it's simply wrong.
the last few days have been tough. i've been suffering the worst migraine episode i can remember.. it started monday during the day - i knew i was trying to stop a migraine from coming on, so i did the usual ice on my neck and ibuprofen, unfortunately that didn't stop the full on migraine from coming on. i thought i was going to die on monday night, not being able to sleep, vomit (which usually leads to the migraine ending), sit still, anything.. for a few hours. tuesday was more of feeling crappy, and class, and simply feeling ill.. with less of a headache, but it was still here.. finally today i hit it with an exc3drin migraine and it went away, mostly. anyhow, my point - not really one, but simply recording it this migraine and all that went along with it. very very suprising, and i'm glad it's on its way out.. i may hit it with one more migraine tablet, because i can still feel it in the back of my neck.
i need to write a post about the razor i bought, but i think i'll let that wait till another day. it's very surprising that i made this purchase, thats why it deserves a post.
on that note, this has been a very boring post, but it was more intended to record the migraine. i'm glad its over, and i hope i never have such an experience like that ever again. those who battle with them far more than i do are amazing people, and those who have brain tumors - i can't even imagine anything worse than what i went through. simply amazing people who deal with such pain, simply amazing people.
Posted by brooke at 12:40 AM
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Wednesday, 4 July 07
language
i know, i know.. its such a common topic to talk about - language.. and how different language is used in different parts of the country to mean different things, or even different cultures, to signify different levels of respect. being the feminist that i am, i'm particularly sensitive to language that is used to refer to me as a woman.
when i first got to oregon for the first time ever i heard the term "gals" used by people around me. growing up the most respectful title for a woman was Ms. not Mrs, because Mrs signified a partnership where a woman lost her identity to the man she was partnered with and this extended to the use of woman over terms like "lady" or "girls" in reference to grown woman. growing up i never heard either of those terms used by people who respected women as equals. except, of course, from another similarly minded woman as a term of respect.
and now, now i'm in the most culturally different place i have ever lived, and all over the place i hear the term lady (or ladies) and girls in reference to women. i have to admit, each time i hear those terms - or read them - i cringe. it doesn't feel respectful, and considering that i live in the most conservative state in the country, where the religion that has most influence on everything does not allow women to hold the highest leadership positions in all levels of organization, i don't have a lot of trust in the use of those terms. i have a difficult time giving the benefit of the doubt that the use is cultural and that they don't have the underlying impression of sexism.
the reason for the post is really a wondering of how do i know when to say something? i don't want to make someone uncomfortable because of my sensitivities, but i also don't want a feeling of sexism in my work environment - especially coming from those who i clearly deserve respect from. it's something i'm going to have to sit on, think about, talk to the two or three friends around here who understand - or at least sympathize - with my difficulties in this culture.
Posted by brooke at 02:10 PM
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Monday, 2 July 07
gonna enjoy the moment.
after being crushed by 2 conference proposals for a conference in october, i just got notification that one of those proposals got accepted at a different conference 1.5 weeks later. i'll be presenting with two others, but i'm the key presenter. whoo hooo! gotta enjoy the moment, yep, gotta enjoy it.
Posted by brooke at 08:31 PM
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Sunday, 1 July 07
MEMO
To: Utah
From: Brooke
Re: Water
HELLO UTAH,
WE LIVE IN THE DESERT.
THERE IS A DROUGHT.
WE NEED WATER FOR CROPS, TO DRINK AND BATHE WITH.
STOP WATERING YOUR LAWNS.
WHO CARES WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE?!?
IF NO ONE CARES, IT WON'T MATTER.
Thank you.
Posted by brooke at 09:50 PM
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this was the kind of day it was
that's max. and my foot. *note the zig zag tan line on my foot. no, i have not spent gobs of time outside, i live in the desert. this is what happens during the 20 - 25 min round trip commute to school/work and back*
i don't get the pleasure of repeating today tommorrow. i've put off this lit review too long - if my folder of articles is in my office. if not, tommorrow is all about stats.
Posted by brooke at 12:57 AM
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