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Wednesday, 18 July 07 :: homeward bound.

plans are starting to come together around my next trip home to eugene. i'm trying to schedule it around a HoN course, my work and class schedule.. but frankly I'm in a space where I need to get out of Utah for a bit.

This has been a difficult summer, realizing that the Eugene part of my life is behind me, that I'm starting a new period of my life and I'm not sure how happy I am about that. I didn't leave Eugene because I was unhappy, I left because I knew I wouldn't be able to find a decent job, because I wanted to start a career. This pull between happiness and a career is very very difficult, and there are days when I'm not sure if I've made the right decision. Honestly, I'm just not happy in Utah. I don't fit in here, I really don't. I'd begun to find my tribe but I couldn't make a living so I was unhappy in that area of my life. I wish I could both find my tribe and my career in the same place.

I'm 34, I'm tired of looking, I'm tired of it being so difficult, I'm tired of always being the odd one out. I'm tired of being on my own, alone on this path. I'm tired of forging ahead alone, watching other people seemingly float through life surrounded by people who tell them that they are loved each and every day. I'm tired, I'm tired, I am exhausted. Simply exhausted.

posted by brooke at July 18, 2007 09:45 PM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.