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Sunday, 29 July 07 ::
on va tech.
i was writing in another blog, about a completely different topic, but this ended up coming up. it's appropriate for this blog as well:
as i was writing that paragraph i realized that i don’t think i’ve written much here about the impact that the events at va tech has had on me. i think i actually think about it everyday. every time i walk up to my car and see the maroon and orange ‘we remember’ magnet on the back, or every time i get dressed i think about - do i want to wear my va tech ‘we are va tech’ shirt today? and now, now every time someone asks where i’m from, where i grew up, the simple statement of ‘va tech’ seems to stop people in their tracks (i know it will when i say it, i don’t do it on purpose though, it really is a simple fact of my life that i cannot deny now).
as readers know, i wasn’t there, but my family was. none of us close to the events there will ever be the same. no, i will never ever be the same. columbine comes to mind a lot when i think about people in a similar situation. you’d think that, for me, thurston would come to mind instead. my two hometowns both now communities forever scarred, forever impacted, by the same violence of someone desperate to feel, or desperate to stop feeling. it’s a link i can’t deny, but for some reason the shootings at va tech impact my soul to a much much much greater degree than the thurston shootings.
i can’t say that the shootings have made me feel more human, or have lead to a greater sense of ‘isn’t life ducky?’ no, the shootings haven’t lead to any of that. for me, the space i’m in is still a place of great sadness, incredible sadness and shock. i’ve not been back yet. i’ve not processed it in person, i’ve only processed the events through pictures and a visit by 1 set of parents. my dad is coming, and it is sure to come up (how can it not?). i’ll be glad for it to come up, to process it a bit more, to have the energy here.
i’m looking forward to the shock wearing off. i hope the sadness never fully goes away. i hope it never fully goes away because it is the sadness that is a reminder of my hope for compassion. i often loose who i am to anger, fatigue, being too hot, being to cold, mind numbing tv, mind numbing web surfing, cognitive load. when i breathe though, when someone probes with questions that help me to remind myself of who i am, compassion is an important piece. do i need to be sad to have compassion? no. but the sadness about this event is a reminder of the flood of emotions that took place during those first few days, during that first week.
see, i don’t want that event to become something that no longer has an effect on me. i don’t want it to be something that is just a part of the everyday, because it is not an event that happens in the everyday of my life. it was an extraordinary event that should always carry with it extraordinary emotions - two of which are sadness and compassion during an extraordinary time. it is that compassion, during that time, that i think we all need to find. if i am able to react out of compassion during difficult moments, and that can be an example for those around me, then i have served my purpose. one reminder for me will be the sadness around this extraordinary event.
right now though - right now i look forward to get to that sadness. right now, when i think about va tech, i still feel shock. not to the same degree as i did on that day, or the week afterward, but it is still there. and in this moment, as i’m writing about it, tears are in my eyes, and i go back to how i felt that day - that i simply wish it did not happen, that i wish i could turn back time and just make it all not so. i wish, i wish, i wish i could make it all normal again. but i can’t, and that inability for it to be the same again, that is the saddest part of all.
posted by brooke at July 29, 2007 01:16 AM
