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Thursday, 30 August 07
quick, check! i think hell has frozen over.
Governor commutes sentence in Texas.
Posted by brooke at 09:29 PM
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seems to fit just perfectly.
from rob brezney, free will astrology.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
While snorkeling in the ocean off the coast of Hawaii's Big Island, I had a conversation with a dolphin. She gave me clarity concerning a question I've been wondering about. I asked her, "What can Pisceans do to make sure their overflowing emotions don't cause the kind of chaos that undermines their ability to get things done?" I swear the dolphin answered me telepathically, because even though I couldn't understand the hubbub of shrieks and clicks she unleashed in response to my inquiry, my mind was suddenly filled with the following thoughts: Pisceans must love their oceanic emotions unconditionally . . . must see their endless inundation as a privilege and a blessing . . . must learn to surf the endless tidal wave not with a fearful sense of being a victim but with an exhilarated gratitude for the primal power of the adventure.
Posted by brooke at 04:05 PM
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va tech report
Warnings could have saved lives is what the headline at CNN is saying about April 16th. Not sure how I feel about the reports, it's too early for one thing, and for the other I may just not ever have an opinion. But it felt important enough to make note of.
Posted by brooke at 07:25 AM
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Tuesday, 28 August 07
Long Day.
It was a long day today. It started out early and kept going from there. It was a good day though, I got accomplished most that was on my to do list and a couple of things I added. This is a crazy pace that I must keep up all semester, I hope I can.
I'm going to email Heart of Now soon about being a student for the 7th time in December. That will be my carrot at the end --> getting treated at Heart of Now. It will be a nice treat if they say yes.
:)
Posted by brooke at 06:11 PM
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Monday, 27 August 07
picture.
what is this a picture of? me, smiling as i got here to work on the first day of the 2007 - 2008 school year. why am i smiling? because it's the first day of course.. the first day is always an exciting day in any educational institution. not sure why, but it is. and even though i have a hellish semester ahead of me, it is still brings excitement.
why else am i similing? because with the start of the 07-08 year i am officially no longer a 1st year student, bumbling around not knowing anything. now i'm a 2nd year student who knows nearly nothing. notice the nearly, that means i must know something - not a lot, but something. it's a step.
on that note - all of this means that i have work to do, a lot, and class hasn't even started.
;-D
Posted by brooke at 10:48 AM
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Monday, 20 August 07
dote, back.
i'm in eugene, getting ready for the long drive tomorrow. i'm heading back to logan.
i think i wrote before about my apprehension in assisting at dancing on the edge. dancing on the edge is a course that is offered to heart of now graduates. 2 years ago i went through the course as a student, and, because of the great effect it had on me, it's taken 2 years for me to get back to assist in the course.
as my previous post indicated, there were some difficult moments for me, but none had to do with my assisting skills. it was the most connected i'd ever felt with a student group. there were so many that i shared deep moments with, that it really did make the lacks of assistant support more than worth it.
i'm rather experiencing a dancing on the edge high. it is subtle, but enough to notice. i feel full, and, in thinking about going back, sad that i have to. i wish i could have what i have here, there, or vice versa. i wish i could still have heart of now in my life to the degree that it was. i wish a lot of stuff. but the blessing is, it's still there.
i'm mainly writing to capture the moment. the feeling of joy in the sadness that i'm leaving. that i am sad because i'm leaving this place is a gift, because it means that i connected with many, and that those connections ran deep - very deep. i'm grateful for that, very grateful for that.
in this moment i'm filled with so much love for my friends, for the people that i get to share these moments with. sometimes i feel incredibly alone, but that people on the team this weekend were so glad that i was there meant a lot. it meant that i did a good job in what i saw as a challenge. i rose to my own expectations, and those are high.
i still have a lot to learn, and that is the beauty. as my friends ben and gra said as we were driving back - i no longer need the fluffy heart of now container, i'm in a place of grit, one where blunt honesty - from those who's honesty is filled with nothing but a deep love - is what i need to hear now. that is the beauty in the process. we get to learn, and grow, and connect. and i get to have moments when i cry, deep grief filled cries, for all those that i miss here in eugene. and isn't it nice, that after this long in my life, it is filled with people that i miss that much.
Posted by brooke at 10:01 PM
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Saturday, 18 August 07
oregon
i've been here in oregon for a week and a day now. i wish the time wouldn't go by so fast. i finally started getting into the rhythm of things and i had to leave eugene to come here to dexter, and now, now i'm seeing the end of my time here, and it brings up an incredible sadness.
i'm currently in the ecoresource room here at lost valley. pondering my life in logan and noticing the extreme sadness that comes from it. i asked for support, but in a way that i didn't set up time to actually receive it. and now, now that our meeting is over and the day has begun, i'm not feeling particularly in the space to reach out yet again for actual support. i wish someone would just offer. so, for now, now i turn to the place that does seem to offer comfort in times of distress --> writing in this journal.
coming back has really cemented yet again how out of place i feel in logan. how, while i am supported in my academic endeavors, i don't in my endeavors to be myself. i know that some of that feeling is just my perceptions, but i also know that in an environment like logan, it is a reality.
i've complained a lot about the homogeneous liberal population in eugene, but after going out into the rest of the world, i actually now see the beauty of it. i see how it supports the person i hope to become, even if people do loose sight.
for the longest time i never felt like i fit in anyplace. blacksburg, atlanta, athens --> none felt like they were home. and even eugene did not feel so for the longest time, until the last few years i was there. then it became home. its hard leaving that so soon after i've found it, and while i'm grateful that i get to come back, the pain of missing it so much in logan is great. it's definitley the double edged sword.
i've got a couple more days. i hope i find the strength to reach out, because in my inability to not reach out, i am also too drained to support the process the way i'd really like too. and, i find that when i do reach out, i start to see solutions to my angst. i don't sit, i solve.
Posted by brooke at 10:12 AM
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Wednesday, 8 August 07
this and that.
i'm at work early this morning. usually i don't get up and moving till later, but i felt the need to come in early to take care of some things.
i'm heading on vacation in 48 hours. well, not vacation, apparently i'm going to be working during it, which, really, i wish i wasn't going to do. i'm tired, i need a break. i need to leave this place behind and not fret about getting anything in. the next year isn't going to be easy, and i'd like to be a bit more rested emotionally before i dive into it, but i may not have that choice.
but, one part of this process for me is facing a lot of stuff and moving through it. facing burn out and moving through it, facing stress and moving through it, facing fatigue, etc. it's about moving through the things that 5 years ago stopped me in my tracks... .... and pushed me backwards, pushing it out of my way and excelling. so, we'll see if i can do it.
i had a really wonderful conversation with my new karate instructor last night. i liked him, but now i like him even more. i found that what i was perceiving was very wrong, and that he and i have a lot in common. it was nice to connect with someone about a side of my life that, while i carry it here, really has been left by the wayside. up until now, when i've talked about this side of my life with people, while they smile, the connection about the principles hasn't really been there. last night it was there.
okay, time to start this very challenging day. one step at a time i'll make it through.
Posted by brooke at 08:24 AM
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Monday, 6 August 07
procrastination.
i need to write a lit review. i've been procrastinating writing this lit review for a long time now. i can't procrastinate anymore. it needs to be done by Thursday! Luckily, other than logistical stuff, it's all I've got on my plate for this week. No more class!
Posted by brooke at 01:56 PM
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Wednesday, 1 August 07
excitement around logan.
we had some exciting times around logan today. there were fires along the mountains just west of the city and the other small towns in the valley (riverside, nibley). i had driven to my friends' house which is behind the university, and about 45 min after i got there we happened to look out their kitchen window and we saw the flames up on the mountain. i had to head down to karate so i got the full view --> of 4 different fires in the mountains. luckily, though, 150 firefighters got on scene REALLY quickly, and the fires seem to be under control, and aren't threatening any houses as of this writing.
but, this valley is very quiet, and so it was interesting for me to see the whole town, practically, come out to watch the goings on along the mountains. after karate i drove back up, parked at the forest service station at the entrance to logan canyon, and spent time, with many many other residents of logan, watching the helicopter fill up the water bag at first dam, fly back around and drop the water on the flames on the fire in the canyon. very very exciting.
after about an hour i came home, had an unpleasant conversation with someone - emailed them an explanation - and then worked on stats.
whoo hoo! the exciting life of a phd student, not in love.
Posted by brooke at 11:23 PM
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