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Wednesday, 27 June 07
my heart.
i just drove home and i had this great post in my head about my activist heart. i was in a meeting and as the meeting ended the subject of rocky anderson - the liberal mayor of slc came up. my reaction to his name was "he's the best thing that ever happened to utah." and while that statement may be wrong, when i first got here, seeing that the mayor of the biggest city in utah was protesting a visit by bushie brought me immense joy.. because it showed me that yes, in the most conservative state in the country, there is a liberal voice.. a loud one. and so his voice has been an important one to me. being that i knew that my opinions, politically, differed from everyone else in the room - and the strength of my opinions - i then said - i really don't want to go there... or something like that, and i quickly got up and left. because, honestly, i've made the decision that talking politics with a lot of people here in utah is pointless. we aren't going to agree, and that it is my beliefs about how the world should run that drove me here to utah, my beliefs are strong enough to take me to a place of anger when faced with the opposing side. no, i cannot simply have a debate, and besides there are too many other things to talk about.
so, all that lead me quickly think about my activist heart. people here haven't really seen it because i made the decision to actively not be an activist here in utah. my focus is on this degree, and seeing how i can make a difference with it. to think about activism - to think about doing something like starting a code pink chapter, or help bring a bigger eyes wide open exhibit here brings me joy. because these kinds of things would have a bigger impact here than in eugene.. this is the dream place to do such things. but i don't have the energy, just doing what i'm doing takes enough. but, it doesn't mean that i'm not an activist. it doesn't mean that i don't wish i could.
i wish i could do what my friends in eugene do. i wish i had the energy to organize the eyes wide open exhibit, to organize peace rallies, to support the courageous suzanne swift and her equally courageous mother sara in this fight against sexual violence in the military. i wish i could do it, but i can't. i couldn't. my last year in eugene my focus was on LEAD and heart of now - helping to heal hearts, so they could heal the world. healing myself, healing other activists, so we could better save the world. and my friends actively in the peace movement knew that i was no less an activist. they knew what i was doing, and they respected and love me for it. and i love them. i am deeply in debt to them, for continuing to fight all the good and important fights, for doing some of the most difficult and least appreciated work, while i am here in these towers. i'm so grateful that i get to call them friends. and i'm grateful that they know i'm no less of an activist.
i just appear to not be an activist anymore. i just appear to have hung up my coat. and that is the person that most people here in logan know. they know i'm a peace and human justice activist, but they haven't seen that world that i come from, so they don't understand the depths to which i hold my beliefs, and why anger is the emotion that comes up for me, being in a place like utah. most of the time i feel cornered here.. i'm such a minority, that when these things that mean so much to me come up, and people disagree with me, i feel like someone who has to strike out and defend my beliefs, defend what i believe is the right way. i'm not interested in a calm discussion because there aren't enough of me to change their minds, and, frankly, i don't have the energy to debate. i left that side of me behind, and frankly, i'd rather not revisit it.
and luckily most people know that. there are too many other things to talk about - like finding d or m or s, and what that means for a research study on problem based learning, localization or attachment theory. but occassionally a topic will come up -like it did tonight, and people will see my activist heart - a part of my heart they don't know very well at all, if at all. and for me? for me i see that yes, i still have my activist heart. it's still here, and while the interaction with the other person, or people, maybe upsetting, the in sight is a moment of relief. i am remembering who i am. i am remembering who i am. i am remembering who i am.
Posted by brooke at 11:57 PM
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tired of being tired
have i mentioned how tired i am? i'm exhausted all the time.. and frankly, i'm tired of it. yes. i'm tired of being tired. i'm tired of feeling like i drag myself through the day, and i'm tired of the fact that my brain won't shut down at night.. me worried about this and such and that and what. all the different things that i seem to enjoy torturing myself with worrying about. if i could sleep at night, i wouldn't be so tired, if i could fall asleep, my life would be a lot less stressful. yes, i'm stuck in a cycle, around and around and around. i need to figure out how to stop it.
Posted by brooke at 05:12 PM
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juggling metaphor
whenever i'm faced with new situations, new difficult things to wrap my head around i always like to see if i can come up with a new way to view it. i did this with statistics last night (statistics are just another way to tell a story about numbers, findings from a study, etc..), and i've been trying to do it with this whole phd experience. how do i see it in a different way to make it easier to understand? what is the metaphor?
see, i just came from a meeting where, after already feeling overwhelmed with my to do list, i got more things added. i got a little overwhelmed.. not like i used to - freaking out and stuff - just wondering when i'll get all of it done with the quality that this experience demands from me? it's a lot, and the to do list never stops growing. so far, in my 10.5 months of this process, i haven't felt like everything is done.. or anything is done for that matter..
so the point. i'm trying to come up with a metaphor for what it's like to be in phd school (i specifically call it phd school rather than grad school, because my experience has been that this degree is far more difficult to obtain than my masters was), and it finally occured to me. it's juggling.. only with this kind of juggling it's about trying to do the impossible - keep all the balls in the air at the same time - no catching and rethrowing, just keeping them there. i don't know how its done, i really don't. but, as with everything, it starts with a step, and another, and another. and self understandng that it is okay not to do everything for everyone, that boundaries are good, and that i'm doing enough - even when it feels like i never am.
juggling not just the balls, but also myself, and keeping myself in the air at the same time, because if i fall, all the balls fall.
Posted by brooke at 12:45 PM
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Friday, 22 June 07
this
is one of the most horrific things i've read in a long time. truly horrific. yes, by the time i was done tears were flowing. that anyone had to witness such horror is unspeakable. that people witness that everyday, well, it makes me really question humanity. i simply don't understand it.
i read a lot about the holocaust. i'm not sure why, but i do. and often times it feels like fiction. so removed, by time, geography and personal experience. but it isn't fiction. i know that. and this, this reminds me. more later.
Posted by brooke at 01:23 PM
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Thursday, 21 June 07
early.
i'm the type of person who stays up late and gets up late. this morning we have a workshop early, so it's an early bus, and a tired brooke this morning. i have coffee, emergen'c, and the knowledge that once i start working with actual people (and not actual articles about actual people) i tend to perk up.
it's sunny, a bit of a chill in the air.. the bike ride to the bus station should help as well.
:)
Posted by brooke at 07:49 AM
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Tuesday, 19 June 07
turtle brownies
i just came from the store where i picked up a box of turtle brownie mix on sale. it stirred a memory.
every christmas my grandmother, baba - my dad's mom, would make all sorts of scrumptious goodies. powdered stuff, cookies, etc.. my favourite thing that she made every year, that highlighted that it was, in fact, the christmas season - because i don't ever recall another time when they could be found - were her turtle brownies. in my head i have this image of going into the dining room - in wild rose shores (a neighborhood in annapolis, md) - and they could be found in there. its one of the lovely memories i have of my grandmother.
i think about them a lot - my grandparents passed - but its a rare moment that catches in my throat like this one does. it's been 4 years since she left us, 7 since he left us, and there are moments when it is hard to believe that i will never see her again. how can that be? how can it be that i will never ever hear her voice again. that she will never ever call me brooker again. that i will never have the chance to tell her that i love her ever again.
i was extremely lucky growing up. i am extremely lucky that i have the memories that i do about spending time at their home, with them. i just wish once, we could all get back together again.. *sigh* but i know, thats a wish a lot of us have of times passed.. of people who've left this world and, hopefully, are waiting for us in another. i wish i could know for sure. i really do.
i love you baba. i miss you. there isn't a day when i don't think of you, when i don't pick up something around my home and it's yours. you grace my presence every time i write my name, everytime i walk into my home, i just wish that presence could be in the form of my arms wrapping around you, and yours around me.
Posted by brooke at 08:57 PM
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Wednesday, 13 June 07
i hate high pressure situations.
like the subject said. i hate them. thats why i never paddled anything harder than the upper gauley.. or section 4 of the chattooga. or that's why the first time i did paddle section 4 i walked the 5 falls.. i only felt comfortable after i knew the river like the back of my hand.. and even then if i wasn't in the mood, if my head wasn't on straight, i'd walk the 5 falls.
and now. yes, thats what i'm in all the time. my life, as a phd student, is a high pressure situation. and i don't like it. i don't like the pressure of the b. i hate the pressure of that damn b. i don't do well in graded situations, at least ones like this. i do better in the extra curriculars, where i can learn slowly, where there isn't the high pressure of screwing up a lot of stuff because my head happens to be falling off on a particular day, or i'm tired, or burned out.
this is an endurance test. i've never been good at endurance tests. i've never been a long distance runner. let me sprint many small races, i'm not interested in the long race. it's boring. i'm not built for it. but that's what this is. its a long race. the kind where my brain will try to play tricks on me and i'll have to keep it on straight for more than just the quick sprint.
i read somewhere a medical school faculty member commenting on disliking 2nd year students. the excitement has worn off and the rest of the journey seems overwhelming. 3rd year students (are there only 3 years?) can see the end and are renewed. and that's where i am.. the excitement of the process has worn off and now, now i'm headed into the middle section.. the longest section. and i must endure.
yes, its a good lesson, one i need to learn, and i will be a better person for it, but the process.. the middle.. its just one step in front of the other.. not necessarily looking at the end, but trying to find the pleasure along the way, in the middle of the difficult moments.. seeing it in places i didn't expect to find it. and that, that will make me a better person. those blessed moments hidden away, in places not so obvious, being able to find them will be the pleasantry along the way, the joy in the endurance lesson. yes.
Posted by brooke at 12:35 AM
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Monday, 11 June 07
just for shits and giggles...
i decided to start making a pile of everything i've read since 1 august 2006 - when i started here at USU. right now, it's up to my knee - and that doesn't include the mountain of stuff at work, or in my backpack right now. i'm thinking they should give me my degree when the pile reaches the top of my head. what do you think?
Posted by brooke at 09:29 PM
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Monday, 4 June 07
the theme
is "a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first few steps." i'm busily trying to figure out what those steps are, what direction i need to go in, taking the steps. yep, they are the hardest. it's the warm up. its the moving after years of not. it's the journey.
Posted by brooke at 10:29 PM
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