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Friday, 6 July 07 ::
conversations, and life changes.
today i had one of those kind of conversations with one of my professors that i think all phd students would like to have.
i'm not sure if i mentioned this, but in may, after 3.5 months of volunteering in a lab other than the one i was working in, i got hired. at the time i got hired i talked about continuing to pursue the work that i was doing, while working in this new lab. but as the summer has worn on, and i've realized that there is a limit to my energy reserves, and as i've gotten to know one of the two professors who run the lab (the other is on sabbatical), i've started to realize that i want to focus all my energies on the work that i'm being paid to do - with this group, with these two professors.
but that meant having a conversation, changing course, dealing with social phobia, and really asking "so, do y'all mean you want to work with me till i'm done?"
and it was that that lead to the conversation. it was a short one, but to the point, and yes, i'm doing good work, yes, i'm moving in the right direction, yes, everything i've been fretting about i should stop fretting about. and when i told my professor that i want to be a professor when i'm done, he said that he thought i would make a good member of the Academy.
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its almost a year now since i moved from oregon. and i miss it with all my heart, i mean, i AM an oregonian. i am a pacific northwesterner. growing up, as a kid, i read beverly cleary books, i didn't just read them, i inhaled them. and, for those not in the know, she's from the pac nw. ramona quimby lives somewhere in washington or oregon (i suspect portland). so, although i may have been raised in virginia, the day i got my oregon driver's license was a day i'll never forget, because i was offically making my home, my home.
but now i'm in utah. and while i would love nothing better than to move back to eugene, this turn in my life, doing something that is challenging and full of pressure, but something that i'm good at, makes a difference. and while i intend to end up in the pacific northwest, i know that in order to pursue my career i may not be able too. it may take awhile to get to the university of british columbia, or the university of washington. and i'm willing to do that. i'm willing to turn my sites onto my career rather than geographic location for awhile while i settle into a life in the Academy.
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i feel like this weight of "oh shit, what am i doing" has been removed for the time being. it feels nice to breathe. to have this feeling of - as long as i do the kind of work i can do - that there are people watching my back through this process. it doesn't take away any of the pressure, but what it does is it lets me know that if i falter, that there's a soft cushion to fall on while i'm picking myself back up.
posted by brooke at July 6, 2007 06:52 PM
