the high today in logan? a balmy 27, no, NOT celsius. the high tommorrow? a balmy -6. HAHAHAHAHAAHA fooled you. (THAT was celsius). really, 20. *roll eyes* i know, winter has arrived here in logan. thanks to my dear friend M, and her husband J (it was his), i have a totally rockin' navy pea coat its the VERY best coat i've ever had. the cool thing? it has its original buttons, with the navy eagle on them. see, this peace activist has (darnit, do i say had? darnit, i will always have a grandfather) a grandfather who, while he was a marine, attended the naval academy. i grew up with that insignia in the background of all the time i spent visiting my grandparents, who lived in annapolis till i was 18. so, not only is this coat the best coat ever, but to have a coat that connects me with him, them, makes it all that more meaningful. i'll tell ya, i'm a woman who likes the meaningful.
so, yeah. winter has arrived in logan. there's snow on the ground, but these utah folks know how to get rid of the snow from the streets. it snowed about 3 inches, put a layer of ice down, and i'll tell ya - there weren't any schools that ran late. this should be an interesting winter.
okay. i'm out.
oh wait. note the banner day for me..
1) i emailed one of the heros in our field about a tool of his, and not only did he respond, but after hearing what i was going to be using his work for sent me a couple of tips of other resources to look for, along with an unpublished manuscript. i know, i know, not a big deal, really, but its all about baby steps, okay?
2) one of the profs, not ygpd, in our department set up a meeting tommorrow to talk about an article i may get to write with him!
3) a course that 2 months ago folks thought would end up in OCW purgatory (created, but not publicly accessible), with the help of my persistence is now out on the site (the ppp stuff). ygpd made a mention of it today in his blog. i know, i know, REALLY not a big deal, but, really, being that i've thought about quitting SO many times this semester, its nice to see my that my actions probably made a difference here, and its nice to see how happy he is that its up.
4) my prospectus for research methods is almost done. whoo hoo! go me.
note to self: when you are in the purgatory of localizing that ppp stuff, remember today. remember that it is SO worth it.
every now and then i go back and reread a piece i wrote over a period of 3 weeks, after the events of 27 september 2001. on that day i became something no one ever predicts they will become -- a suicide attempt survivor. i included a section called 'aftermath.' i wrote one day i'll rewrite this and discuss the aftermath of that moment in my life. but its hard for me to write about it as i'm living it. well, i've never finished it. until now.
this is what i've written.
27 november 2006.
Its over 5 years later. 5 years ago I was a suicide attempt survivor. I’m writing this as I sit on the brink of finishing my first semester as PhD student at Utah State University. The aftermath is 5 years of struggle. 5 years of wondering if I could ever put it behind me. May of 2005 I finally discovered the thing that would end up saving my life. May 2005 I went to Heart of Now and discovered the roots of the illness that tried to take my life. It’s a rough day today, I’m fearing a final exam on the 12th of December, and the writing of the most important paper of the semester. The ups and downs of this semester have been hard on me, and there have been moments when I didn’t think I could put it all behind me. There have been moments when I thought I was getting sick again. But even on a day like today, I know that I’m not just a suicide attempt survivor, but also a survivor of depression. Yes, I am recovered.
This is the end of this story. I’ve been waiting to write those paragraphs for 5 years. I didn’t think that this would be the end, I didn’t think I’d have nearly the life that I have dreamt about forever. I never thought I could walk the halls that I do on a daily basis. I never ever thought I would have the friends and community in Eugene that I have. They are a blessing and every day I am grateful for the safety net I feel like I have in them. Today I am scared of the next two weeks, but, it doesn’t paralyze me. Today I am nervous about that exam 2 weeks from today, but I know I can move through it and succeed. 5 years ago, I couldn’t have faced this, 5 years ago I simply could not do it. Yes, I am blessed, very very blessed.
Thend.
and yes, it is the end. i can now put that chapter of my life behind me. yeah me. yeah me. yeah me.
ps. if you wanna send good thoughts -->send them 12 december, 4.30 mst. thats the final exam.
well, ygpd and i had the meeting yesterday that i was fretting about. it couldn't have gone any better, no, it couldn't have. i got permission to do with the content what i hope to do, now and into the future, and he got permission to turn it on in usu open courseware. go us.
yep. yesterday was, what i suspect, the kind of day that makes the bad days as a phd student worth it. the craziness of the study load, the constant fears that i'll never be good enough, the frustration at wondering if anyone is noticing how hard i am working. now i can move forward. i'm not sure how i will, and i still have concerns about my study design and the validity of the instruments that don't yet exist. but, hopefull that will all get worked out in the laundry, of my brain. and with the help of my professors.
i need to remember yesterday. on the roughest days i need to remember yesterday.
i'm sitting here innocently and all.. sitting at my friend jon's desk (cause he's in the big room, with the WINDOW, and cause he's just a nice guy to let me use his computer when he's not here), taking a bit of a break from coding articles, reading an article on some around the world sailing race -- thinking about my grandfather and growing up around his boats (yep, my dear aunt, you know those thoughts ) -- and i'm struck with this huge thought.
how in the world did i end up in logan utah coding articles about personalization, and localization? seriously.
oh yeah. i needed a new start. and the logan, utah thing? a) i applied to only 3 schools, only 2 of which i got into and b) i have this masochistic need to save the world, and i discovered that there were a whole bunch of people here with the same need. *roll eyes*
one of these days i tell ya, i'm going to come around and realize the pleasure in not giving a rats ass about the rest of the world, quit this phd thing and head into corporate america.
*sigh*
back to coding. i must, i must.. code until i finish.
Yep, I'm the one behind, the one with the short legs. And thats a friend from school, she and I have desks that face each other in our lab. 2 future PhDs in central utah the day after thanksgiving.
It's now Saturday. I'm procrastinating. I've become the queen of procrastination --> really. I need to be writing my research perspectus, the one on localization and open educational resources thats due soon. there's a lot weighing on it, and so it scares me to write it. but, not having it written scares me even more. i know, quite the interesting cycle. you WOULD think that i'd end this cycle of torture that i'm on, but while i may be a phd student, that doesn't exactly equate with smartness. scratch that, wisdom. no, just because i'm working on a phd does not mean that i'm wise, and in situations like this i need wisdom, not smarts, and courage. yes, courage. courage just to sit down and committ the time, and get over fears of failure. yes, i've noticed that a fear of failure sits squarely on my shoulders most of the time, and i'm pretty sure my friends feel it too. *nod* take the smartest of the smart, those of us who did well in our previous schooling, those of us who have weeded ourselves out of the rest of the 99% of the population to go for this terminating degree. we got here for a reason --> determination, and the ability to succeed. and now, we, here, being challenged to a greater degree than most of us have ever been challenged academically, with dreams of future successes (and having that PhD after our name) feeling like they sit on the success (or failure) of every single assignment, and so, yes, in moments like this, courage is something we (i) need in moments like this in order to take that step and actually write that thing i've been thinking about all semester. luckily for me i have a great professor who has said she will give me one chance, a chance for her to go through this paper and let me know everything i need to fix in order to end up with a good enough grade to pass the class (with a b, yes, passing is a b) at the end of fthe semester.
on that note, i should go grab a cup of coffee and head east. to the ed building to sit at my friend jon's desk (in the room WITH windows) for the next 12 or so hours while, hopefully, i get this thing done. or not 12 hours, until my brain says STOP.
lyrics
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it
I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
i'm fretting just a bit tonight about a meeting i have tommorrow. i know, i really shouldn't be fretting, but, honestly, i enjoy a good fret. i do it so well, and so frequently. fretting is like a drug, and apparently its one that i enjoy.
anyhow. ygpd* and i have a meeting tommorrow with someone about a project i've been working on. at this point i'm a tad frustrated about the whole thing, but if the meeting goes the way WE want it to go all my plans for next semester and beyond will be able to be moved forward, if it doesn't, poor ygpd could have a tearful phd student on his hands for the 5 minute drive back to the ed building (lucky for him its only 5 minutes). yes, if the meeting doesn't go as we hope, i am not sure what i will do about next semester as far as projects and my hopes, and plans since i got here to be prepared to start presenting and publishing my second year here at USU.
i don't want to go into specifics, becuase, frankly, its a bit too maddening. and the work i've been doing isn't wasted, and i have found what my research interest is, and honestly, that doesn't usually happen to all phd students as early as i've found it.. and that is nice, but this meeting tommorrow is about how i've been planning to apply the very limited knowledge i've gained in the area. i'm interested in application, i'm interested in reading theories and applying at the same time. like i said, my work this semester won't be wasted, it will just be.. put off a bit. until i find that next great way to apply it.
so, if you believe in prayer for things like little meetings like this, i wouldn't object. apparently ygpd is going to be talking, so praying for some divine inspiration for him wouldn't hurt either.
*sigh* maybe one day i will learn not to fret. but i am only 33. that may seem old to some people, but frankly, i feel very young most days. i'm not sure if we ever outgrow that feeling. somedays i hope i do, and other days i'm glad i don't.
*ygpd - young geeky professor dude.. aka my advisor / major professor.
yes. it's a heart of now weekend this weekend. by this time, 10pm, they've already gone through the friday evening interviews and process. people are heading to the dorms, some people are in the kitchen, eating popcorn made by lisa. thats a regular friday night thing. lisa's popcorn.. while the refreshment team frets over tofu jerky. or, if i were there, i'd be fretting over the tofu jerky.
i will have also spent a lovely, and possibly even a very hard, day of getting ready for the course. maybe on the refreshment team. maybe not. but it would have been lovely seeing all of my friends and being held by those i'm closest too. connecting, on a deep level. the level i crave each and every day. the kind of connection i don't find here.
today i found myself walking along wishing i could stand in front of someone, hold their hands, and look into their eyes. yes, today i found myself craving that kind of connection so many of us HoNers take for granted while mingling. yes, we do it so much that we take it for granted. or not, but i know that i have. in the past. up until now. yes, my friends, up until now i have taken it for granted.
this heart of now thing, as i am in utah longer and longer without it, becomes more and more important too me. and it becomes more and more a part of who i am, in each and every day. i find myself turning to the techniques to get me through the hard times, and to help me enjoy the good times even more than i would have.
and i can't explain it, but the feeling in my heart.. well, my friends, i thought that as i stayed away from that place that the depth to which i feel would go away. i thought that i wouldn't continue to feel things at a depth that simply cannot be explained. but, i am.
my heart. yes, funny, heart of now, my heart has become the place where my feelings emanate from. maybe not emanate, but it is the place where i can feel my feelings. its something i've not been able to explain, but my HoNer friends, y'all have understood. when i have stood there during meditations with my hand on my heart and been moved to a different depth of emotions, you have understood.
i sit here today and think about my days to come; i think about how today i couldn't express to someone the depth of a feeling i was having, and i am grateful. not grateful, but, maybe even moreso relieved. i'm relieved that the depth of my feelings stays, and even maybe, sometimes increases. i am relieved that this practice of ours, this thing that i miss so much, still remains so important to me. i find myself relieved that as this world here in logan actually starts to matter to me, that my home in my heart of now community continues to matter as much. i am relieved that i need both worlds. i hope i can have both, i pray that i can have both, and at this point the idea of loosing either scares me.
i love you my friends out at heart of now. i miss you so much, each and every day. some days that missing is an aching, and i don't like that, and other days that missing just is. its a comfort to know that there are people i love enough to miss outside of logan, utah.
don't forget me, okay? hopefully i'll come home soon. my friend mel, she's into attachment theory, and i can't wait to tell y'all all about the pointy headed theories and such that is actually just HoN.
btw. this one's for y'all...
Kind and Generous c Natalie Merchant
You've been so kind and generous, I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound, I'm bound to
thank you for it....
You've been so kind and generous, I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
And I never could have come this far without you
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound, I'm bound to
thank you for it....
Oh, I want to thank you for so many gifts you gave with love and tenderness,
I wanna thank you
I want to thank you for your generosity, the love and the honesty that you gave me
I want to thank you, show my gratitude, my love and my respect for you,
I wanna thank you
Oh I want to thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you...
yes. since i've posted here. uh huh. i'm not seriously stressed, but i am stressed. and i'm sick, again, for the second time in a month. *sigh* this is a rotten time to be sick.. really rotten. the end of a semester, so much left to learn. and write. and getting ready for my research study in the spring. *sigh*
i think i got it from a 1.5 year old that i spent friday night gleefully chasing around. love that kid, but hate her virus. oh well. its just a sign that yes, i'm incredibly blessed to have the friends here that i have. yes, each and every day i count all those many blessings.
okay. i'm off. i've gotta outline the rest of chapter 14 in my ed research book, and then i really should head east - up to the education building, where hopefully i'll bust out some of this paper for prosem and then a meeting with ygpd* to chat about my spring research study. there's a lot to do and frankly, i'm not sure where to start.
i'm on an alix olson kick right now. its been a long time since i've seen her live. the last time she came to eugene i was too poor and too tired to go see her. today, part of me wishes i'd gone to see her.
i've been listening to her on my ipod and itunes a lot over the last 24 hours. i've been thinking a lot about when she came to the oregon country fair and i caught her 4 times in 2 weeks. that was a good two weeks.
i think the last time she was in eugene was before i knew i was coming to utah to live and go to school. no, 2 years ago, this girl from eugene, ore. could have never predicted her life today. no, 2 years ago i couldn't have predicted that i would be on the otherside of the illness that tried to kill me, with more people than i could ever imagine loving me, living in logan, utah, as a research assistant, who's friends are all mormon, and for the most part republican. no, this alix olson loving, died in the wool social democrat could have possibly predicted everything but the last two. okay, the last 2 and the first one. its amazing how a girl's woman's life can change over two years. imagine the possibilities and some of them may just happen.
on that note i'll leave you with a couple of alix quotes that i've left on my gmail chat in the last 12 hours, because they just seem so appropriate these days..
from warriors: "We got to follow those who choose a different way to knock, those who banged with persistence like the Leslie Feinbergs of my existence - who chose a different way to walk, took a chance, didn’t prance, tiptoe, twirl though this world. You see, I refuse to slide past, even if it means coming in last."
from popcorn and laughter: "You can’t make equal signs, Out of things that ain’t equal. If this is the end I’m demanding a Sequel. I want better actors, better themes and directors that care about Behind the Scenes. And if you can’t deliver no Happy Ever After, at least give me my sad parts with some Popcorn and some laughter."
well, its election night and i'm watching from afar the results in oregon, because that is what currently matters for me. funny thing, it was 6 years ago, on a day like today - election day - that this blog started. not the exact date, but the exact day. interesting. but thats another story for another day.
i'm sitting here rather dumbfounded at the measure results. measures 46 and 47 particularly. 46 is the campaign finance reform law that simply said we (oregon) can pass campaign finance reform laws. measure 47 is the measure that puts all the heavy campaign finance reform laws into place. the surprising thing? measure 46 is not passing, but measure 47 is. *blink* sorry, but my mind is just blown at that one. (a little back history - i worked, for 6 months, to get those measures on the ballot, before leaving to go work at LEAD). seriously, that just blows my mind. but i'm happy for the fairelections people that they are pulling something out. and yet i wonder how this one will play out in the courts. its currently unconstitutional in oregon for there to be any cfr laws, hence the need for the amendment. so, we'll see.
in other news, vicki walker is slightly ahead of jim torrey. not enough ahead that she can call it, i'm sure. she herself went to bed 6 years ago having lost her race for the state house, and when she woke up the next morning she'd won. all we vicki fans know that things can change dramatically overnight. i won't breathe easy on that one till morning. i'll bet she won't be either.
nancy nathanson has won. go nancy! i'm so happy for you to be going to the oregon state house. you are a good woman, and its been my pleasure to have gotten to meet you through LEAD. i'll be rooting you on from here in utah, hoping that your first term as a member of the house is everything you wanted it to be. i'm confident that you'll make the right choices for we - your constituents - and for oregon as well.
what else? oh yeah. ted kulongoski is winning. who hoo. :P yeah yeah, he's a democrat, but not one i was proud to (reluctantly) vote for.
and nationally. it looks like the democrats have taken the house. whoo hoo! go us. go democrats. i only hope they'll get a spine and start an impeachment of george w. bush. as the bumper sticker says - he lied and they died. i hope you sit at your bed everynight, saying your prayers, begging for forgiveness of your grevious lies. i hope you beg for forgiveness every night george w. bush. it makes me angrier and angrier every day that you lied and innocent people are dying. how does it feel to have that on your head? how does it feel to have the tragedy of a country on your head? of course you don't really know, because you are too scared to go see what you did. i hate your actions george w. bush. i hate them through and through. i don't hate you, but i hate your actions. you should go on tv and not only ask for god's forgiveness, but also the forgiveness of all those loved ones - americans and iraqis - who have lost someone. and you should ask for forgiveness from the rest of us. you really should. they are dying, and you, you sit around and justify. i'm sorry, but this war is one thing you should never ever justify.
okay. on that angry note. sorry about that. time for bed. i just have so much work to do, i simply can't believe it.
seriously. today, ELECTION DAY, is the most exciting day of the year. I always sit in anticipation, because what happens today will dictate the next 2 years. Hey, in 2 years there could be all sorts of awful things, or there could be ALL SORTS OF GOOD THINGS. after all, the dems COULD take back the house and senate and decide to get a backbone and prosecute george bush for all his lies.
but that said. I DON'T CARE HOW YOU VOTE, JUST THAT YOU DO. its your most powerful voice. go, do it. NOW. (if you haven't already)
i've seen this headline: hussein sentenced to death by hanging a lot over the last few days. i'll have to admit, and it should be no surprise, that my reaction has been one of sickness and sadness. every time i see it i feel sorry for the man. i feel sorry that he ended up where he did and he has to die the death he has to die.
i don't think its right. i don't think that the death penalty is ever right. i don't think that anyone can judge the actions of another to the point that the judgment is a life and death one.
and it points out power imbalances of who gets to commit a crime and who doesn't. who gets away with things, and who doesn't.
i get triggered by hypocrisy of power. those that have power get away with things that they would never ever let someone not in power get away with. it sickens me, it revolts me. i see it every day, on the news and in my life. this is not a just world, and those who want to believe otherwise are just lying to themselves. but i understand the lies people tell themselves, i do on a regular basis, because if i didn't i'd just go down in flames.
Till next semester. Keep my nose to the grindstone. Get this perspectus done. Next semester.. well, its simply going to rock.
Yes. I'm already looking at next semester. I can't wait. I'm taking 2 seminar classes and my research practicum. I've got a study I'm creating right now, and I'll be implementing it this spring. So, I'm going to get credit to do it, and in the words of my professor, I won't back out because a grade will be riding on it. Ha! Yes, my confidence levels have sunk, and I've already told my professor I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing.
Good stuff. It'll be nice to have an easier semester after this one. Whoo hoo!
about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.
Yep, I'm the one behind, the one with the short legs. And thats a friend from school, she and I have desks that face each other in our lab. 2 future PhDs in central utah the day after thanksgiving.
