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Friday, 17 November 06 ::
it's a heart of now weekend.
yes. it's a heart of now weekend this weekend. by this time, 10pm, they've already gone through the friday evening interviews and process. people are heading to the dorms, some people are in the kitchen, eating popcorn made by lisa. thats a regular friday night thing. lisa's popcorn.. while the refreshment team frets over tofu jerky. or, if i were there, i'd be fretting over the tofu jerky.
i will have also spent a lovely, and possibly even a very hard, day of getting ready for the course. maybe on the refreshment team. maybe not. but it would have been lovely seeing all of my friends and being held by those i'm closest too. connecting, on a deep level. the level i crave each and every day. the kind of connection i don't find here.
today i found myself walking along wishing i could stand in front of someone, hold their hands, and look into their eyes. yes, today i found myself craving that kind of connection so many of us HoNers take for granted while mingling. yes, we do it so much that we take it for granted. or not, but i know that i have. in the past. up until now. yes, my friends, up until now i have taken it for granted.
this heart of now thing, as i am in utah longer and longer without it, becomes more and more important too me. and it becomes more and more a part of who i am, in each and every day. i find myself turning to the techniques to get me through the hard times, and to help me enjoy the good times even more than i would have.
and i can't explain it, but the feeling in my heart.. well, my friends, i thought that as i stayed away from that place that the depth to which i feel would go away. i thought that i wouldn't continue to feel things at a depth that simply cannot be explained. but, i am.
my heart. yes, funny, heart of now, my heart has become the place where my feelings emanate from. maybe not emanate, but it is the place where i can feel my feelings. its something i've not been able to explain, but my HoNer friends, y'all have understood. when i have stood there during meditations with my hand on my heart and been moved to a different depth of emotions, you have understood.
i sit here today and think about my days to come; i think about how today i couldn't express to someone the depth of a feeling i was having, and i am grateful. not grateful, but, maybe even moreso relieved. i'm relieved that the depth of my feelings stays, and even maybe, sometimes increases. i am relieved that this practice of ours, this thing that i miss so much, still remains so important to me. i find myself relieved that as this world here in logan actually starts to matter to me, that my home in my heart of now community continues to matter as much. i am relieved that i need both worlds. i hope i can have both, i pray that i can have both, and at this point the idea of loosing either scares me.
i love you my friends out at heart of now. i miss you so much, each and every day. some days that missing is an aching, and i don't like that, and other days that missing just is. its a comfort to know that there are people i love enough to miss outside of logan, utah.
don't forget me, okay? hopefully i'll come home soon. my friend mel, she's into attachment theory, and i can't wait to tell y'all all about the pointy headed theories and such that is actually just HoN.
btw. this one's for y'all...
Kind and Generous
c Natalie Merchant
You've been so kind and generous, I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound, I'm bound to
thank you for it....
You've been so kind and generous, I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
And I never could have come this far without you
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound, I'm bound to
thank you for it....
Oh, I want to thank you for so many gifts you gave with love and tenderness,
I wanna thank you
I want to thank you for your generosity, the love and the honesty that you gave me
I want to thank you, show my gratitude, my love and my respect for you,
I wanna thank you
Oh I want to thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you...
posted by brooke at November 17, 2006 11:07 PM
