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Wednesday, 27 June 07 ::
my heart.
i just drove home and i had this great post in my head about my activist heart. i was in a meeting and as the meeting ended the subject of rocky anderson - the liberal mayor of slc came up. my reaction to his name was "he's the best thing that ever happened to utah." and while that statement may be wrong, when i first got here, seeing that the mayor of the biggest city in utah was protesting a visit by bushie brought me immense joy.. because it showed me that yes, in the most conservative state in the country, there is a liberal voice.. a loud one. and so his voice has been an important one to me. being that i knew that my opinions, politically, differed from everyone else in the room - and the strength of my opinions - i then said - i really don't want to go there... or something like that, and i quickly got up and left. because, honestly, i've made the decision that talking politics with a lot of people here in utah is pointless. we aren't going to agree, and that it is my beliefs about how the world should run that drove me here to utah, my beliefs are strong enough to take me to a place of anger when faced with the opposing side. no, i cannot simply have a debate, and besides there are too many other things to talk about.
so, all that lead me quickly think about my activist heart. people here haven't really seen it because i made the decision to actively not be an activist here in utah. my focus is on this degree, and seeing how i can make a difference with it. to think about activism - to think about doing something like starting a code pink chapter, or help bring a bigger eyes wide open exhibit here brings me joy. because these kinds of things would have a bigger impact here than in eugene.. this is the dream place to do such things. but i don't have the energy, just doing what i'm doing takes enough. but, it doesn't mean that i'm not an activist. it doesn't mean that i don't wish i could.
i wish i could do what my friends in eugene do. i wish i had the energy to organize the eyes wide open exhibit, to organize peace rallies, to support the courageous suzanne swift and her equally courageous mother sara in this fight against sexual violence in the military. i wish i could do it, but i can't. i couldn't. my last year in eugene my focus was on LEAD and heart of now - helping to heal hearts, so they could heal the world. healing myself, healing other activists, so we could better save the world. and my friends actively in the peace movement knew that i was no less an activist. they knew what i was doing, and they respected and love me for it. and i love them. i am deeply in debt to them, for continuing to fight all the good and important fights, for doing some of the most difficult and least appreciated work, while i am here in these towers. i'm so grateful that i get to call them friends. and i'm grateful that they know i'm no less of an activist.
i just appear to not be an activist anymore. i just appear to have hung up my coat. and that is the person that most people here in logan know. they know i'm a peace and human justice activist, but they haven't seen that world that i come from, so they don't understand the depths to which i hold my beliefs, and why anger is the emotion that comes up for me, being in a place like utah. most of the time i feel cornered here.. i'm such a minority, that when these things that mean so much to me come up, and people disagree with me, i feel like someone who has to strike out and defend my beliefs, defend what i believe is the right way. i'm not interested in a calm discussion because there aren't enough of me to change their minds, and, frankly, i don't have the energy to debate. i left that side of me behind, and frankly, i'd rather not revisit it.
and luckily most people know that. there are too many other things to talk about - like finding d or m or s, and what that means for a research study on problem based learning, localization or attachment theory. but occassionally a topic will come up -like it did tonight, and people will see my activist heart - a part of my heart they don't know very well at all, if at all. and for me? for me i see that yes, i still have my activist heart. it's still here, and while the interaction with the other person, or people, maybe upsetting, the in sight is a moment of relief. i am remembering who i am. i am remembering who i am. i am remembering who i am.
posted by brooke at June 27, 2007 11:57 PM
