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Wednesday, 13 June 07 ::
i hate high pressure situations.
like the subject said. i hate them. thats why i never paddled anything harder than the upper gauley.. or section 4 of the chattooga. or that's why the first time i did paddle section 4 i walked the 5 falls.. i only felt comfortable after i knew the river like the back of my hand.. and even then if i wasn't in the mood, if my head wasn't on straight, i'd walk the 5 falls.
and now. yes, thats what i'm in all the time. my life, as a phd student, is a high pressure situation. and i don't like it. i don't like the pressure of the b. i hate the pressure of that damn b. i don't do well in graded situations, at least ones like this. i do better in the extra curriculars, where i can learn slowly, where there isn't the high pressure of screwing up a lot of stuff because my head happens to be falling off on a particular day, or i'm tired, or burned out.
this is an endurance test. i've never been good at endurance tests. i've never been a long distance runner. let me sprint many small races, i'm not interested in the long race. it's boring. i'm not built for it. but that's what this is. its a long race. the kind where my brain will try to play tricks on me and i'll have to keep it on straight for more than just the quick sprint.
i read somewhere a medical school faculty member commenting on disliking 2nd year students. the excitement has worn off and the rest of the journey seems overwhelming. 3rd year students (are there only 3 years?) can see the end and are renewed. and that's where i am.. the excitement of the process has worn off and now, now i'm headed into the middle section.. the longest section. and i must endure.
yes, its a good lesson, one i need to learn, and i will be a better person for it, but the process.. the middle.. its just one step in front of the other.. not necessarily looking at the end, but trying to find the pleasure along the way, in the middle of the difficult moments.. seeing it in places i didn't expect to find it. and that, that will make me a better person. those blessed moments hidden away, in places not so obvious, being able to find them will be the pleasantry along the way, the joy in the endurance lesson. yes.
posted by brooke at June 13, 2007 12:35 AM
