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Thursday, 29 June 06
delicious
i'm struggling with all the different pieces of this move. from the actual move itself to the leaving of people and this beloved city of eugene, to things seeming to be left unclean with people that is uncomfortable to me.
to try to put things in perspective i got on my road bike. now, when i bought this bike my intention was to spend a lot of time with it riding long distances, but just after i bought it i got icky sick, and then the recovery from that didn't seem to happen like i needed it too, and then there was 5 days on the deschutes and and and. and lots of excuses. until this week. i saw my doc, she gave me an inhaler, and while i don't like how jittery it makes me, i like the fact that i feel like my lungs have back up. and my legs, well, my legs just have to get used to biking again..
.. so, like i said, i decided to go for a ride on my bike along the river. it wasn't my intention to go very far, maybe just to skinner butte park or alton baker at the most (1 mile) but after i got to alton baker i decided to go further. the night was cool and my legs felt great.
.. excercise really is a gift to me. even though i carry around a belly, being physical really is the best thing i can do when i've got something on my mind.. now mind you, i don't mean the kind of excercise till i'm dead kind of physical -- thats different -- but being able to fly along on a flat bike path by the river with a sweet oregon crescent moon in the sky, a slight pink oregon sunset shadowing it, well thats what i mean about being physical and putting things in perspective. i will miss this sky. yes, i love this oregon sky, and these oregon rivers. yes, i am a pacific northwesterner. yes, i am. i like the mild winters, the sweet springs, the ecstatic autumns. i love the rain, i detest it when it gets too hot, i love the high of a sunny day after a month of rain. i live for it all.. its in my blood. yes, i will miss the cool oregon summer nights. just warm enough to wear shorts, a t-shirt and my chaco's, but cool enough not to sweat while flying by the river on my bike..
.. but like i said. i went for a nice ride tonight to collect my thoughts about it all. i'm dreading my going away party. i don't like hosting parties. i need to let go of my anger at mc. i need to not expect so much from people. i need to love myself..
.. and the desert. i'm glad i'm getting this chance to go to the desert for a few years. when i spent 3 weeks in baja i fell in love with the desert. and last week, i love the desert landscape. i just don't like the heat. while i do tan, eventually, i also burn. and to fly by the river in the heat.. well, there isn't a river to fly by and whatever there is to ride by probably won't be a river. but the scenery is incredible, and to be able to get the chance to see what the desert does have to offer. it will be different, and i can only hope equally as stunning. no, i cannot wait to see what the sky is like on a kind utah evening when i have the chance to take a nice relaxing bike ride somewhere just to clear my mind.
... so, where was i? clearing my mind. a nice bike ride. yeah. it was delicious.
Posted by brooke at 12:21 AM
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Sunday, 25 June 06
crap. its hot.
oh goddess. its hot. i mean, really hot. i mean i keep thinking about robin williams in good morning vietnam:
"The weather out there today is hot and shitty with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut."
for those of you not in the know about oregon and our relationship with air conditioners.. well, at least where i go -- we generally don't have air conditioning. even in resturants and stores, for the most part. so when it gets to be 95 outside, we fry. unless we drive our air conditioned cars around.. (damn high oil prices :P :)).
Posted by brooke at 07:50 PM
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confession
i have started eating nancy's yogurt, but i put packets of artificial sweetener in it.
Posted by brooke at 12:02 PM
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Thursday, 15 June 06
a mother cries
the following is what sara rich, a mother who's daughter is in the army, has written up about her daughter's experience. sara lives in the city i live in, and has been a very active member of the human justice community here.
Fear for my daughter:
It started out with being scared for her life when she signed up for the military. She assured me that she was promised she would not go to Iraq. I was not as trusting.
She was sent to Iraq right out of her basic training. She assured me she would be ok as we cried while she was packing. One of her Sgt. assured me. "Don't worry Ma'am, we'll take good care of your daughter." I desperately hoped that I could trust him to watch over her. I later found out he was one the first predators to try and have sex with her and make her "his private"
She spent a long year in Iraq. I feared for her safety every waking minute. She called me crying frequently. Telling me very little of the horror she was witnessing. Only telling me it was hard. Telling me that almost all of the other soldiers sexually harass her and many of her Sgt.'s and Lt. really pressuring her and making her life miserable for rejecting them. Calls from her ending with, "o, there goes gun fire, gotta go mom, love you."
She returns from Iraq. She is much more quiet and anxious. I offer to get her help and she refuses. She tells me that if she opens that can of worms she will not be able to function as a human being. I ask her if she wants to deal with the horrible sexual harassment charges against so many of her fellow soldiers, she says no mom, it would only make my life even more of a living hell. Then she finally blew the whistle on one of her superiors for sexually harassing and she was treated like a pirana while he was moved to a different unit and promoted. She put her head down and worked as an Military Police officer on Ft. Lewis. She was always shocked by the number of domestic violence calls she went out on. The fear of a mother of a peace officer was there, but at least I could call her and knew she was safe. We know that she is going to be re-deployed to Iraq sometime after the mandatory 18 months stabilization time is over. So, we were looking at November of 2006 for a second re-deployment. Our hearts were heavy at the thought.
She comes home for a visit and can't face me to tell me she is going much sooner than expected back to Iraq. My fear is skyrocketing. How can they do that, you will have only had 11 months of stabilization time. She tells me that she refused to sign the waiver waiving her rights to 18 months. She was told that her life would be hell in a shit hole if she refused to sign. They screamed in her face and intimidated her to the point that she would shake when she told the story. Our
family prepares.
She is packed, ready to redeploy. Keys in hand. "I can't do this, Mom, I can't go back there." We shift into action to protect our daughter. We networked with everyone imaginable. We knew that we would rather see her in jail than spend another minute in Iraq. We hired an attorney with experience in these kinds of military matters. And Suzanne went into hiding. Now here we are facing what we knew was a real possibility. Suzanne is in jail and waiting to be taken up to Ft. Lewis and I am really scared. The military treated her horribly when she was a soldier, I can only imagine what they will do to her as a prisoner. She is a brave young woman and my hero. There is only just so much stress an Iraq war veteran can handle.
My fear for my daughter is real. My hope for and belief in my daughter and what she is doing is strong and unshakable. I truly believe she saved her own life with her courage. Hopefully by telling her story and standing strong she can encourage others in the military to stand up, speak out and refuse to participate in this illegal and immoral war.
Thanks to you all. I knew this was going to happen eventually so I had my ducks in a serious row. Today, I has a press conference, a vigil at the jail where Suzanne is, spoke to 10 different radio shows, some nationally syndicated, three TV stations, 3 newspapers and had a million calls.
I only got to talk to Suzanne for one short minute in which we were both were crying so hard we could not talk.
They are transporting Suzanne tomorrow early morning to Ft. Lewis and returning her to her unit. We are planning to be at the jail at 7:45 AM-9 to see if we can catch a a glimpse of her as she leaves the jail to show her that we are here for her.
Lt. Colonel Switzer, Ft. Lewis Washington is who we need to be writing to asking for Spc. Suzanne Swift to have a medical discharge or an honorable discharge from the Amy due to her post traumatic stress disorder. After writing the letter we need to fax them to:
Senator Gordon Smith- Eugene, OR Office
Federal Building
211 East 7th Avenue, Room 202
Eugene, OR 97401
Phone: 541.465.6750
Fax: 541.465.6808
Senator Ron Wyden-Eugene, OR
151 West 7th Ave
Suite 435
Eugene, OR 97401
(541) 431-0229
Congressman Peter DeFazio-Eugene Office
151 West 7th, Suite 400
Eugene, OR 97401
Phone: (541) 465-6732
Senator Patty Murray in Washington- Tacoma Office
950 Pacific Avenue, Ste. 650
Tacoma, Washington 98402
Phone: (253) 572-3636
Fax: (253) 572-9892
If there is no fax number you can email them. let me know if you send a letter and if you get a response.
Posted by brooke at 08:48 AM
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Tuesday, 13 June 06
early good-byes
*sigh* i wasn't supposed to be saying any good-byes this early, no, i wasn't. but it was my last group tonight at LEAD -- something i didn't realize until closing tonight. when i started at LEAD i was just doing administrative stuff, but soon after maj asked me if i wanted to be a direct service volunteer. its been through direct service that i've really been able to understand what LEAD is all about, its been through direct service that i've connected to the program in a really wholistic way. it has been a huge blessing in my life and i will miss those evening groups, i will miss the playing and the serious moments, the sharing and my own learning a lot.
i've thought a lot about how i can actually do this. how can i leave this community, this love, how can i leave this thing that i've just discovered and fallen in love with? but i know, that in this moment if i were given a choice between staying at LEAD right now or going to logan i'd probably choose logan. i don't know what yet there is to learn there, what i can gain that i will be able to take back to LEAD. yes, when i think about logan, what i think about is 'what a great place to find a potentially incredible gift for LEAD, for the teens'.. yes, i have found this thing that i love, but i know that i need to go walk through this door of opportunity that i've found in logan. yes, i need to see whats out there.
there is sadness in leaving, but there's also excitement in the new potentials. will i be able to pull it off? i don't know. will i be able to come back to LEAD if i don't? i don't know. but i have to take the risk. afterall, isn't that what LEAD is about? i think maj would say yes.
*sigh*
Posted by brooke at 11:53 PM
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quiet
i'm quiet these days. not because i'm not busy, but because i don't have a lot to say in this space.
i'm spending a lot of time at work and around work (graduations, retirement parties, going away parties). we're busily getting ready for our end of year trips, i - in particular - am getting ready for a 5 day river trip on the deschutes. yep -- i'm very excited about the trip. jazzed about being able to spend this kind of time with the teens and adults. and it simply looks beautiful.
i'm also packing. i know it seems like its far off, but its not as far off as it may seem. i'm doing a little bit at a time so that i don't have this big cram at the end. i don't like big uncontrolled crams at the end of things.
i'm also writing technology plans, and i'll probably write a grant or two before i get to utah. good stuff. good experience.
Posted by brooke at 09:42 AM
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Thursday, 8 June 06
what a freakin' blessing
i wish my writing skills were better these days so that i could tell you about my evening and how when i was on my way home i rode by the park on my bike and looked over and saw 3 teens i know and they were playing soccer and they were happy to see me and they asked me to join them and for 30 minutes tonight i played soccer and got to dust off some of my division 3 soccer skills and not look so shabby but more importantly i just got to play, i just got to play with 3 young people who's company i've come to enjoy and 2 of whom i get to go spend 5 days rafting with and goddess am i a lucky lucky woman.
i don't necessarily get paid, but i'm surving and thriving and on days when i wake up and i think that my illness is about to kick back in and i go to work and i cry when i talk to my boss and she says i can take the dogs for a day just so i can get some dog lovin' and i go to a board meeting and connect with our president and i stop and play soccer with our teens i get home and i feel paid. i feel paid in ways that money can't give me. and i'm able to get by so thats a good thing because today i feel what i didn't feel when i got home last night -- loved. all because of some teens and the big boss chick who for some reason got me involved and brought me into the community and i will forever be grateful for her and those teens.
Posted by brooke at 10:32 PM
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Wednesday, 7 June 06
maybe i don't have a right to be bitter, but i am
i'm feeling rather bitter today. about a couple of things in particular.
i'm bitter about the fact that someone as versitile and talented as me has to leave eugene in order to be paid for her work. yes. and i'm usually not one to toot my own horn, but man.. oh man. what have i done in the last few years here? i've done voter targeting; turf cutting; media work; written fundraising letters; written grants; created websites; managed projects; worked with volunteers; slung petitions; written press releases; shmoozed with the best of them; done the daily grunt work that comes with organizing, campaign work and non-profit work; have helped write legislation; lobbyed the oregon congressional delegation in their offices in dc, the state legislature, the city council and the county commission; learned to counsel adults and teens; cooked for 70 people; written employee policy; particpated in visioning sessions for groups; learned about forming a non-profit; participated in many many protests; done low-level technical support; helped write campaign plans; created campaign mailers; laid out brochures and newsletters; co-created and faciliated a succesful workshop on sexism in my community; co-created and put on a workshop on bridging the gap between liberals and conservatives and now i'm writing a technical plan. i'm sure thats not the WHOLE list, but thats all i can remember in this short time. and i'm sure i've done most of the work pretty darn well. some of it -- slinging petitions -- i sucked at, but not because i couldn't do it, but because i hated it. and most of it? the vast majority of it? i've done for free. really. so, today i'm feeling pretty darn bitter that a lot of people have benefitted from my work and i've barely been paid a cent. or when i did get paid -- it wasn't a lot of cents, or sense as the case may be.
and the other thing i'm bitter about?
the fact that there's someone in my life who've i've requested several times to have a clearing with and while they've said yes, they haven't followed through with it. problem? its my intention to be in this person's life for a long time because of someone else the two of us are connected too. it would be helpful if we could clear stuff, but i'm not as important to this person as other people because they have no intention of ever having sex with me. or at least thats my theory on why they've not done what they said they are going to to do set up us talking. and btw, i've made quite a few attempts at setting things up for us to talk, but this person kept not getting back to me, so i gave up. and, honestly, at this point i'm sick of broaching the subject, because i figure if it really were important, they'd do something about it.
so on my eve of leaving, at a time when i figure i should be surrounded by love and appreciation, i'm actually feeling the opposite. really i would love to be filled with feeling the love for this place right now, but i'm not. i would love to be filled with the feeling that at rough moments in logan i can look back to this place and just think about how much love people have for me. how much appreciation. but this morning, and for several mornings -- i've just not been feeling it. and its quite dissapointing.
Posted by brooke at 10:26 AM
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Tuesday, 6 June 06
i have a home in logan
i do. i have a new home. and its in logan, utah. its 2 bedroom, 1000 square feet and i can bring 2 cats. :( thats the sad part. but the happy part?
oh, there's lots of happy.
- its a new start.
- its a 15 minute bike ride from the university.
- there will be no place in the new home that i've attempted suicide.
- its a new start.
- its HUGE.
- my landlord has not revolted at the thought that i'm moving from eugene, oregon.
- its close enough to the u that i'll be able to walk or bike.
- its a new start.
- gas and water are included.
- there are no smokers anywhere.
- its 2 bedrooms, so friends and loved ones from both eugene and the southeast us will be able to visit me.
- its a new start.
- its 12 hours from eugene. and because the rent is cheap enough i can put money away to save to drive home to eugene. and maybe even fly.
- the cats will have plenty of space to run.
- my landlord likes it quiet and he lives next door.
- basic phone is cheap. and because i already have a dsl modem my dsl service will be even cheaper.
- did i mention its 2 bedrooms? so that i can have loved ones visit, AND an office. so that way i can take a break from work. on occassion.
- its a new start. not that i don't have one already here in eugene, but its a new living start. and hopefully i will be as successful with that as i have been in the work world.
i'm very excited in this moment. i'll do my best to wait till i get to logan to cry. i want to enjoy all this here some more.
Posted by brooke at 12:01 PM
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Sunday, 4 June 06
seriously, i need to change my sleeping habits
really. i need to get my sleeping back regularly.. i mean, i'm up till 2am and up again at 8am. but at 8am i'm still so freakin' exhausted from the lack of sleep that my body really doesn't kick in until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. thusly a wasted day. i need to go to bed by midnight. :P
Posted by brooke at 05:46 PM
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Friday, 2 June 06
*sigh*
i wish i'd moved years ago. seriously, i cannot believe the loudness and crudeness of my drunken next door neighbors. and its not the kind of crudeness that i approve of.. (agh, approve sounds so, ick).. its the sexist kind of crudeness. i should be more forgiving, i know, but after 2 nights of learning stuff about being a better ally i'm having a difficult time being patient with the sexism. *sigh* last night they were glad that all the white people were there learning to be better allies, but frankly, its not people like me who need to be at those discussions (okay, i do, but just go with my point here) -- its people like my neighbors. *sigh* the other day i heard this fellow walk up to my cat max and try to pet him, when max wouldn't acquiesce he called him gay. 'cat must be gay.' i was standing right near the door and i called the guy on it. 'hey, whats wrong with being gay? btw, your neighbor is queer.' the guy shut right up. he simply doesn't know better -- i know that. i wish i had the courage to tell him so right now. *sigh*
Posted by brooke at 07:10 PM
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i'm over it.
the rain.
its been raining too much lately. we get teased with sun and i think -- hey! fuck! i can go ride my bike to work with my laptop and not worry about it! yeehaww! but no, then we get slammed with days of rain, and frankly, i'm sick of it.
i've got way to much heartbreaking stuff going on to be stuck in the rain right now. i've got to call greenhill today about taking 2 of my beloved cats, i have to fucking leave eugene so that i take a gamble about securing a financially secure future for myself, it seems like i have to choose between 2 things that i want to do equally as much. all i want is to be able to ride my bike and enjoy one last lovely eugene spring. but no. fucking mother nature has it out for me, bound and determined to make me as miserable as possible.
i've been here for 7.5 years. i love the rain. i hate it when -- in the middle of winter it gets sunny and stays sunny longer than a few days. we NEED the rain here in eugene. but this is ridiculous. we also need the sun. okay, maybe not WE, but I, i need the sun.
Posted by brooke at 10:37 AM
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