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Tuesday, 25 September 07 ::
Late night confessions of a lazy PhD student.
It often helps if I confess my sins in my public journal. Well, not confess my sins, but, ramble on about how I may have screwed things up here and there.
So. That said.
I screwed up and let things fall by the wayside with the study I'm conducting. It's not as though I need to be there face to face, but it would have been good if I'd checked in with them sooner than 1 month. Agh. The only thing I have on my side - a very understanding teacher at the program I'm working with. I guess it's a sign that a bit of the old Brooke is still laying around, eh? The old Brooke let things fall by the wayside all the time and didn't care.
We were going to work on an article this semester, but I emailed the group kind of huffily about how busy I am. I guess I'm busy putting off so many other tasks that I just feel overwhelmed by my over all workload. My workload wouldn't be so bad if I just did my work in a timely manner.
What else? I need to be returning calls of friends who's presence in my life makes such a difference. Yes, I am a crappy crappy friend. But, I'm too busy being lazy that I don't do it. So, I tell them I'm busy.. but I'm not busy, I'm just busy being lazy.
Can I recover from this unprofessional behavior? I hope so. I hope I can redeem myself. At some point this week I'm going to talk to my major prof about my program of study, and my wish to explore a topic that is related to us, but to the side, rather than directly. It's because my laziness is starting me to worry about future employment (I want to be).
I hope I can continue to learn from these periods of relapse back into lazy Brooke and pick up the pace again, while doing it unstressed and with a bit more joy. I need to not dread stats. I need to not focus so much on the exhaustion. I need to not be overwhelmed and rather instead learn how to focus better on difficult tasks.
I wrote a note to my doc back in Eugene tonight - I'm sending her a payment. At the bottom I thanked her for all that she's done for me through the years - there simply not enough thank you's. I ended by telling her I look forward to the day that she opens a package with a hardbound copy of my dissertation and her name in the thank you's in the beginning. In order to get to that point I need to step up my game again, play at the level I know I can, the level I played at to get hired on with my current research group. I don't want to let my chair down, I don't want to let the director of our group down. Most of all though, I don't want to let myself down.
*sigh* but I also want to enjoy my moments of laziness. Really. I just hope that my moments of productivenes are enough to accomplish all that I want to. I want to reach for the stars and grab them. I want to find that place deep within me and change the world. I need to hold up my end of the bargain so that the sweet A.B. from Dancing on the Edge can rest from carrying so many of our bargains. I need to, because it feels good, because it is my duty.
Now, now I just hope that my laziness hasn't screwed things up wildly at my study. I'll just hold on and hope, really hard.
posted by brooke at September 25, 2007 02:43 AM
