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Thursday, 1 November 07 :: why i may just not be able to stick this out.

i think instead of spending so much time educating women about how to keep ourselves safe, we need to spend a hell of a lot more time educating men how not to attack us. i'm know that that isn't a revolutionary statement, because i have certainly heard feminists say that so many times.. but somehow that isn't sinking down into general society. i remember during one recent election someone denying that they were a pacificst - somewhere in the federal government, that somehow, in all levels of elections (maybe not some local elections in places like eugene, ann arbor, madison) calling oneself a pacifist is akin to calling oneself a pedophile, and it blows my mind that we live in a society like this.

and it makes me angry. it makes me angry that i as a woman am told that i shouldn't ever ride on the bike paths along the willamette at home in eugene by myself because i may attacked. instead of telling me that, why don't we tell men just to leave women the fuck alone? why don't we fucking recreate society so that those who are perceived as weak aren't preyed upon? why don't we fucking change things so that self defense for women doesn't have to be taught.

i am angry. i mean, furiously angry. i fucking hate this fucking mentality that it will never change, and that if it does change for the better that society will only be weak. i mean, i fucking hate it. i hate that it brings up anger, deep anger that wells from the very depths of my soul.

i was in a situation tonight where this anger was triggered. as soon as this topic came up, the very first thing that came to me was - damnit - where are the men? why are the women talking about this, and the men - where are their revultionary discussions about changing society so that self defense doesn't have to be taught? really?

and then i my mind went back to dancing on the edge. i was so lucky to sit with a sisterfriend - a woman who i know grapples with so much of the same things that i do. as i was sitting in this situation, getting angrier and angrier by the moment, knowing that - most likely - i wasn't sitting among any like minds - that if this sisterfriend had been there i could have looked at her and known that my rage at this society - this unwillingness to accept this violent status quo - would have been understood.

now i get it - i get that i am one of the lucky lucky ones. i have never ever been attacked. i get how lucky i am. but i hate that i am lucky. it makes me angry that we live in a world like we do and there aren't seminars happening every fucking night, all fucking day, for men - by men - about how to change it. it makes me angry that so many women simply accept it. it makes me angry that women are put in these situations and they think that those of us who refuse to accept the fear, that those of us who stand up to it all - are simply angry activists. it infuriates me. and living in a place like i do - living in a whole fucking state that is run - at least in some part - by a church that tells women that they need to stay at home and take care of their kids because it is gods wish - not theirs. i live in a fucking state where a church that tells women that they need to have a man in their lives to give them full access to all the blessings of god. it simply infuriates me. the whole fucking gender thing infuriates me.

and i know i am not alone. i know that i am not the only one who is angry- who is infuriated - at it all. i simply do not know how i'm going to do this - i don't know how i'm going to finish this fucking degree in this place. i hate the status quo in this state, i hate it. i have been fighting status quo all my life, and i hate living in a place where i feel so fucking alone in my fight. it angers me to a degree that i can't explain.

so i've got alix olson on. and dammit - i can't find her dvd. because when i watch alix olson in this goddess forsaken place, i don't feel so alone. i don't feel so alone in believing that the world can be different. i don't feel so alone in my anger at how it is right now. i'm not alone. there are other warriors out there. i just wish i'd ended up at a school where the warriors were a lot more visible.

posted by brooke at November 1, 2007 09:27 PM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.

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