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Thursday, 20 September 07 ::
authentic intention
i'm constantly amazed at my friend angel and what he writes in his blog on tribe.net. all of this stuff that i think about all the time - living with intention, being in the present, learning to live with love rather than anger, etc - he actually writes about and appears to live every day. honestly, a lot of me is jealous, because i wish i could live such a life, and then there's the other side of me (the one i like a lot better) who simply looks to angel as an example of where i can go towards, where i can be, what i can do, how i can live my life.
because, it seems, for me, these days are filled with a lot of pushing through exhaustion. i wake up in the morning, think about what the day ahead of me has in store - what is on the calendar, what i can't miss, what i can miss, what i can put off until tomorrow- and then i think about when i get to fall back in bed again. spending my days pushing through exhaustion isn't a nice way to live, and there are days - like yesterday - when i give in to it. i don't get on my bike to ride to the bus and then up the hill. i simply stay in bed for most of the day, getting done just what i need to for the day, and hope that the next day will be different, hoping that i will wake up the next day with more energy, knowing in the back of my mind that that wish is unlikely.
but i do my best, because i know that with every task accomplished, every paper written, every email sent, every assignment completed, that is one less that i have to do, one less that takes me closer to finishing this degree and, hopefully leaving utah. not that it is absolutely awful here, and not that my life in eugene was spectactular, but it certainly felt easier. living in utah feels difficult, like i'm moving on a different wavelength than most people here. and i look forward to the day when i point my car.. who knows what direction.. with my belongings, starting out new some place else, hopefully where there are more people on my wave, people who don't think i am the freak, rather that i am just like them. yes, i think some of my exhaustion has to do with that different vibration, the constant fighting against the different, the craving to be back home where i am a part of the homogeny. if not home to eugene, some place similiar - like madison, ann arbor, berkeley or boulder. towns (cities) with huge quaker meetings and big beautiful uu fellowship houses.
posted by brooke at September 20, 2007 09:57 AM
