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Tuesday, 25 September 07 ::
heading down
as fall semester started i knew that what lays on the other end of the semester - the goal i so desire to get to, is also the time of year that i dread the most. as i am looking strongly to the end of this thing called 7610, i also know that the x-mas time comes with it. a time that i used to look forward to, but, now, as a 34 year old single woman, a time that i dread. while i could go home to family, when i am around all of them - siblings and step siblings with their kids and partners, my feeling of loss and 'which one of these is not like the others' is heightened to an uncomfortable degree. if i didn't want what they have, i wouldn't be bothered, but i do, so i am bothered.
so, i'm not sure what to do. i want to go to oregon, but.. will anyone be there for me? does anyone want to spend that day with me? am i important enough to anyone, but my family of birth, to spend the day with them?
these days i'm trying not to focus on what i don't have. i'm trying to focus on what i do. but as i'm planning for the end of stats, i know that the time of year when it is so difficult to avoid what i try not to focus on is coming. i need to come up with strategies, plans so that i don't fall into the darkness i fell into last year.
posted by brooke at September 25, 2007 11:40 PM
