rivervision - since election day of 2000.

Monday, 20 August 07 :: dote, back.

i'm in eugene, getting ready for the long drive tomorrow. i'm heading back to logan.

i think i wrote before about my apprehension in assisting at dancing on the edge. dancing on the edge is a course that is offered to heart of now graduates. 2 years ago i went through the course as a student, and, because of the great effect it had on me, it's taken 2 years for me to get back to assist in the course.

as my previous post indicated, there were some difficult moments for me, but none had to do with my assisting skills. it was the most connected i'd ever felt with a student group. there were so many that i shared deep moments with, that it really did make the lacks of assistant support more than worth it.

i'm rather experiencing a dancing on the edge high. it is subtle, but enough to notice. i feel full, and, in thinking about going back, sad that i have to. i wish i could have what i have here, there, or vice versa. i wish i could still have heart of now in my life to the degree that it was. i wish a lot of stuff. but the blessing is, it's still there.

i'm mainly writing to capture the moment. the feeling of joy in the sadness that i'm leaving. that i am sad because i'm leaving this place is a gift, because it means that i connected with many, and that those connections ran deep - very deep. i'm grateful for that, very grateful for that.

in this moment i'm filled with so much love for my friends, for the people that i get to share these moments with. sometimes i feel incredibly alone, but that people on the team this weekend were so glad that i was there meant a lot. it meant that i did a good job in what i saw as a challenge. i rose to my own expectations, and those are high.

i still have a lot to learn, and that is the beauty. as my friends ben and gra said as we were driving back - i no longer need the fluffy heart of now container, i'm in a place of grit, one where blunt honesty - from those who's honesty is filled with nothing but a deep love - is what i need to hear now. that is the beauty in the process. we get to learn, and grow, and connect. and i get to have moments when i cry, deep grief filled cries, for all those that i miss here in eugene. and isn't it nice, that after this long in my life, it is filled with people that i miss that much.

posted by brooke at August 20, 2007 10:01 PM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.