rivervision - since election day of 2000.

Saturday, 18 August 07 :: oregon

i've been here in oregon for a week and a day now. i wish the time wouldn't go by so fast. i finally started getting into the rhythm of things and i had to leave eugene to come here to dexter, and now, now i'm seeing the end of my time here, and it brings up an incredible sadness.

i'm currently in the ecoresource room here at lost valley. pondering my life in logan and noticing the extreme sadness that comes from it. i asked for support, but in a way that i didn't set up time to actually receive it. and now, now that our meeting is over and the day has begun, i'm not feeling particularly in the space to reach out yet again for actual support. i wish someone would just offer. so, for now, now i turn to the place that does seem to offer comfort in times of distress --> writing in this journal.

coming back has really cemented yet again how out of place i feel in logan. how, while i am supported in my academic endeavors, i don't in my endeavors to be myself. i know that some of that feeling is just my perceptions, but i also know that in an environment like logan, it is a reality.

i've complained a lot about the homogeneous liberal population in eugene, but after going out into the rest of the world, i actually now see the beauty of it. i see how it supports the person i hope to become, even if people do loose sight.

for the longest time i never felt like i fit in anyplace. blacksburg, atlanta, athens --> none felt like they were home. and even eugene did not feel so for the longest time, until the last few years i was there. then it became home. its hard leaving that so soon after i've found it, and while i'm grateful that i get to come back, the pain of missing it so much in logan is great. it's definitley the double edged sword.

i've got a couple more days. i hope i find the strength to reach out, because in my inability to not reach out, i am also too drained to support the process the way i'd really like too. and, i find that when i do reach out, i start to see solutions to my angst. i don't sit, i solve.

posted by brooke at August 18, 2007 10:12 AM

comments

about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.