lets just face it, its not what its all cracked up to be.
it's amazing how many images of this process i had in my head. okay, not how many images, but the couple of very specific images that i had in my head. and now that those images are not what it turned out to be, i'm lost. i'm constantly saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things, not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, wondering how i'm going to juggle everything i want to do. i thought i had it all figured out and then in one fail swoop it went kaboom. and now, now its all flubbed up, and while i'm still moving forward, questions about how its going to look are unanswered. i don' like things being unanswered. i don't like questions of where what who how sitting the way they are. i don't deal well with ambiguity, not at all. i just want to know what i'm doing and how i'm doing and when i'm doing it.
As a Buddhist monk my concern extends to all members of the human family and, indeed, to all sentient beings who suffer. I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their own happiness or satisfaction.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance Speech, Oslo, December 1989
today marks 4 years since my grandmother left us. we knew she was leaving, and i was lucky enough to be able to fly from oregon to charleston to say a proper good-bye with everyone. its been the last time we've all been together. i hope that wasn't the last time ever.
-----
whenever people ask me about my family i always get to brag. well, i've got 4 parents. okay. and see, my mother, when she became a grandmother asked to be called dede, after my grandmother, her ex husband's mother. i don't know why my parents stayed friends, why dede and al went to austin and louise's (my mother's parents) 50th wedding anniversary. i don't know why my uncle's ex wife came to dede's funeral. i just know that this is my example for what family is, and i'm grateful. it is a testament to all of them, and it was my grandmother, (and grandfather) who set the example for all of us to follow.
-----
i miss her. she didn't have a day-to-day impact on my life, not directly. but just knowing her presence existed in this world and she was *my* grandmother did impact my life.
-----
i have some things from their home in my home. every sunny morning rainbows from her prism get reflected around my room. the sign from their door hangs on the stairs as i walk out the door. their picture is on my fridge. its daily reminders of the blessings that they were, its daily reminders of their continued presence in my life.
-----
i love her. i love her so much. and i miss her. i miss both of them. so much.
inspired by emilin's birthday wishlist, i thought, since mine is on friday (but, *note* i'm bitter and single, and really am not celebrating the day), that i would do the same.
so, being that this day that i'm not really celebrating is coming up, what do i wish someone would get me?
a date with a cute boy
a phd, in my field please
an unlimited supply of quarters so i can do my laundry.
while i was working at LEAD i always enjoyed listening to the then development director s bless and release things she had been working diligently on. she knew that she had done the best job she could on the particular thing, project, recruiting of donors, etc, and now it was up to the universe to do its duty. she no longer had control and she knew she needed to turn her focus to the next very important task or tasks.
i just submitted my first two conference proposals. they got submitted to AECT, the flagship conference for our particular niche of education. i've been working on the proposal for my work for about 2 weeks on and off, another one i only had 1.5 days to work on. to get accepted at this point in my career will be a big boost for me, but i no longer have control over it.
as i hit the submit button i did just what i had heard s do many many times. i blessed and released them. it is no longer up to me, it is up to others, and i have other just as important tasks to take on.
i wear a necklace that says 'dream' - its one of my favourite pieces of jewlry i've ever owned.
last night i dreamt vivid dreams. i dreamt that i was going to school in england, rather than in the united states. i dreamt that i had taken a course at a school in canada before going over to england. i dreamt that i travelled down to austin, and started to live there, rather than in logan. i guess you could say that i dreamt that i was anywhere but here.
when i woke up this morning i'd forgotten what my purpose was. i'd forgotten why i was here and what was up today. and then it kicked in, i've got class.
i guess my enthusiasm for living in logan is waning. while there are many gifts here for me, in my time in eugene i came to love it there, even on difficult days. i seem to belabour this point over and over and over - i'm a pacific northwesterner. eugene is a nice little enclave for someone with my beliefs about how life should be lived and about how the world should be run. when in eugene i often complained that i didn't like the homogeneity of the place, but, now living in another very homogeneous place, i think i'd rather live in where i am like everyone else, rather than at the other end of the spectrum.
the dixie chicks won album and song of the year. they sung "Not Ready to Make Nice" to lots of people all over the world. imho, its vindication for what they went through when they exercised their right to free speech.
You measure democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists. ~ abbie hoffman
check it out:
(yeah, thats Joan Baez introducing them)
lyrics.
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it
I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
We often look to our friends to back us up in times of distress, and when they don't, well, it can be difficult. But, if there's one thing I've learned from this process I've been going through is that often the things we really need to hear aren't the ones we want to hear. While I am dissapointed in myself that I am not as far down the path as I wish I was, I am grateful that I am far enough down to recognize when I'm reacting to something I need to hear, rather than want to hear.
Humility is a hard lesson to learn. And, for me, what is even more difficult, is how to be humble while not giving up a hard won self-esteem. My struggle to be seen has been a loud one, and often the yelling causes people to put ear plugs in. One of my closest friends here in Logan is one of the quiet ones. She's quiet and yet her force is powerful.
if there's one thing in my life that has been the biggest influence on me, it has been my life long struggle with depression. it has angered me, isolated me, nearly killed me, and most of all humbled me. i have learned empathy, great empathy, and through my process of healing, have learned many many many things.
i'm constantly wondering if i made the right decision to move to utah. i mean, in some ways, it was the right decision. i have a wonderful apartment and dear friends. i am enjoying putting together the big puzzle that is my research agenda, and the discourse that i get to have about that research agenda. i am also enjoying the writing. okay, for the most part i'm enjoying the writing. i enjoy it when i know i'm on, when it flows. so, yes, in some ways the decision to do this was the righ one.
but. then something happens like happened tonight. i can't go into it, but it causes me to question my decision once again. i wonder if i can learn to in this world of academia, if its the right one for my activist heart.
tonight the sadness that i have had welled up in buckets. i guess its good its finally being dealt with. i guess its good that things may change, and i'll be..
honestly i wish i had the faith that the universe would catch me. i see so many people back in eugene that simply leap and know that the universe will catch them. i don't have that kind of faith, and i wish i did. if i did, well, where would i be today? i don't know the answer to that question.
i miss oregon. i know, it wasn't peaches and cream. goddess, there were days when it just sucked. and then there were days that it was simply the most amazing place i ever ever lived. *sigh*
on nights like tonight it just feels like i'm just pushing through till i can get done and back there. but i don't want the journey to be that hard. i want the journey to be the best part. i want the journey to be joyful. for so long i've just not enjoyed the journey.
Just to risk looking bad, to risk doing something you thought you couldn't do. Give someone a goal and a goal-minded community and miracles are bound to happen.
It's about pure creativity. It's about abandoning our inner critic, leaving our inner editor at a day-care center for a month. It's about seeing what comes out when we don't have time to worry our dreams into nothingness."
been PPPPP RRRR OOOOOO CCC RRRRRR AAAAAA SSSSSS TTTTTT IIIIIII NNNNN AAAAAA TTTTT IIIII NNNNNN GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG (PROCRASTINATING) all week. rarely a lick of work has gotten done. i've been walking around the department singing..
Procrastination, procrastination..
Is making me late
It's keeping me waiting
(yes, thats the carly simon song)
if i want to keep my upward swing going as a phd student, i should probably go work.
So we’ve learned karate,
carry knives on our runs
wield words like weapons
prepare glares-like hidden guns,
we’ve deconstructed, demystified
tried retribution, remythologized,
we’ve been diagnosed with your diseases,
and still tried pleases, tried tears, tried Jesus.
You wanna see what it’s like down here
in this pool of someone else’s rules, well
jump in, take a swim or just sit in this pit
squishing bare toes in someone else’s bullshit,
we do it all the time.
Still we’ve tried being patient,
collected, calm, nice
trying praying, tried laying you
paying the price,
we’ve learned to scream
until our throats throbbed
what else do you do
while your cunt’s being robbed.
And they say “you’ve made progress, girls,
take a rest in-between”
but see while you’re resting,
someone else is progressing,
it’s what i’ve seen.
So i take back the whispers,
the cute mute act,
and the high pitched giggles, yeah
i take them back,
i won’t avoid your stare, evade your step,
nothing of that kind,
won’t help you help me victimize
the only space that’s mine.
See now I’d put my life on the line just to see them trip,
frown and say “funny love, i never saw you slip.”
i say, “my life on the line-”
you say “man, she’s jaded.”
i say, “maybe control’s overrated.”
like when we cackled, they called us witches,
now we don’t giggle they call us bitches
well I’m cacklin loud, taking it back, full of hiss,
cacklin loud, cackling proud now.
And they’re getting nervous with this kissing each other,
scratching their heads,
whats going on brother
and they yell feed your husband, stop feeding the fire!
and we just cackle,
we’re a fuckin witches choir.
and we sing “sharpen your knives, sharpen your daughters
steam up the mirrors, bake us some dreams,
cook up some riots, fry up some screams,
and when you’re sick of your skirts
slice open the seams
cause they want domestics,
theyll give us needle and thread
for patching their egos.
we’ll sow revolution instead.”
And i hear you saying
“subtle, sister,
less bite, more bark
you can make your point without leaving such a mark.
subtle, sister,
stop your seething,
i think we got it, i think we’re even:”
subtle like a penis pounding its target?
subtle like your hissing from across the street?
subtle like the binding on my sisters’ feet?
subtle like her belly raped with his semen,
draped in his fuck, funny,
doesn’t seem even.
See, sometimes anger’s subtle, stocked in metaphor
full of finesse and dressed in allure
yes, sometimes anger’s subtle, less rage than sad
leaking slow through spigots you didn’t know you had.
and sometimes it’s just
about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.
