« gonna go work, uh huh uh huh. |
home
| lessons »
Saturday, 10 February 07 ::
pain
if there's one thing in my life that has been the biggest influence on me, it has been my life long struggle with depression. it has angered me, isolated me, nearly killed me, and most of all humbled me. i have learned empathy, great empathy, and through my process of healing, have learned many many many things.
i'm constantly wondering if i made the right decision to move to utah. i mean, in some ways, it was the right decision. i have a wonderful apartment and dear friends. i am enjoying putting together the big puzzle that is my research agenda, and the discourse that i get to have about that research agenda. i am also enjoying the writing. okay, for the most part i'm enjoying the writing. i enjoy it when i know i'm on, when it flows. so, yes, in some ways the decision to do this was the righ one.
but. then something happens like happened tonight. i can't go into it, but it causes me to question my decision once again. i wonder if i can learn to in this world of academia, if its the right one for my activist heart.
tonight the sadness that i have had welled up in buckets. i guess its good its finally being dealt with. i guess its good that things may change, and i'll be..
honestly i wish i had the faith that the universe would catch me. i see so many people back in eugene that simply leap and know that the universe will catch them. i don't have that kind of faith, and i wish i did. if i did, well, where would i be today? i don't know the answer to that question.
i miss oregon. i know, it wasn't peaches and cream. goddess, there were days when it just sucked. and then there were days that it was simply the most amazing place i ever ever lived. *sigh*
on nights like tonight it just feels like i'm just pushing through till i can get done and back there. but i don't want the journey to be that hard. i want the journey to be the best part. i want the journey to be joyful. for so long i've just not enjoyed the journey.
i'm tired. i need to go to bed.
ETA:
i just found this on a friend's weblog:
"Why should you do this? [ this referring to 30 songs in 30 days ]
Because life is about doing crazy, scary things that we don't think we can do.
Just to risk looking bad, to risk doing something you thought you couldn't do. Give someone a goal and a goal-minded community and miracles are bound to happen.
It's about pure creativity. It's about abandoning our inner critic, leaving our inner editor at a day-care center for a month. It's about seeing what comes out when we don't have time to worry our dreams into nothingness."
thanks bi. thats great.
posted by brooke at February 10, 2007 11:28 PM
