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Wednesday, 3 May 06 ::
digging deep
i'm working on digging deep to find something i've never seemed to be able to find in the past. that thing that -- when faced with an enormous amount of pressure to get more things than i could ever imagine possibly done -- gets me through those moments of feeling overwhelmed -- and getting through those moments with grace. a kind of extraordinary grace that gets you through without leaving people in your wake, the kind of extraordinary grace that leaves my head turned when i see it in other people.
i keep saying that i've not wanted to deal with the kind of pressure i'm dealing with right now before i head to utah. i've been wanting to relax and just be here, but i keep reminding me that its better to find this extraordinary grace in the face of huge pressure here -- with people who love and support me, even in those moments of my head popping off and melting. in utah i won't have these people.
i keep looking at today and just wanting to go hide and say be done with it all, and i kinda have -- i'm not in my office and i've avoided the teens ( i don't want to accidentally snap at them in my overly sensitive mood) -- but in otehr ways i've not. i'm here, i'm about to start working again. i still need to talk to someone about tommorrow, but i'm not up for that.. i'm not up for admitting my failures, i'm not up for admitting that i cannot simply do everything thats asked of me, everything that i want to do. i simply can't roll with punches right now.
and my fears? my fears are that the punches in utah are going to hit a lot harder than these punches. that each task is going to be overhwelming and i won't have the option of saying no.
but i'll move through this. and i'll see what lessons lie for me on the other side. i hope its the one i've been looking for for awhile. if not, hopefully i'll learn it soon.
--
on another note, i've reached out to someone twice so far about talking about important things. this person even told other people that we need to talk, but so far i've not heard word from this person. it makes me quite angry, honestly, because he's just willing to let it sit there. he can't seem to understand that my time here is limited, that i'd rather us be able to be in the same room together rather than the way things are now. but he seems to be unwilliing, and thats a shame because we share someone who is terribly dear to the other. if i have my way we'll be in each others life for the rest of our lives, because of this other person. but as long as they aren't willing to do their part, a reconnection won't happen.. i simply cannot pretend that nothing has happened, that my feelings haven't been deeply hurt, anymore. i was unwilling at the last heart of now course, and i'm unwilling as we've moved out into our lives. maybe i'm just cold hearted, i'd rather think i'm just sick of the uncleanliness between us.
----
*sigh*
i want my joy back. hopefully with some digging, with some getting through all thsi crap i gotta get through, maybe even a triad, i can. i hope so. i want to laugh in the face of hardship, i want to laugh outloud in the face off too much to do. yes, that is my intention, my intention is to learn to laugh when things get hard. that feels a lot better than to cry.
posted by brooke at May 3, 2006 03:52 PM
