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Thursday, 11 October 07 ::
grump, some more. or just sad, or ?
we worked out really hard at karate tonight. i don't usually work out that hard around people, because sometimes it brings things up for me, and i need to spend time by myself crying and letting it out. but tonight i couldn't leave when i needed too. or, i didn't want to, i didn't want to take off to take care of myself because i didn't feel like making the scene of leaving. so finally, when class finally ended, i really did just take off. i practically ran out of there.
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my day was a good day. i got a lot done in the morning, i went to class, i got to sit at the national coming out day table for some time, and at the end of the day i got to connect with a new friend. but then things went down hill from there.
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a confession. i think i made a friend feel bad. i talked to her about some of the things that i've been talking about with my new friends, and i think some of the things i said pertained to her. it wasn't intentional, i wasn't trying to get on her case - i'm just used to talking about my life with her.. but now, well.. my new friends understand the difficulties of me moving to utah, many of my friends around the department - people that i love and adore - don't understand because they are from here, or are part of the majority culture. it wasn't a good moment in my day. no, it wasn't a good moment in my day.
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by the end of this evening, our teacher asked what was one thing we learned tonight. people were rambling about the wonders of working hard and all that crap. all i could think about was what occurred to me near the end of the hour at karate - oh god, this is what it's going to be like for the next 2 - 3 years. in karate, in school - pushing myself to my limits constantly. constant work, constant tired, constant personal tests. this is going to be 2 - 3 really fucking hard years. and then, then i want to get a job at a research 1 institution, and i want to be a mom, and it's going to continue to be hard. fuck. what did i learn tonight? the next years of my life - while they may be filled with a lot of good - are also going to be filled with a lot of suck.
agh.
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i know, i know. my attitude should be better. and tomorrow i have crap to do in the morning and over lunch, but in the afternoon i get to go to a social with some of my new friends. and then i get to come home and hopefully be really lazy for the evening. i can't wait until 1.30 tomorrow.
posted by brooke at October 11, 2007 10:30 PM
