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Saturday, 13 October 07 ::
crushes
i realized on friday that i've developed a bit of a crush on a new friend. it's interesting to notice, and i'm glad i've identified it really quickly (the day after it set in). i guess that means i'm growing up that i'm able to catch these things so quickly. i'll admit - it's nice to have a new friend, but the crush is something i'd rather leave behind.
see, it reminds me that i'm single. and single. and even more single. it reminds me that, while i try to crush the feelings, i do have deep cravings of having someone to share my life with, someone that i can take care of, someone that can take care of me. i have deep cravings to be number one in someone's life, and to curl up with that someone every night.
i've started the process of filling out another heart of now questionaire. the course i'm going to take isn't for another 2 months, but i emailed early because i wanted to be on the list. see - i want to go to heart of now in december, and i didn't feel like being one of the one's to do the taking care of - i didn't feel like ending this semester and then heading home to run around for 4 days with my head cut off. i'd rather other's run around with their head cut off for me.
and so i start this process. the last time i did this was july of 2006. well, the last time i filled out a questionaire that is. i've filled out 5 of these - i think. i've filled out a lot of them. while i recognize that the end of the semester with 2 conferences to travel to isn't the best time to be looking at this process, it is a helpful time. it is likely that some of the answers may get written and re-written. and hopefully, what will get written will be answers full of honesty getting to some more bare bones issues that i've not yet gotten to in this process. i'm hoping that i will be able to talk about this single thing and understand it better.
and so.. so, i'd like to write some sweet conclusion to this -> i always like drawing things back together at the end. how do i connect this crush on my new friend and this heart of now questionaire? well- they are very much linked in my own mind, i just can't vocalize it yet. this is the part of it all i don't understand. why i can't have what my new friend has (this person is married) and why i end up with crushes and not the real thing. i do not want to live my life like this, i do not want to live the rest of my life looking in on what i want so much. it's just torture.
posted by brooke at October 13, 2007 11:23 PM
