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Tuesday, 8 May 07 :: what sadness do i carry?

it helps to write it out. i thought about submitting to postsecret, but i don't have the patience to create the kind of postcard that i want to create.

so. what sadness do i carry?

heart break that when i had to give up two of my cats, that i screwed up and out of the two i gave up, one was the wrong one. no one knows that i look for him every time i go back to eugene.
my loss of hope that i'll ever be a mom. the other day i saw the name 'esme' and usually in the past i'd put such a great name on my list of possible names for a little girl. but the other day i went to do that (the list is in my head) and instead of filing it away, i was sent to a place of hopelessness that i'll ever be a mom. this is the first time that's ever happened.
that i will be alone forever. and that i've had the chance not to be alone, but because i'm so clueless about body language, i've missed my chance.
that i'm simply going to endure my whole time here in utah. i'm tired of enduring, i want to dance, big joyful dances through life.

posted by brooke at May 8, 2007 09:07 PM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.