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Wednesday, 4 January 06 ::
sbb
i'm going to offer my copy of the book stone butch blues to a friend tommorrow to read. she's never read it, and in a brief conversation with her about gender identity, i realized she hasn't spent as much time thinking about it. she's someone who educates young folks about gay oppression. my thought is if you are going to educate about gay oppression, ya gotta read stone butch blues. not only is it a great read, but there's a lot in there. a lot. its had a deep affect on most people i know who've read it. it had a deep, strong, affect on me.
the first time i read the book.. i'd gone to charis books earlier that day and picked up a copy for myself. i'd heard about the book, and in the fall of 1995 i decided it was time for me to go read the book. yeah, so i picked my copy of the book up, and headed over to the bar i was hanging out in at the time. goddess, that was an interesting place. it was a working class bar in a bad part of the bad part of atlanta that i lived in at the time. it was a working class dyke bar. i was a young butch. yeah, i was a butch. i identified as so, and i walked around in combat boots when i wasn't at my job at the daycare center. i had my hair cut short, and tried to act tough. in reality i was a young dyke, newly graduated from the super-expensive private liberal arts college in one of the rich neighborhoods in atlanta. i had a degree that i didn't want to use, i was battling, at the time not knowing i was battling, chronic major depression, and i didn't know what i wanted to do with my life. i had found this bar, and had become a regular there. these women had accepted me, and for a short time i envisioned for myself an 'easy' life hanging at the bar, working jobs that didn't matter because at the end of the day what mattered was every night and the time i spent with my friends at the bar. yes, i actually remember thinking about this choice, and remember a time when that life seemed okay, and i remember a time when i knew that that decision wasn't for me.
so, back to the story. i picked up stone butch blues, headed to shahans, and sat at the bar and read this book. i couldn't believe what i was reading. i couldn't believe that someone was writing this book about being as lost as i was at the time (though, in that moment i couldn't tell you thats why i was so hooked). i sat at the bar remarking about the book, and not paying attention to really anyone around me.. i talked at the bartender for a second or two, but really, it was about the book. i left early that night, and just read. and read. and read till i was done.
yeah. it changed my life. for the longest time i couldn't put my finger on what was so remarkable about the book for me. i thought it was the story of queer, but it was that the book gave me permission to not know what it was i wanted to do in my life. it gave me permission to not have it all figured out. it gave me permssion to be lost, to explore not only my sexuality, but my gender identity, and my own being in this world. it gave this lost young dyke permission to eventually figure out that, while she was queer, that she wasn't a dyke after all. what a great gift, what an amazingly wonderful, tremendous gift.
since reading the book for the first time i've read it numerous other times. i haven't read it in a long time, because now that i know its okay to be lost, i focus a lot on the scary story that leslie feinberg writes about. i don't need that.
i got to meet leslie at the against patriarchy conference a few years ago here in eugene. leslie was the keynote, and alix olson was the entertainment. i was a lucky girl that night. i got to thank leslie for hir book. i got to thank leslie for permission to be lost, and for expanding my view of gender.
yeah. so maybe my friend will read the book, and maybe she won't. i hope she does.
posted by brooke at January 4, 2006 10:06 PM
