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Tuesday, 30 November 04 ::
psychic crisis
i can't sleep. and being that i'm now going to be honest in this space, i'm going to write about it.
it hit me this afternoon, HARD. wham. i wish i could turn back the clock 4 months. i wish it could be the beginning of august, the 1st of august, no.. a few days before. if i had my calendar handy, i could tell you the exact day in july when jr announced who would be the staff for the campaign i worked on. because i just about turned it down.. in that meeting. i was going to say no. i should have followed my gut instinct and said no.
i was getting ready to apply for jobs in eugene. mom was sending me opportunities and i was going to send my resume in. i was just back from the UK and 1.5 months earlier i helped achieve the thing we weren't supposed to achieve. no, andrea was not supposed to beat scott. a challenger was not supposed to beat an incumbent backed by the chamber of commerce. no, that wasn't supposed to happen. but, fuck it did. and because of that, my stock was up. it was way up. things were good. people were talking about us. we were good. i was good.
and then this campaign came around. oh holy fuck. the personality problems from the very fucking beginning. and all along, the thing i really didn't clue into, we had a candidate who really didn't want it. andrea wanted it. she wanted it bad. but the fall candidate, he didn't want it, nearly as bad. and then the other thing, i met our opponent, and liked him. ferfucksake, i liked him.
but the candidate and the opponent weren't the only problems. the stress of the campaign and having a baba yaga around didn't help either. no, i got sick, really sick. between the stress and the baba yaga, what happened was unthinkable. i got so sick. by october 1 i was blantantly aware that i wasn't doing what i needed too, i wasn't doing the minimum. i couldn't.
i am so angry at those three months. so angry for how sick i got, for my stock going down, for giving everything i could and failing. for giving everything i could and not having a candidate who cared.
i wish i could erase those months. things happen for a reason? thats what e said to me tonight, in our ever so brief and meaningless conversation.
fuck that. my life is so far worse than it would have been if i hadn't worked on that campaign.
these days i'm fighting a pain i've not felt in years. maybe its a pain i've never felt. i don't know. but its been a long time. and if i'd gone to work doing something a lot less stressful, leading the happy go lucky, in denial life that i had been, the space i'm in now, it would have never happened.
i'm so angry. i'm so angry at those three months. and right now i would do ANYTHING to turn back time, to erase it from my life, to get back, emotionally, what i had in august. to get back my stock, to get back it all.
these days, in these floundering times of mine, i am reminded every day that there is no one in my life who holds me as important as i hold them, well, maybe except for my mother.. but she's got her husband. but everyone has other reasons to distance themselves from me.
and people tell me cave time isn't good? well, cave time is the only thing that keeps me from going absolutely mad, from the every moment reminder that i am more alone than i was in august, that i am less important than i was before the campaign.
i hurt so bad.
i just want the first of august back. i am so angry, so frustrated, so stuck. i want it all gone. i want that baba yaga erased from my memory. i want everything attached to her gone, with no reminders that she was ever here.
this is where i turn to my higher power? if the baba yaga were gone, i wouldn't be dealing with that. instead i'd probably be happily planning some great civil disobedience because of the damn presidential election. i'd be watching the weather underground for happy inspiration.
instead i'm stuck, here. trying to piece together what is left in the shreds of my life. i hate this.
i want august 1 back. i want it back. i hate that campaign. i hate that campaign. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it.
and now, now i just want to stop crying and get to sleep.
posted by brooke at November 30, 2004 02:33 AM
