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Monday, 22 January 07 ::
going to oregon
i'm going to eugene on wednesday. i'm going because i need a break from utah. i need to escape, i need to forget that utah exists. i have visions of pretending that a whole building on the utah state campus doesn't exist, and that i didn't spend a whole season fantasizing about what it would be like to enter that building as a phd student and graduate assistant.
but there's a problem. and its a blessing kind of problem. see, in order to pretend all that i would also need to pretend that other people don't exist. i would need to pretend that ppp, jp, ap, dp, and baby b don't exist, and hl, wl, sl and sl don't exist, and then the whole b clan - m, v, k, j, l and baby g, and then mf and her two - l and m f. in order to hold true to my fantasy i would also have to erase them. and that's the problem.
no matter how much i want to forget that this place exists, even for a short time, to pretend that all those people don't exist (and many more), would actually ruin the fantasy of my life.
yes, i have a whole fantasy. that i'm married to a man i am madly in love with, we have a couple of kids, i'm dr. me, and i have more dear friends than i could ever imagine. i have friends that i can honestly say i care for deeply all over the country. and all these people here are helping to fulfill that fantasy.
i could never have imagined 6 months ago being lucky enough to have such good people in my life. when i was still in eugene getting ready to leave i got warnings about the mormons, and the conservatives. how could i ever form community with such people? it will be so hard for someone like me here. they say that people who aren't members have horns. they they they.
and they all understand who i am. they all know i'm a whacky liberal from eugene who is going to spend a weekend at an intentional community, on a commune, helping people get deeply in touch with their feelings. and they don't care.
what they care about more is the state of my heart. they care that i am a caring person who has compassion for others. they care that i am a good friend, that i'm trying my best to be the best i can be in each moment, that i acknowlege the beautiful humanity in each and every person. in some ways they are the kinds of friends i have always fantasized about.
no, not that my friends in oregon are awful friends, but.. different. my friendships with these people, well.. the care they have for me is something that i'm humbled by on a daily basis. the way they take care of me, the way they look out for me, its simply unbelieveable. and that i can do the same for them to the point where they don't feel like i'm just taking from them all the time says a lot about me. its a great compliment and testament to the fact that i am a good person.
and so, no matter how much i want to forget about this place, i can't. these friends here have gotten under my skin, and honestly, i want to keep them there. (okay, that was gross, lets use, instead - in my heart.) i don't want to forget them, even pretend.
posted by brooke at January 22, 2007 11:08 PM
