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Thursday, 28 December 06 ::
lets face it
the holidays suck. i mean, absolutely suck. especially if you are 33, nearly 34, and single.
i've been holding my breath since thanksgiving waiting for this 'holiday period' to be over. its nearly over, and yet i'm still in the middle of the holiday doldrums.
no, i did not go back east. why? because i couldn't deal with being back there pretending i'm all happy and shit that i'm with family, when inside my insides would have been twisting and turning.
so, i stayed here in logan. and spent the holidays with new friends and their families. and while it was incredibly kind of all of them to welcome me in the multitude of homes, and yes, i was incredibly humbled when i found out that there was a gift for me under one of the trees, i'm not going to pretend it wasn't hard as hell to be surrounded by people who have what i want. my greatest sorrow in life and i was surrounded by it for 3 days.
and now i'm back in logan and thinking about all the people i'm supposed to be grateful are in my life, and i'll be honest, i'm not thrilled about any of them in this moment.
i'm actually still in the midst of my bitterness. one thing i commented on over the holiday to my friends was that i'd never been invited to spend christmas with any friends in eugene. yes, that was different. and it was an extremely sad thing to realize. over the last semester i've always brought up their pictures during the hard moments, knowing that there were people who loved me, but i'm feeling rather bitter about the relationships right now. its amazing how much the whole 'out of sight out of mind' thing feels right now.
and to top my bitterness off, i had a difficult conversation with a member of my family. something has to change in that relationship. i'm not going to pretend that things are fine between us, and i'm also not going to subject myself to taking the brunt of feelings that i don't deserve to take the brunt of. at some point people need to realize that they too need to work on themselves, at some point people need to understand that there are two people in every relationship and that everyone has a piece in misunderstandings. i've got too much shit going on in my own life, and to visit that person the one time i go back east a year is rather a pain. i'm not one for dancing around difficult relationships, i'm not one to pretend that things are just dandy between me and another person. its not my style. i am learning i may have to do that with work collegues, but i'm certainly not going to do it with a member of my own family.
yes, as you can tell, this holiday has been difficult. i don't want to be one to predict into the future, but i imagine that each holiday that i'm single from now on will only get harder.
*sigh*
i've got to go register my car in utah. i hate the fact that i'll no longer be able to vote in oregon, but if i ever need to pay tuition in utah i'd rather it be instate than out of state.
posted by brooke at December 28, 2006 10:16 AM
