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Monday, 16 October 06 :: i fucking hate this process

damnit. the emotional ups and downs of this damn phd program. oh fuck this. damn. and my own expectations just add too much too it. oh holy fuck.

i got my second paper back today. i must say i was pleasantly surprised because i was told not to expect anything from this particular professor. and, you'd think i'd be happy with the grade - a 9/10. but no. the comment at the bottom has gotten the best of me tonight.

"a nice connection to the readings, but i hope to see more of your original thoughts in the future." or something like that.

shit. i thought i had done a good job, connecting what we'd read about, finding definitions. fuck. i don't think my brain can pump out any more original thoughts.

seriously. i've just spent a weekend all happy with myself, realizing that the field of sociolinguistics will be of benefit to my work around localization. seriously, in my searching and realizing that, i hope thats an original thought. so, to get this just hit me hard. damnit.

i'm using more brain power in this program than i ever have before. i mean, far more. but it doesn't seem to be good enough for me. i think i have a great idea, but i know there is someone in the room with an even better idea. i have this sick need to be the best, and unfortunatley, i'm not getting anywhere. i'm working fairly hard, but i can't see the trees in this whole forest of a phd program.

one minute i feel great, and then the next i'm curled up with that dagoba chocolate bar that i'd bought for a special occassion while i was in eugene. i've got "all is well" playing over and over, hoping to find a way to lift my spirits enough to sit down with all this rote learning that i'm having to do for ed research.

this is the hardest fucking thing i've ever done. yes, thats what i told everyone at home. "how is it?" "hardest thing i've ever done." was my prompt reply.

i'm trying to have an original thought, but i'm also trying to learn all that i need to know in order to wrap my head around all this stuff. its hard, its damn hard.

luckily i'm getting cable on thursday. basic. but its tv. i'll get to rot my brain on it for awhile. whooo hoo.

posted by brooke at October 16, 2006 04:27 PM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.