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Wednesday, 20 September 06 ::
thrown for a loop
i saw pictures of my friends at HoN last weekend. it has thrown me for a big ol' loop. this whole phd thing here is hard. i mean, so fucking hard. i have to dig deep to find things in me i've never found before. i'm digging deep to find my own drive, my own motivation, my passion.. with very little support from those who i assumed were supposed to support me.
i was bouncing back from a down day until i saw my friends yesterday and realized how much my life here differs from theirs, until i realized how much i need them in my daily life. i've been living in my head, and once i saw their pictures i moved to my heart. my head is in denial of how hard this is, my heart - as always - knows the truth. this is a lonely road i've decided to travel. it is lonely and not as fulfilling as i thought it would be. i've seen things here i wish i'd never ever seen, i've become aware of things i wished i'd never been aware of.
maybe this is is the first test of my endurance. i am not a long distance runner, i hate the part in the middle. the newness of this place has worn off, the glow is gone, now, now its about the real thing. this is the test, the test is to survive when the glow of beginning or ending is gone. life is about the lack of a glow, life is rather dull. yes, this is the test i am here to survive - or not. life without glow.
i'm glad i know that. it doesn't take away how much i miss my friends, but aren't i a lucky woman to have friends to miss? i think i am.
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in other news, my good friend lisa - one of the young women who she knows in her small town needs prayers. i'm going to do so. maybe you will too.
posted by brooke at September 20, 2006 09:18 AM
