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Saturday, 31 December 05 ::
the daily trip to the mailbox
every day i head to the mailbox, anticipating seeing that same coloured cream envelope i discovered in my mailbox one day nearly 10 years ago, in hopes that it will bring the same news from the same institution back then, only this time with the acceptance being to the ph.d. program. every morning i hope that this is the day i can call far and wide, eugene to dexter, virginia to north carolina, and home again to eugene. a lot of people know about my application, a lot of people know how much weight that cream coloured envelope with the red lettering carries for me.
yes, i'm awaiting that letter from georgia, letting me know whether my future lies there, or whether i should bank it on washington, or, more likely, utah state, or.. right here in eugene to make another plan.
the uncertainty of it is difficult for me, who likes to plan. i plan days, weeks, hours, months, years in advance. i'm constantly looking forward, reviewing the present to see if it matches those forward moving goals. the uncertainty of my acceptance to georgia is a difficult one.. as my friends here in eugene look forward to the upcoming year here at home, i look forward not knowing where i'll be when the next year turns. its a difficult thing.
the last few days i've felt my possibly leaving eugene pretty hard. i've been kept awake at night thinking about all those around me whom i love and adore, and how difficult a process it was for me to build the community i'm now so surrounded by. those that i speak to about it tell me that i'll be able to build a community elsewhere, but.. i like this one, and i have a lot of sadness about leaving THESE people. i know there are people out there as quality as the ones i have here, but, i like these here, and i like where they are, and the thought of leaving this place and these people keeps me awake, with the image of putting the brake on time in my head.
*sigh* while the coming of the new year brings a lot of anticipation for a new future, it also brings a lot of sadness. i'm not ready to leave this place, no, i'm not ready to leave this place. but, i'm hoping that will change one day as i open my mailbox and the letter i'm hoping to find in it will be there letting me know that if i want it, i can have whatever future i so desire. because, really, its only 3 years, 3 years and i can come home permanently, with a better hold on my future.
posted by brooke at December 31, 2005 10:41 AM
