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Thursday, 13 January 05 :: yes, its scary

this prostate cancer thing of my dad's.. his not-good numbers are high.. i didn't know that till last night.

i shouldn't worry? thats crap. its a cancer that doesn't cause immediate death? i don't care. its something that people live with for a really long time? promise me my dad will.

i didn't cry like this over the death of my grandparents.. this cry that comes up at strange times.. all of a sudden there i am crying.. over an illness that isn't killing him, but certainly could threaten his life.

*my* dad is supposed to be invincible. okay, i know thats crap, but this is about my dad. goddess, he's my dad. and the killer thing is that i like him a lot. if only i hated him, this would be a hell of a lot easier!! thats what i've said.. jokingly, really. cause us being close and loving and all makes it easier for all of us.

*sigh* its my dad, and he's got this scary form of prostate cancer. the tears will shed for awhile now. each time i go to read something about this, tears will shed. yes, it will be good to be home, alone, where i don't have to worry about anyone's reaction to my tears. where i can just cry like i need too.

posted by brooke at January 13, 2005 06:42 PM

comments

It will be fine. Give Harry my best. Give the bebe a kiss and I do hope you had pictures taken of you and Benny.

posted by: Lisa at January 13, 2005 07:52 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. I can tell you from my experience that prostate cancer seems to be one of the easier ones - they even have laproscopic methods of removing it. A friend who is like a father had this and he was so funny. They gave him pain meds after - this is a guy who doesn't even take Tylenol - and all he talked about was how great the drugs were.

posted by: chasmyn at January 15, 2005 04:14 PM

Hi, I've just randomly happened upon your blog. I'm going through the same kind of pain with my Dad. Although it's not cancer, it's still terminal, and I can totally identify when you say he's supposed to be invincible. Stuff like this happens to other people .... not us.

And, yes, my cats insist on never leaving my side too. Maybe it's a gay thing.

posted by: Jo at January 16, 2005 06:32 AM

about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.