wfp

inspired

my hero for the day is my friend lisa, of just lisa. why? because she's gotten into the middle of the politcal frey - she's found a candidate she believes in and she's doing everything in her power to get him elected. now, lisa isn't just any ol person, and she's not living in a political place. lisa is in rural iowa taking a stand for barack obama. she's been talking about him for awhile now, and while i haven't gotten on the obama bandwagon fully - her post today is the kind of thing i needed to read to convince myself to get on obama-wagon. i'm still not fully convinced - kucinich is really my guy, but he's certainly not electable - but her passionate description is enough to get most people convinced.

yeah! lisa for doing the hard work - the work that people don't thank you for doing. yeah lisa for getting in the trenches and facing all the stuff that people throw at you down in those political trenches. it's hard work, it's never ending, its work that sometimes tears your heart out - but in the end it is worth it. and me personally - well - i'm currently standing on the sidelines watching it all happen - wondering if i'm going to jump in or not - but i'm grateful lisa is there. if no one else thanks you lisa - i'll do it. thanks lisa for doing the work, i appreciate you being a part of the political process - and frankly - it's never too late.

words of wisdom from sal sheklow

clipped from the eugene weekly, you can read the whole thing

...
So I need to remember my GOOD list is long
Despite the intolerance, greed and exclusion,
Sweet blessings abound in abundant profusion.

I've plenty to eat and clean water to drink
And an outlet to write and to say what I think.
I'm more or less free to speak out with impunity
Thanks to my friends and supportive community.

Tune in and refocus, I tell myself now,
And watch what goes on without having a cow.
Try to stay open, serene and aware,
Change what you can; for the rest, say a prayer.

So even though much is oppressive and hateful,
I still have a lot for which I can be grateful.

disappointing.

i went away to baltimore and how lucky did i get? uncle chas is there, along with his brother. my ma is there too. now, it was nice to see my ma, but it was my uncle chas and his brother that gave me that sense that i get to get whenever i leave this place: i am not the only person who exists who questions the status quo. i am not the only one standing up and demanding that things get better when others are sitting back, benefiting from the risks we take and taking distance when the risks we take don't pay off. for 2 days i didn't feel like my skin was rubbing against me, i felt comfortable in my skin.

< rest of entry deleted. >

agh. fuck.

susrprise

from my mas b'berry... i'm at a conference.. v v sweet surprise.. my uncle chas who i've not seen in 4.5 years.. since baba. i remeber grwing up. coming to visit my grandparents here in md and how much more excited i was when s & c and t&j were going to be there.. last night i was that same little girl again.. so excited to see my uncle chas.. only this time an adult who could truly appreciate the person that is *my* uncle. i kept looking at him in great disbelief.. that it was him.. probably freaked him out.. but i am a girl who may live far away from family but it doesnt mean i dont love them with all my heart.. anyhow.. susie-- thank you for making the link.. and please tell c im sorry i got all sappy as we were parting tonight. i only wish youd been here too. love you.

one last note on tonight.

if i can remember the thought i just had. i realize that the world i live in is not the real one - the world that i hold out hope can exist - is not the world that i move about in. i realize that women have to learn self defense or else there would be far more women hurt in this violent society.

but. someone has got to be the idealist. someone has got to have a hold of a vision of peace, of justice - and - for me.. well, we each have purpose in life, we all have things that we hold on tight too - strong beliefs in something (or at least i hope people do). for a lot of people that something is God - for many of my friends - esp. those here in Utah - that belief in something bigger - is God (& the LDS church.) but for me, that thing that i believe in from the depths of my heart, that thing that i do my best to live up to in the moments that i can - is that we can have a society that is peaceful, we can have a society that is just. i have to be that idealist, because someone has too, and i - i am choosing too be the holder of that vision. because - if the vision is let go of, how can it ever grow?

so in my world, reality is different. in my world i refuse to be afraid of going places that i'm told i shouldn't because of my gender, skin colour, or other physical attributes. i refuse to let my femaleness stop me from doing what i want too. i refuse to give in to paranoia and fear. to some people this is stupid, but to me, it is the only choice i can make if i want to live in a world that is free of fear and violence. as my lds friends choose not to drink alcohol or coffee, i choose not to be afraid, i do my best to live the way i want the world to be. yes, i fail - we all fail, esp. in the face of a world of doubts and simply being human. yes, i may seem naiive - but i naiive i am not.

why i may just not be able to stick this out.

i think instead of spending so much time educating women about how to keep ourselves safe, we need to spend a hell of a lot more time educating men how not to attack us. i'm know that that isn't a revolutionary statement, because i have certainly heard feminists say that so many times.. but somehow that isn't sinking down into general society. i remember during one recent election someone denying that they were a pacificst - somewhere in the federal government, that somehow, in all levels of elections (maybe not some local elections in places like eugene, ann arbor, madison) calling oneself a pacifist is akin to calling oneself a pedophile, and it blows my mind that we live in a society like this.

and it makes me angry. it makes me angry that i as a woman am told that i shouldn't ever ride on the bike paths along the willamette at home in eugene by myself because i may attacked. instead of telling me that, why don't we tell men just to leave women the fuck alone? why don't we fucking recreate society so that those who are perceived as weak aren't preyed upon? why don't we fucking change things so that self defense for women doesn't have to be taught.

i am angry. i mean, furiously angry. i fucking hate this fucking mentality that it will never change, and that if it does change for the better that society will only be weak. i mean, i fucking hate it. i hate that it brings up anger, deep anger that wells from the very depths of my soul.

i was in a situation tonight where this anger was triggered. as soon as this topic came up, the very first thing that came to me was - damnit - where are the men? why are the women talking about this, and the men - where are their revultionary discussions about changing society so that self defense doesn't have to be taught? really?

and then i my mind went back to dancing on the edge. i was so lucky to sit with a sisterfriend - a woman who i know grapples with so much of the same things that i do. as i was sitting in this situation, getting angrier and angrier by the moment, knowing that - most likely - i wasn't sitting among any like minds - that if this sisterfriend had been there i could have looked at her and known that my rage at this society - this unwillingness to accept this violent status quo - would have been understood.

now i get it - i get that i am one of the lucky lucky ones. i have never ever been attacked. i get how lucky i am. but i hate that i am lucky. it makes me angry that we live in a world like we do and there aren't seminars happening every fucking night, all fucking day, for men - by men - about how to change it. it makes me angry that so many women simply accept it. it makes me angry that women are put in these situations and they think that those of us who refuse to accept the fear, that those of us who stand up to it all - are simply angry activists. it infuriates me. and living in a place like i do - living in a whole fucking state that is run - at least in some part - by a church that tells women that they need to stay at home and take care of their kids because it is gods wish - not theirs. i live in a fucking state where a church that tells women that they need to have a man in their lives to give them full access to all the blessings of god. it simply infuriates me. the whole fucking gender thing infuriates me.

and i know i am not alone. i know that i am not the only one who is angry- who is infuriated - at it all. i simply do not know how i'm going to do this - i don't know how i'm going to finish this fucking degree in this place. i hate the status quo in this state, i hate it. i have been fighting status quo all my life, and i hate living in a place where i feel so fucking alone in my fight. it angers me to a degree that i can't explain.

so i've got alix olson on. and dammit - i can't find her dvd. because when i watch alix olson in this goddess forsaken place, i don't feel so alone. i don't feel so alone in believing that the world can be different. i don't feel so alone in my anger at how it is right now. i'm not alone. there are other warriors out there. i just wish i'd ended up at a school where the warriors were a lot more visible.

think before you pink.. again.

this image brought to you by breast cancer action and their think before you pink campaign.

last day of this pink month. now, i'll admit, i actually do like the particular shade of pink that has found its way onto everything from water bottles, to m&m's to campbell's soup labels.. but the reason it's there is simply unacceptable.

so, i'll leave you with this last thought: this excellent link- how low will komen go, the winners, from the assertive cancer patient

disclaimer: while raising money for breast cancer is a noble cause, what isn't so noble is how much profit is made off the little bit raised. these same companies should be doing more. take all those profits, and well.. donate them to prostate cancer.. or, for crying out loud, give a measly $5 million to this band of parents who are doing all they can simply to make sure that their children get to graduate from high school. $5 million may seem like a big deal to some people, but to some of these companies - as we all know - it's just drop in the bucket. drop in the bucket vs a child's life. the next child could be the child of a CEO of one of these very companies, they may think differently then. lets hope it doesn't take getting to that point.

annoyed.

i'm annoyed. what is new. i think i'll just end up being annoyed for most of this time in utah. i simply do not understand non-mormons who settle here. agh. this place, today, just isn't worth the beauty.

roar!

do you hear that ROAR coming from my apartment? i'll betcha you can (my poor downstairs neighbors). know what it is? it's the sound of a girl from the southeast (humid in the summer) and the pac nw (humid in the fall, winter and spring) with her first cold of the 2nd year of living in the desert. oh no, the roar is not my nose being blown over.. and over.. and over (that's just an added bonus). the roar is the sound of not 1, but 2 humidifiers going at full power. btw, each one can fully humidify 1000sq feet in 12 hours. Things should be just ducky in here in just a couple of hours. I may just go get a neti pot just to make sure that the snot doesn't get stuck in my sinuses like quick dry cement like it did last year. Oh no, I've hit the 2nd year wall.. thats enough to deal with. I am not ALSO going to deal with cement nose too.

back.. and awake

i slept most of the day yesterday.. now i'm back from AECT. it was so worth the money i spent to go, it was worth the time away, it was worth getting up at 3.30 to go.

on my desktop i have notes from a variety of different presentations i attended - i got new ideas from most of them. i got to connect with someone who knows about reciprocal mentoring and hear that our study will lend something to the literature. i got to meet a friend of my chair who said that hitting the wall in the 2nd year is just par for the course. i got to inspire myself into pursuing my own research interests along with what we are doing in the research group. i'm excited, and i now see the draw to this conference. yep - i'll be in orlando next year - for more reasons than just getting to see my beloved aunt.

early punchy flight.

on wednesday morning i get to get up at 3.30 so that i can meet my friends at 4 so i can fly.. into the fires. whoo hoo. wednesday is going to be a great day. *note heavy east coast sarcasm* did i mention i'm not the best flyer? turbulence freaks me out. hahahaha.

my weekend

yes - i am alive. i've not posted anything of interest because there isn't anything of interest going on in my life. i spent last week decidedly uninspired by what i'm doing here in utah. it was bad, really really really bad. i threw a fit one day in my office - when no one else was around - because of my frustration. really, all last week the only place i wanted to be was the dojo (dojo = karate studio) because i've now learned one whole staff kata, and am working on a 2nd. staff kata = much better than school.

so, this is how i spent my weekend. me and my codependent cats being very very lazy.

i'm feeling a bit better about things. i'm feeling a bit more inspired. maybe its just because, yes - i AM looking forward to my 60 hours in warm southern california. goddess willing i *will* get to dip my feet in the pacific ocean.

*note* the stats book - i only pulled out today, and got through 30 of the 50 pages due to be read by wednesday. only 30 pages? pick up cohen et. al, you'll see how dense that stuff is. v v dense.

crushes

i realized on friday that i've developed a bit of a crush on a new friend. it's interesting to notice, and i'm glad i've identified it really quickly (the day after it set in). i guess that means i'm growing up that i'm able to catch these things so quickly. i'll admit - it's nice to have a new friend, but the crush is something i'd rather leave behind.

see, it reminds me that i'm single. and single. and even more single. it reminds me that, while i try to crush the feelings, i do have deep cravings of having someone to share my life with, someone that i can take care of, someone that can take care of me. i have deep cravings to be number one in someone's life, and to curl up with that someone every night.

i've started the process of filling out another heart of now questionaire. the course i'm going to take isn't for another 2 months, but i emailed early because i wanted to be on the list. see - i want to go to heart of now in december, and i didn't feel like being one of the one's to do the taking care of - i didn't feel like ending this semester and then heading home to run around for 4 days with my head cut off. i'd rather other's run around with their head cut off for me.

and so i start this process. the last time i did this was july of 2006. well, the last time i filled out a questionaire that is. i've filled out 5 of these - i think. i've filled out a lot of them. while i recognize that the end of the semester with 2 conferences to travel to isn't the best time to be looking at this process, it is a helpful time. it is likely that some of the answers may get written and re-written. and hopefully, what will get written will be answers full of honesty getting to some more bare bones issues that i've not yet gotten to in this process. i'm hoping that i will be able to talk about this single thing and understand it better.

and so.. so, i'd like to write some sweet conclusion to this -> i always like drawing things back together at the end. how do i connect this crush on my new friend and this heart of now questionaire? well- they are very much linked in my own mind, i just can't vocalize it yet. this is the part of it all i don't understand. why i can't have what my new friend has (this person is married) and why i end up with crushes and not the real thing. i do not want to live my life like this, i do not want to live the rest of my life looking in on what i want so much. it's just torture.

grump, some more. or just sad, or ?

we worked out really hard at karate tonight. i don't usually work out that hard around people, because sometimes it brings things up for me, and i need to spend time by myself crying and letting it out. but tonight i couldn't leave when i needed too. or, i didn't want to, i didn't want to take off to take care of myself because i didn't feel like making the scene of leaving. so finally, when class finally ended, i really did just take off. i practically ran out of there.

my day was a good day. i got a lot done in the morning, i went to class, i got to sit at the national coming out day table for some time, and at the end of the day i got to connect with a new friend. but then things went down hill from there.

a confession. i think i made a friend feel bad. i talked to her about some of the things that i've been talking about with my new friends, and i think some of the things i said pertained to her. it wasn't intentional, i wasn't trying to get on her case - i'm just used to talking about my life with her.. but now, well.. my new friends understand the difficulties of me moving to utah, many of my friends around the department - people that i love and adore - don't understand because they are from here, or are part of the majority culture. it wasn't a good moment in my day. no, it wasn't a good moment in my day.
--

by the end of this evening, our teacher asked what was one thing we learned tonight. people were rambling about the wonders of working hard and all that crap. all i could think about was what occurred to me near the end of the hour at karate - oh god, this is what it's going to be like for the next 2 - 3 years. in karate, in school - pushing myself to my limits constantly. constant work, constant tired, constant personal tests. this is going to be 2 - 3 really fucking hard years. and then, then i want to get a job at a research 1 institution, and i want to be a mom, and it's going to continue to be hard. fuck. what did i learn tonight? the next years of my life - while they may be filled with a lot of good - are also going to be filled with a lot of suck.

agh.

---

i know, i know. my attitude should be better. and tomorrow i have crap to do in the morning and over lunch, but in the afternoon i get to go to a social with some of my new friends. and then i get to come home and hopefully be really lazy for the evening. i can't wait until 1.30 tomorrow.

grumpy

i'm grumpy because i take things too personally. i'm grumpy because it feels like every difficult thing i have to overcome is just one more thing standing between me and this damn degree. i'm grumpy because there is so much to do, and so fucking difficult, and i'm just so blasted tired. i'm grumpy because being in utah is difficult. it is more difficult than people may imagine, especially people who are a part of the majority culture, especially people who simply do not know how different my home is from this place. i'm grump grump grumpy.