she lives.

i live in eugene. i live in whiteaker.

she was.

blacksburg. its a small college town in the mountains of southwestern virginia. ever heard of virginia tech? if you have, then you know about blacksburg, cause thats where tech is.

she doesn't work in the normal sense of the word. her current income comes from ssa and long term disability insurance. she gets this because she deals with depression. the kind that hasn't responded to any medication. and believe you me, she's tried lots and lots of them. and she's got such a well worn paper trail that she got accepted by social security the first go-round. this does not happen. esp. for people her age. no, she's not faking.

she's got 4 cats she herds around. lily, max, ava and smudge. she spends lots of time pondering her next steps. these not so normal times. wondering when georgie boy is gonna piss the hell out of someone to the point that serious bad things happen and she's really gotta start worrying about her loved ones. she enjoys baking- when her kitchen is clean, going to the coast and cougar hot springs, reading, downloading new music from bearshare, she might even take up knitting sometime soon.

her sexuality.

"Once you find your sexual identity is different than you imagined, or everyone else imagines -- it's a very profound matter. Once you eject yourself from the world of the common understandings and assumptions about who everyone is or what they should be doing, then the choices become enormous." ~Frances Fitzgerald in Cities on a Hill, a book about gay San Francisco.

"I became a lesbian because of women, because women are beautiful, strong, and compassionate." ~ Rita Mae Brown

she politics.

she's a radical. she believes in things like government funded health care, food stamps, welfare, disability checks that are big enough not to cause more stress. she knows that trickle down doesn't work. she is pro-choice and against the death penalty. she believes in peace and has all her life, she knows that the killing has to stop. she started identifying as a feminist around age 10 and has been speaking up about feminist issues since then. she slowly but surely became a radical feminist. she supports the israelis and the palestinians and believes that there should be an israeli state but she also knows that israel commits serious human rights violations against the palestinians and so she thinks that the state of israel, as it is now, is as evil as the state of the united states government. she was a life long democrat until a couple of years ago, she now knows that neither the republicans or the democrats are worth anything but the dems are the lesser of the 2 evils. she is pro environment and animal rights. if you want to know more about her politics, ask, cause she's got opinions on everything.

her body.

4'8", round.

"Lets look at the roots of this sickly tree
We're livin' in the branches of 5000 years of patriarchy
Don't let it hypnotize you remove yourself from the scene
Your body's beautiful
the problem is the context we've been in


To be independent, strong and big
threatens the status quo
It's only been 75 [82] years since women had the vote
The laws have changed misogyny went underground
Anytime you hate your body society's doing just fine
Keeping you down"
-Eve Decker

she's proud.

• earning her masters degree, after almost flunking out of high school
  
• making it in oregon
  
• raising 4 very loving cats
  
• working on and surviving the NO on 9 campaign (2000)
  
• racing in the 1992 whitewater slalom olympic trials
  
• learning to read before kindergarten
  
• slowly but surely suriving her illness.

she eats treats.

prince puckler's (eugene) peppermint stick

she eats treats in different places.

gilles, in blacksburg

she travels, too (her favorite place in the whole world).

the new river gorge, west virginia

opening the closet.

always knew she was different, always knew that women who loved women were the most evolved people.. had heard rumors that she might be gay in high school.. during my sophomore year of college was walking between my dorm and hearst hall at oglethorpe and realized she was a lesbian.. tried to straighten herself out for 2 years.. got on the indigo girls internet mailing list, met a lesbian in atlanta, became friends, finally felt comfy to come out. officially its 7 december 1994. 8 years.. no, its not a phase.

she spirtualizes.

she found unitarian universalism in 1998 after searching for the christian god and finally giving up. she is a very proud uu even though she doesn't go to fellowship much. she believes in the goddess mother earth and all the many gods and goddesses floating around in other different religions-- except the big mean patriarchial ones. she's done some intense work with baba yaga. her strongest spirit is that of the river. the river is the life force of the earth and she comes in all sizes from tiny drips down your window during the rain to mile wide flowing bodies of water. if she had to be monotheistic her spirit would be the river. she would never ever try to convert anyone, for respect of other's belief systems and their own path to truth is a core of her spirituality.

her family.

yes. a mother, a father, a mother, a father (yes, 4), a brother and sister-in-law , a perry and marsha, extended family.. all love her, she loves them all, tremendously. they know it. she knows it.

her age.

she was born a pisces in 1973

her cats.

• Meow Lily Bear-- Lily. Born November of 1997.
  
• Maxthenew River-- Max. Born May of 1998.
  
• Ava Pearl Skymoon-- Ava P. Born December of 1999.
  
• Willamette Smudging Valley -- Smudge. Born April of 2001.

• Stone Butch Blues, by Leslie Feinberg
  
• The Second Coming of Joan of Arc and other plays, by Carolyn Gage
  
• Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers, by Lilian Federman
  
• Annapurna: A Woman's Place, by Arlene Bloom
  
• A River Journey: A Journal of a trip down the Grand Canyon, by Edward Abbey, pictures by John Blaustein
  
• Midnight Lemonade, by Anne Goethe
  
• The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath
  
• Long Quiet Highway, by Natalie Goldberg
  
• Summerhill: A Radical Notion to Child Rearing, by A.S. Neill

• Natalie Goldberg
  
• Beverly Cleary
  
• Alix Olson
  
• Carolyn Gage
  
• Leslie Feinberg
  
• Lilian Federman
  

favorite music.

• Radar Rose- any of their stuff
  
• Simon and Garfunkel
  
• Paul Simon, solo
  
• Mary Chapin Carpenter
  
• the Beatles
  
• John Lennon-- solo stuff
  
• Indigo Girls
  
• Wendy Bucklew
  
• Kristen Hall
  
• Michelle Malone
  
• Rebecca Riots
  
• Sara Lee
  
• Les Miserables

this is a radical lesbian feminist...

she is not really sure what the textbook definition of radical lesbian feminism is.. she just knows she's been called one.. when she heard carolyn gage speak after performing the second coming of joan of arc she cried because she heard her voice being spoken in a large gathering for the first time ever..

• she is a separatist. though she does make exceptions for some men.
  
• she believes that women are more evolved than men
  
• she knows we live in a patriarchial society, and she knows that that patriarchy is the cause of all the problems women face because of our gender
  
• she has great distrust for the male popluation as a whole.. individually, though, she has found many gems
  
• she knows the media is a pawn of the patriarchial corporations
  
• she believes that no matter how hard a man in this society might try, he still carries the privilage granted to him and he will never be able to relinquish it
  
• People use the term "post-feminist".. she doesn't understand, because women are still hated in this society..
  

does that explain better? she's not sure if it does..

"There is no mercy for women because our crime is our gender. We have got to fight." -Carolyn Gage

yes. yes. i suffer from depression. not sure when it started.. probably around age 12 or maybe even earlier. recently i have been dealing with a bout of major/severe/really bad depression since 4 Jan 2001. my current official diagnosis is treatment resisistant severe depression. yes, i am trying psychotropics, and have been since 1997, except for a break from august of 1997 - may of 1999. no, so far, i've not found anything that worked terribly effectivley. this is a treatment i continue as even though there might not be one that makes me "able" there are drugs that make me "more able." i have worked with a total of 5 people who prescribe drugs. the 5th and most current is a family practitioner with a seeming speciality in depression, i have been working with her for a year. i have worked with psychologists / counselors since january of 1997, except for a break from march of 1998-feb of 1999.. i've been with my current psychologist since february of 1999.

i also suffer from anxiety. anxiety and depression often go hand in hand. i think i've suffered from anxiety for a long time.. probably as long as depression... but i had my first panic attack sometime jan or feb of 1997, during graduate school. it took me about 6 months to truly understand them.. i suffer more anxiety than i do panic and have pretty much been free of all out panic attacks since early 1998. now that i know what they are, if i feel one coming on i can usually stop it. i do keep xanax around as it does help with the pretty much constant anxiety.

things that annoy her.

• slow drivers in the fast lane
  
• chewing-food sounds
  
• stupid people
  
• spam
  
• people who are unaware of their feelings.
  

things that don't annoy her.

• my cats (most of the time)
  
• ice cream
  
• fierce wind
  
• BIG, LOUD storms
  
• driving fast
  
• water.

spare time is spent.

• thinking
  
• trying not to think
  
• in bookstores
  
• with my cats
  
• reading
  
• zoning out
  
• watching tv
  
• thinking about the gospel according to me.
  
• avoiding all the things i need to be doing
  
• hermitizing myself
  
• in denial.

she admires.
thats a good question...... i'll start at the top. or the bottom. or inbetween.

• leslie feinberg: for having the courage to be hirself. for having the courage to tell the world. for having the courage to fight for whats right for hirself and all the others like hir.

• cathy hearn: for being nice to me at the 1992 olympic trials, for being a gracious person, for not getting a big head when she could have, for remembering what it was like not to be at the top, for being kind, for teaching me about kayaking, for being so dedicated to a sport she loves and giving that sport a good name.

• harry hull robertshaw and dianne robertshaw yardley: for raising me and trusting my judgement about the path i wanted to take. for loving me. for letting me be independent, for letting me be dependent. for respecting who i am, even though they might disagree with me. for teaching me to respect who others are, even though i might disagree with them, for trying to understand my never ending changes. for letting me know that i can make mistakes and its okay.

• my caregivers: k the psychologist, c the doctor. they work hard for me, i'm hard to work with. they go beyond their prescribed duties on many occasion to help me. how can i not admire their tenacity to help me?

people who have influenced her.

• my parents
  
• my brother, zack
• leslie feinberg
• chris eiss
• jan dykes
• jane gabrielle
• perry thompson
• marsha thompson
• louise m. wilkins, my grandmother, d. 12 december 2000
• alix olson
• carolyn gage
• jana ruble and anya hinkle
• rob myers
• my caregivers
• dr. robert m. branch
• pat west
• a.s. neill

piercings

• ears. 1 hole in each ear.
• nose.

tattoos

• double femail symbol on left bicep
  
• labrys on left inner wrist

she likes.

• tofu
  
• purple
  
• cats
  
• long, heart revealing conversations
  
• the appalachain mountains
  
• the new river
  
• oregon beaches during the rainy season
  
• toffee
  
• snuggly beds
  
• human touch
  
• my written voice
  
• apache
  
• writing
  
• music
  
• labryses
  
• books
  
• lightening
  
• rainbows
  
• cuddling
  
• giving
  
• my old boss
  
• eugene
  
• blacksburg
  
• wesser, nc
  
• the appalachain trail
  
• bookstores
• good slam poetry
• skinny dipping in natural bodies of water
• cougar hot springs

she doesn't like.

• coal
  
• pens that don't work very well
  
• the smell of wet cat food
  
• tunafish sandwhiches
  
• beans
  
• insurance companies
  

education.

• Va Tech Lab School (young)
  
• Blacksburg Montessori
  
• Carousel Pre-School (learned to read before age 5)
  
• Harding Avenue Elementary: K-3rd grade
  
• Maragret Beeks Elementary: 4th, 5th grades
  
• Blacksburg Middle School: 6-8th grades
  
• Blacksburg High School: 9-12th grades
  
• The World of Whitewater Kayaking: age 15-present
  
• Roanoke Co. Parks and Rec: age 16-17
  
• Brevard College: Freshman Year of College
  
• Oglethorpe University: Sophomore-Senior years of College, earned a B.A. in Elementary Education, 1995
  
• The real world, Atlanta, Blacksburg-- August of my 22nd year-September of my 23rd year.
  
• University of Georgia: Master's Degree in Instructional Technology, 1998
  
• The real world again, Blacksburg, Va: March - August of my 25th year (1998)
  
• 5 days on the road: August 3-7th of 1998.
  
• The State of Oregon, The Real World-- August 8, 1998-present.
  
• the death of my grandfather, Alfred Foster Robertshaw, January 6, 2000
  
• the death of my grandmother, Louise Miller Wilkins, December 12, 2000
  
• Battling Depression, age 12-Present

her alone.

i absolutely hate it when people who haven't seen me in awhile ask me, first off, "so, anyone special in your life?" or "dating anyone?", "got a partner yet?"....

my answer for a long time was no...
but then it started to change.. yeah, i got someone special in my life, me.. yeah, i'm dating someone, i'm dating 3 people-- me, myself, and i!, yeah.. i got a partner, yer lookin' at her!

what i realized was that people believed that for some reason in order for me to be a whole person i had to have someone special, a girlfriend or a partner or whatever you might want to call her, to validate that i am whole.

at least thats what i believed from their questions, and thats what i believed this couple based, this couple encouraging, this love a romantic partner obssessed society was telling me.

i live alone. okay, thats a lie. i don't live alone, i live with lily, max, ava, and smudge-- my 4 cats. is it a choice to live alone? yeah, i could live with a human roommate.

but i'm a loner. i've been a loner all my life. i like people.... ......at a distance. at a distance that i can control.

some people would probably say that i fear intimacy. others might just think i'm a control freak. others might think "right on"...

i don't date much. its not something that i seek out really. i crave touch, and yeah, sometimes i do crave that intimacy that comes from a lover relationship. but if i really wanted to date someone, i would probably make a much bigger effort to do so. so, obviously its not something i want all that much.

see for me, in the moment of my life that i'm in, its about becomming whole. and i'm not there yet. and i don't know if i ever will be. and if i do become whole, will i want to share myself with someone else?

and if i don't want to share myself, there's nothing wrong with that, because, you know what? the only person i need to validate my existance is me.

so yeah, i'm alone. i like it that way.