i wrote the following a LONG time ago.

Dear Beth,
I'm sitting here curled up in your bed, on the night your father died, unsure of what or how I can do for you. Mourning both mortality and loss, hoping that tonight when you are sleepless & reaching out for someone, that it will be me that you reach for. I've never felt about someone the way I feel about you, & tonight I feel your emptiness, or at least I try too. So many thoughts have run through my head. I bought this journal today for me to have a chance to write & work out my deepest fears & thoughts. I want to improve my relationship with me & inturn my relationship with you.

{Later that night}
On my way home tonight I stroked your face, I felt the curves of your face under my fingers, I found your hair between my fingers, I saw the flash and pleasure on your face. Your tears dripped onto my fingers as I wiped them away. Wanting to crawl up in your skin & make it all better. I know that I can't make it all better, but I ever so want too. I want to bring your father back to you. I saw you cry tonight- a memory I will never forget. I need to stop thinking about it because it rips my heart out. I cry tonight with the deep thought of my own mortality, or our own mortality, of the mortality of our relationship, one that I hope to be immortal. But still, it scares me. I thanked Lisa tonight for breaking up with you, so that you could be a part of my life. Sometimes I feel so one-dimensional among us. I am so terribly jealous of everything you do to create more three-dimensionality- because I see you as being so incredibly 3 dimensional & not needing any more of it. This is all one big nightmare. My favorite thing to do these days is to curl up with you and hold you tight- at a time when I feel like you could need me most, I can't have that, or re: you can't have it. I think I need you more than you need me tonight. I need reassurance of your okayness.

-Brooke

posted by brooke at July 27, 2002 05:33:34 PM