January 25, 2003
i dig people

call me a copycat?

i've never given out any award, not in my 8 years on the web, not when it was, the thing to do, and i don't believe that you can really judge one weblog over another.. but i do believe that you can let folks who do this day in and day out that you appreciate them.

if i neglect anyone let me know, don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. no, don't like to do that.

blogger who never thinks she has anything to say but always does when she says it: lisa of just lisa

my very favorite potato-flame-shooting-thing inventor, who happens to have a blog: todd of the ripperman

the most prolific writer in the blogging world: patti of i must

best graphic designer in the blog world: chel of bliss

most interesting new mommie in blogland: heidi of shooting stars

best future activist in blogland: paris of roni

bloggers who let me fight for peace while they keep up the feminist fight, who i am so grateful for: cinnamon of did you know and poise, roni of goddess musings, and revolution 9

the sweetest blogger in blogland: monica of traces

the blogger who most deserves to be in the bloggies because she is simply the blogger most in love with this community and what we do: jeneane of allied

the blog i look to for inspiration when my neurotransmitters are out of whack: sandee of i will survive

the blogs i look to for inspiration when george bush is out of whack: brooks of anarchtica, no war blog

the most selfless boodle rescuers in blogland: cal of written on the sky and sal of daydreaming

the rookie of the year (2003): dawn of blatherings

the quirkyiest blog: maggie of fluffy battle kitten

the most peacefully designed blog: jann of aspirations to sweetness

the best blog by someone who never writes in it: whytekitten's journal

the funniest and most sarcastic blogger in all of blogland: dania of dania's dalies

the blogger who is inspiring me the most to learn how to knit: silver of bite this

and lastly:

the best blogger in all of blogland: brooke of rivervision... joke! its a self-esteem exercise. there isn't one.

y'all all get this, if you want it (take it, don't link from it, please):

Posted by brooke at 12.16.11 PM

January 24, 2003
hurt.

i'm hurt for reasons that would sound too mean and selfish.

thanks to all for the kind messages left the last few days. they mean a lot.

Posted by brooke at 09.03.33 PM

January 23, 2003
its so quiet in here.

its warm in eugene today. it got up around 60 and it was sunny. i've spent the vast majority of the day inside curled up on the couch, which is fine.

right now its really quiet in here, except for the hummm of the computer and the click of the keys. i don't have any lights on and 3 cats are curled up on the papasan, one is curled up on a pillow. i've got the window all the way open and a slight breeze is coming in, bringing in noises from the railroad track.

this is my evening.

i've thought about greece tonight. i've been so overwhelmed by requests for postcards and gifts. i'm not sure how to handle it. i'd like to just be able to send cards and get gifts for people that strike my heart. this trip is for me. last night on the phone with the doc and i didn't want to go. at least tonight i can say again that i want to go.

my cats are learning that when i get so low they need to stay away. the papasan helps. they can curl up together. i think 3 is the most it can handle comfortably. last night i discovered the boys in there together with ava. that was nice. boys together. tonight i heard on the news that reno, nv has a law against having more than 3 cats in a house. i'm glad i don't live there, and i only hope eugene doesn't have a law like it that i don't know about.

its thursday night. i watch tv. pbs and nightline from jasper texas. thats where byrd was dragged to death. its white vs black reflecting. i missed the movie. i might watch it or i might go for the more light hearted nbc line up friends-scrubs-will & grace-good morning miami. after "the hours" i should probably go for the comedys. i'm still trying to recover. depressing movie, bad news, brain cells revolting.. not a good thing.

so, i'll go enjoy the silence some more.

bye.

Posted by brooke at 07.45.26 PM

better day.

its a better day. i called randy when i woke up at 9 this morning. we're getting together tommorrow afternoon. then i headed over to rayo's for a cuddle. i picked up a button at mother kali's, and i got some donuts. i finished watching robin williams and laughed more.

Posted by brooke at 02.45.10 PM

late night ramblings

so, its late at night. i fell asleep, i dunno when.

i went to the peace vigil that happens every wednesday and i didn't feel better.

i bought the new robin williams dvd. i love robin williams. i'll watch regis and kelly if i hear he's gonna be on i love him so much. i popped it in, i sat back watched, and thought, good goddess i never realized he was so offensive!

i've reached out and left a message on miriam's message machine, and talked to randy.

i made the decision to go to the peace action that rooting out evil is having, if it happens along the border over on this side of canada and the us too. thus, my birthday is cancelled.

none of that has helped.

called my doc. she said to put one foot in front of the other. thats what she always says. she also said that if i want to just sleep the next few days that i can.

but i hope i don't, because the against patriarchy conference is this weekend, and i'd like to get a schedule and maybe try to go to one or two workshops. but being that the thought of making a quick trip to the red apple to get some milk and something terribly sweet to put in my stomach (sugar is my recreational drug of choice) was overwhelming i don't see myself making it.

maybe i'll try to call rayo in the morning. we cancelled going to the hot springs. me because i feel like shit, him cause of the rain. i should see if he's up for a cuddle.

the doc also said to keep calling my friends. even though i'm hurt that none of them have called me in a long time. she said that didn't matter. yep. thats my doc. love the doc.

Posted by brooke at 02.35.13 AM

January 22, 2003
news she didn't want to give me.

okay, here's the story. the drug mifepristone, more commonly known as ru-486,, even more commonly known as the abortion drug, is now being shown to work in treating a variety of diseases, two of which are severe and psychotic depression. i suffer from severe depression.

last week i went in to my doctor. the bad news she gave me was that there wasn't much else she could do for me. i had recently read in ms. that there was a study being done at standford, but also that doctors might be able to get a hold of the drug through the feminist majority foundation. i mentioned this to my doctor and brought in a copy of the article, hoping that we could get a hold of the drug for me.

a week later. she tells me we can't get a hold of the drug. she didn't call the fmf but she talked to some of her friends-- my doctor is a pro-choice activist-- and they told her that the drug was so highly regulated that you had to call the company to get a hold of it for any off label use, and with a study going on for depression there was no way she was going to be able to get it for me. (can't do a study, to high a risk of me getting a placebo and that is way bad news.)

see, with any other fda approved drug and off label use there's no problem. doctors do it all the time. in fact i'm sure the vast majority of you have gotten a drug from your doctor and used it for a reason not under the original reason approved by the fda. but because this drug was approved as the abortion drug all the right wingers have decided to fuck with it and not let free use of it. so those people like me who could benefit from it have to suffer because of morality not chosen by us.

and yes, i suffer. this damn illness, i suffer.

and my doctor today. my gift of a doctor. oh, i never thought i'd say that about a doctor. but dr. c, she is a gift too me, she didn't like telling me this. i know she didn't, and i didn't blame her. instead i blame our government.

and i've written a note to my doctor telling her that if the group she works with in her activism wants to use me as a face and a name in their materials to help get the government to lay off ru-486 they'd be more than welcome. and i'll be calling my senators, that pissant gordon smith, and ron wyden, and my house dude- peter defazio, and maybe even trying to speak with them personally. i want all of them to put a face to what this government has done. and luckily i'm a face that they like. white, middle class, and educated (i'll leave out the lesbian part). i'm even gonna find out the name of the manufacturer of ru-486 and call the president.

but right now i'm gonna cry. and i'll do that for i don't know how many days. because right now i feel like shit. i've felt like shit for a couple of days now.

Posted by brooke at 02.26.50 PM

January 21, 2003
the hours

i just saw the movie "the hours." i'm pretty much speechless, except for one thing. it hit a bit too close to home.

Posted by brooke at 04.39.11 PM

its mine.

okay. more self-centered news. this time it wasn't as much of a pain in the ass.. and i actually got to talk to a nice person on the phone. and at first i was only going to go for 3 years, but the sales tactic worked. who knows what my situation will be like. and i'm in love. and i don't want anyone to get their sticky hands on whats mine. yes, i'm talking about rivervision.com. 5 years. i've already had it for 4. its all mine. at least thats what register.com says. they'd better not be dicking around with me.

okay, gotta jet.

Posted by brooke at 09.25.02 AM

January 20, 2003
mlk, jr. 2003

emmett till, 14 years old, killed august 28, 1955.. 100 days later rosa parks refuses to sit in the back of the bus.

see, these are 2 of the many reasons why we must celebrate martin luther king, jr's birthday. we not only celebrate the man, but the movement. we have a day to look back and forward.

we also look around.

i spent one mlk,jr. day at the eugene human rights commission celebration. i got an award for being one of many hometown heros for my work on defeating an anti-gay initiative on the oregon ballot. at that same celebration marla runyan was honored for placing 8th in her race at the sydney olympics and for being the first legally blind person to ever race in a non-paraolympics.

martin luther king, jr. knew that the fight for civil rights was not just about fighting racism, he knew it was about much more. he was one of the first leaders to come out against the war in vietnam. and coretta scott king, i saw her speak in 1995 at the 25th anniversary of atlanta's gay pride celebration.

so today is important. the civil rights movement that martin luther king, jr. is the symbolic head of has a long way to go. but its nice to be able to take a day off, reflect, and pat ourselves on the back for the job we've done so far.

Posted by brooke at 10.05.48 PM

maybe this year will be better, at least vacation wise..

i go to greece for 2 weeks.

then my mom and my stepfather are treating us to a week at the beach in nags head, north carolina-- where the ocean is actually warm enough to swim in-- and i don't even have to pay for my plane ticket. we're staying in this house. yes. i am spoiled.

and yes, i know it is mlk's birthday. and no, i haven't said anything about it yet. i need to be in the mood. right now i'm talking about my vacations.

after my mother and stepfather spoil me i'm gonna go north and no doubt a a certain dog will spoil me with kisses.

as far as i can tell the only place missing from this vacation equation is, well.. the middle of the country.

should i act like my normal self and be all humble, or should i act like i deserve it and let them treat me like the queen that i am? hahahahahahahaha

Posted by brooke at 04.03.16 PM

do i let myself get excited?

over the last couple of months i've forced myself to get over being excited about my trip to greece. but now its actually in sight. i'm not sure if i can get excited yet. my campaign to get myself in shape has failed miserably. and the drug that i'm taking to help me loose weight has failed miserably too. and i sit and question if i will still be able to have a good time.

today i made the last travel arrangements needed to be made for in the us. and i talked to a travel agent about whether she thought i needed to make arrangments ahead of time for travel in greece. she said i probably didn't. i probably will, at least for the first couple of days.

and now, now as i look down that tunnel, and yet see myself as a failure.. its a big question. i have these tickets in hand. its a big test for the years of therapy with k.

okay. i need to put my train tickets away, and maybe actually get the kitchen clean, like i've been saying for 2 weeks, so maybe i can actually fix a healthy meal or two.

bye.

Posted by brooke at 02.50.08 PM