December 27, 2002
peacinating.

i'm procrastinating. i need to be cleaning. i'm in the 7th hour. isn't that the cliche? i need to do this. now. but i'm sitting here writing in my weblog.

i spent last night reading. reading news articles. reading commentary. this was after i talked to a friend who has another friend who was supposed to be on leave from the army until the end of january. her friend has to go back january 3rd. even an idiot can tell you why that is.

"Love can never flow from the barrel of a gun, no matter how righteous our cause."

i found that in an article written by ira chemus. the article is titled thank you christians, for your gifts. its about martin luther king and how he used non violent means to accomplish his mission. it is an excellent article.

the us is preparing to send 90, 000 troops to turkey

i started off reading this article about how the real battle is in turkey. and then i got sent over to this article about the military build up in turkey and lastly i went to this map of turkey to see how close i'd be to it all. and you can see, the island between bergama and erdemit on the left of the screen, thats lesvos. i was comforted. its close, but not as close as i thought. but it hit home. war is close. and i want to go, not to fight, but to comfort the innocents.

"At the one-month memorial ceremony, there was no focus on the victims. Instead, Bush and Rumsfeld and others talked about extending accountability to others, and I am thinking that they are talking about killing people just like my brother. They are talking about extending it to other innocent people, to nations and the people who live in those nations."

thus said by ryan admunson, the brother of one who was killed on september 11th. i found this in my readings too. this time no further than my own local paper. a collective goal: its time for a different set of solutions.

and finally.

"Voices that preach peace must never fall silent. They need to speak so loudly that they drown out those who clamor for war. Even if our species is not yet ready to end war, we must always be prepared to create a climate for peace."

this was said by ruth rosen in an article titled world without war?. i found it at common dreams, it originated at the san francisco chronicle. she provides excellent commentary on how we evolved beyond slavery and applies this to evolution beyond war.

and now, now i must get to the duties at hand for the day.

Posted by brooke at 12.11.22 PM

December 26, 2002
i' m never ever..

i am never ever going to look up people i once new from blacksburg ever again. i just did, and it was a slap in the face.

i have to do these affirmations to myself. cause that person is so successful and all this shit, and here i am on disability.

but then i say to myself, "olympic trials. did she race in an olympic trials? no." okay then." "and you do have a serious illness. and you don't know what you want to do with your life. but you didn't flunk out of college. you have a masters degree, from a top program. and you did it *all* while dealing with this illness, which is real."

i have to remind myself that this is just a bump in the road. that going to greece could very well open a lot of doors. that i could find something new there. and if i don't, i'll just continue to look for doors. i have to continue to remind myself that my illness is serious. that this woman i looked up probably did not deal with it. i have to remind myself that i am not a failure. i know randy would tell me that. she would. if she were awake right now.

and because i'm petty. and yes, i am very petty. and i know it. and y'all will hate me because i'm so petty. but i do tell myself that there are people that i know who's lives are failures. and people i don't know who's lives are failures. and mine is not. this is just a stumbling block. and it *is* one that i am stumbling over quite gracefully, as gracefully as one can. it could have been played out a lot more gruesomely. i could have had a lot less impluse control. i could have been labled "psycho" by a lot of people. yes, i have handled this *pretty* gracefully. i think randy would tell me that too, again- if she were awake right now. and i think she's told me that before.

i will be the success i want to be at some point. i don't know what that will look like right now. and yes, it is driving me nuts. cause i hate things i can't see. but someday all this will be behind me. and i will continue on the tracks i have already laid out. this is just a bit of a side trip.

i think its about time that i get mom to send that olympic trials certificate and its also about time that i frame my masters diploma, if not both of them.

oh, and i also need to come back and read this post on a regular basis.

oh, and that person i was talking to the other day about affirmations... this would be one big one.

Posted by brooke at 12.07.39 PM

andy kaufman

jerry lawler: kaufman fight was a set-up.

andy kaufman, the guy who played the romanian guy in the tv show taxi, did some inter-gender wrestling.. then he wrestled this guy jerry lawler. well.. this article says that the secret that it was a set up has been kept since this book was published. umm.. i knew about it when i watched the movie "man on the moon".. the movie about andy kaufman's life.

Posted by brooke at 09.49.38 AM

December 25, 2002
christmas morning

its christmas morning. a sweet friend called me to say hi first thing. luckily i was in the thinking processes of waking up, cause even though my family isn't around i still had a box of presents to open, care of my ma.

and girl oh girl did i have a box. nothing big, but a bunch of things right on the mark. 3 gifts from ethiopia. well, one of those imported to ethiopia from kenya. a really cool fleece jesters hat. slippers, a wall calendar, a desk calendar of pics of greece, candles and an incence burner, socks and a pair of whale slippers! some wonderful soap from our friends who live in england. a friend of mine even got something (that needs to be sent along to her)! and the cats, yes the cats got something..

see how much smudge loves his present?

my mom knows me well. i would have loved something electronic, the love that was put into these gifts, well, dammit electronic is greedy, the love is more important. and i must admit having all this stuff from ethiopia is just plain cool. 2 braclets and a hat from there. plus i already have some necklaces, a small rug, and a kitchen set. yeah, thats way cool.

and so now i leave you with my normal christmas blog greeting.. which, unfortunately, has been terribly appropriate last christmas and this christmas, hopefully next christmas all this war stuff will be done with. i can hope.

happy xmas (war is over)
by john lennon

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

{Refrain}
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas       War is over
For weak and for strong       If you want it
For rich and the poor ones       War is over
The world is so wrong       Now
And so happy Christmas       War is over
For black and for white       If you want it
For yellow and red ones       Now
Let's stop all the fight       War is over

{Refrain}

And so this is Christmas       War is over
And what have we done       If you want it
Another year over     War is over
And a new one just begun     Now
And so happy Christmas     War is over
I hope you have fun     If you want it
The near and the dear one     War is over
The old and the young     Now

{Refrain}

War is over if you want it
War is over now

Posted by brooke at 09.49.01 AM

December 24, 2002
broken heart

got a letter from the nursery today. they don't need me anymore. to many practicum students. i think my heart is broken. the day before christmas. and my heart was already broken. now the pieces are just smaller.

*and* before that, randy's crazy ex-gf called here ranting and raving about the situation, blaming it all on me. apparently i'm just one person on her warpath, granted the top, but just one. that didn't help the spirits either. i feel sorry for randy's ex. i really do. she's crazy and she doesn't know it. it helps to be crazy and know it. its frustrating, but it helps. to be labled a psycho by those around you and not know why is a bad thing. if you know why you are crazy you can work on fixing it. but though i feel sorry for her, she still has pissed the hell out of me, and being that i got the nursery news second i'm tempted to pull psycho on her and call her up and yell at her. just cause i'm hurt, and i can make hurt pissy really easily.

but i can try to look on the bright side of things. maybe i can pay off my library fines and we've got a brand new library opening up on the 26th, so then i could read lots and hang out there. and i could really be able to workout full time to get myself ready for the greece trip. and i could also focus on learning some greek, and i had a friend mention maybe setting up a cafe press store so i could do that, and i could get my apartment cleaned up.

the other brighter side is that i'm in the process of getting things worked out with someone that i'd been needing too for a couple of weeks, just in the nick of time, because i'm going to need her support.

but still, i can't deny, my heart is broken. but i'll deal. i always do. i'll just try to avoid driving that way.

and for tonight i've got a pizza, some alcohol and a box of chocolates. and tommorrow a box of presents. *and* the knowledge that i have a mother and father and brother who all love me very much, even though i won't see them tommorrow (though i did dream last night i talked to my mother). i also have perry and marsha who love me, and a group of good friends who also love me. i also have a doctor and a therapist who are very dedicated to seeing me get well. yes, i am a very blessed person. i know this. i do know this.

Posted by brooke at 05.32.43 PM

crappy night last night, and yes some christmas joy

i had a crappy night last night, and well, waking up this morning hasn't been a cake walk. my doctor upped the topamax, she doubled it. 100mg to 200mg. in the past it has given me heartburn, and this time it hasn't.. well.. last night the heartburn kicked in. big time. in the middle of the night last night i got up and drank some milk and had to kick the cats out of bed, cause i felt so awful i didn't want anyone touching me.

i still feel crappy. i can't call my dr about it. i know she's got someone on call, but i refuse to talk to them.. call me a prima dona, but i don't want to have to explain anything to anyone. if i get really desperate i'll go talk to the friendly pharmacist who is a friend of my dr. i probably went up too fast, but 125 mg didn't bother me and 150 mg didn't bother me.

and this morning with a headache and i'm all flushed. i've decided i'm not going to go swimming in this condition. and i'm going to do my best not to feel guilty about it. i'll clean around here today instead. and go to the post office. i'm hoping the post office won't be too crowded, i'm assuming the christmas rush is over. i need to get a haircut cause the hairs on the back of my head are starting to drive me crazy, the way they rub against my neck, but i'm too lazy to do that today. no, i just think i'll hang out here and hopefully clean. and faith is having a chat tonight, so i think i'll go hang out there.

i did get 2 very touching emails in my box this morning. one in the form of a comment and one in the form of an email. its amazing that i go about my business and i don't realize that i'm affecting other peoples lives as they are affecting mine. its a wondeful thing to hear. it makes my heart warm up. i'm gonna call it christmas joy.

and on that note i need to break out the milk.

Posted by brooke at 11.11.41 AM

December 22, 2002
late night ramblings

mom made it to addis.

dad is in bangkok and he's about to earn 2 certificates in thai massage. *and* he misses me.

finally. a lisa-ism i'd not heard before, courtesy of faith...noodle-dick-bug-fucker. now thats a good one. next time i need to swear on something really big i'm gonna try to use that one, and it's gotta be for a big one, cause that one is deserving of something really really huge.. and its meant to be yelled loud and for lots of people to hear it and for all those people to be stopped dead in their tracks. just gotta make sure that place isn't the relief nursery. gotta be careful around those little ones just learning to talk.. can't have any leetle voices going home saying "noodle-dick-bug-fucker" when their parent(s) ask them what they learned at school that day.

Posted by brooke at 11.56.48 PM

randy.

sunday afternoon. i'm bored. i need to be cleaning. i just had a fun conversation with my dear friend randy though. she's busy working, so we just talked on the phone for a bit about a crazy ex-gf of hers. and her little kitten who is starting to be less afraid of her.

i consider randy my best friend in town. we met, hmm.. 2 years ago? 3 years ago? i'm not sure when our friendship started to blossom, but i'm glad it did. she puts up with all my insecurities and my craziness. she comes into my apartment and tells me that her place gets like mine does too. she holds my hand through lots of stuff.

and. she lets me hold her and through stuff too. she tells me that she's glad i was there through her most recent break up. that i was making sense about the things i was saying. that my reassurance is helpful. that i said the exact thing she needed to hear. recently she had a problem with her apartment. i told her she wasn't going to go through it alone, that we were going to go through this together, cause thats what friends do. and i ment it. and she appreciated it, and i felt needed. and i was grateful then to have her. cause i need to feel needed, and i need to know that i can be there for someone along with them being able to be there for me. it has to be a two way street.

randy is wonderful. i don't have many friends. thats just the way i am. but the ones i do have i'm pretty tight with. i'm glad that i can count her among the few.

Posted by brooke at 04.10.47 PM