she is a lesbian, radical feminist, cat lover, bibliophile, non-smoker, unitarian universalist (though she doesn't go to fellowship on a regular basis) and in the process of becoming athletic again. she dreams of being jeanne d' arc and swooping in and saving those that need saved (though she'd rather not be burned at the stake). she is a loyal friend who will do anything she can for those she loves, but she can flakey sometimes when her depression flares up. she is a loner. a southerner self-transplanted to the pacific northwest in 1998 and now believes that it doesn't rain enough here. she's known for her honesty, she can't help it, its the only way to be. she is 4'8" tall, and round. she has natural blonde hair and she also has blue eyes. she is very intense. she hates small and large crowds, she prefers the one on one or the one on a few. she has no idea what she wants to do with her life, though she would like to see more of the world than what she has seen so far (a good part of the continental united states) and she very much wants to be a mother. finally, she has huge crushes on alix olson and carolyn gage (these are from a far).

my uncle tom arranged for me to fly home. i'm really not wanting to travel right now.

anyhow. i'm not all that together. this day has been lots of tears. i also went to the women in black vigil. tommorrow i'm going to talk to the oregon country fair folks about using their land for our peace action. i've let 2 of the women who want to help organize know that i'll be out of town. i still can't believe all this has happened. this is the most unreal thing i've ever gone through.

someone is going to pick me up at the airport on wednesday. not sure who. an aunt or uncle. i can't wait to see them. i'm stressed about the travel, but i can't wait to see them. i can't wait to see my aunt susie esp.

once i get there i'm gonna be strong. all of us who are coming are really there to support the siblings-- my father, uncle and aunt, cause they are at the front of this. first came my grandparents, then came harry and susie and tom, and then they brought the rest of us along. so, i'll be strong for them.

my mom, yes she's been divorced from this family for 24, 25, 26 years, but she is going to try to come down. she stayed close. i'm lucky. in fact baba and grandad (my father's parents) went to gammy and gepa's (my mothers parents) 50th wedding anniversary. i hope my mom is able to come down.

my perry and marsha live only an hour and a half away. i hope someone can lend me a car so i can dash up there and see them. perry said they might even consider coming down.

this is all such a weird thing.

my patience for the cats is nothing. i can't take the cold noses, the constant growling of max at smudge, ava's constant need to be on me.

my illness is bad, i'm stressed about greece, and this. i borrowed a book from my doc, i can't find it. i want to take it with me-- on death and dying by elisabeth kubler ross. plus its my doc's book and i need her energy with me. yes, i am very dependent on my doc and she knows it and she says its fine right now.

i also can't find either of my hats. i need my hats, but they are no where to be found. i don't like this. no, i don't like any of this.

but i do have clothes picked out. this is better than my grandfather's funeral.. i had an ugly red dress for this new body of mine. now i've got a nice green flowered dress, a black shirt with flowers on it to wear as a sweater, and i've got black tights. i'll also wear my birkenstocks and maybe a piece of jewelry from eithopia. yes, i feel much more prepared, much better.

and i've got this laptop now. i'll have a machine. this is good. i'll have the comfort of my computer, and a friend sent a beautiful apple icard. i'll have that with me. the comfort in digital.

mom said to bring the scrapbook she made me. i'll be doing that. i showed my doctor today, she really liked it. i'm gonna share it with my therapist tommorrow.

i need to find my docs book, my hat, and put all my clothes together. plus i might take out some cash to get it exchanged into euros at the portland airport.

i see my therapist first thing. i don't know what i'll do after that. maybe i'll go to the vigil in springfield tommorrow. it will give me something to do, time to focus on. but i have to leave my house at 4.30am on wednesday morning to get to the airport in portland. i could go up and stay in portland, but i need to be at home for as long as possible.

now if only i could find dr c's book, i'd feel so much better about leaving. its the comfort. later: i found dr c's book. i feel a bit better now. i am very likely to stop by her office for a hug tommorrow.