September 20, 2002
agh..

so. hmm...

i've crashed again. i predicted it was coming last week. my therapist always hates it when i predict crashes. she says it will happen if i predict it. i simply say i'm catching it.

so, my personal life is being caught up in this crash. and today i talked to my marsha about it all.

oh goodness.. this is so hard to talk about in a public forum. i want to write about it, but this is public, and people read it, people in my personal life read it. so how to write about it all?

hmm... i want to have a relationship with person a. re: a lover relationship with person a. i don't want to have a lover relationship with person b. and person b doesn't want to have a lover relationship with me either. but in so many ways for me person b is much more comfortable for me than person a. i know the parameters in which she moves about, i'm more comfortable with women who fall into the category of women that women that person b falls into. are you following? i've never been comfortable with the group of people that person a falls into, but i'm desperately trying, because i really like her.

but see.. so there it is mysteriously spelled out and on top of all that i'm crashed, hovering near the bottom and because of the way i'm acting, at this point i'm not even sure if person a wants to have a realtionship with me anymore.

and on top of all that i'm also dealing with other things about being on disalibity and other personal shit that i'm not about to go into in this public forum.

i guess this is all good for me. i'm being pushed out of comfort zones. i'm being pushed into new territories. i'm being pushed into old territories and i'm seeing it coming, and others are seeing it. and hopefully i'll learn a lot of new things from it all, ya know? and hopefully there will be no bodies left behind. hopefully what will end up being is strong relationships with both person a and person b, relationships where all 3 of us feel comfortable in the push and pull that goes on. equal loving relationships.

so, i think thats all i'll say. i have to be up early in the morning. i thought i was walking in the eugene celebration parade tommorrow, but i never heard the where and when of meeting, so i'm just watching. hopefully i'll run into miriam and her friend c.. i've crashed and i could really use a hug from her, she gives some of the best hugs i've had in a while. i'm picking up liz between 6.45 and 7, the parade starts at 8. i've got my camera ready to take pictures. so, i'll be taking pictures of the nursery and pflag, and some other interesting floats.

so, on that note, i'm outta here.

Posted by brooke at 09.50.09 PM

September 19, 2002
war is menstruation envy

"war is menstuation envy" ~t.c."

fuck. doesn't bush get it? doesn't everyone who supports war get it? you bomb them, they get pissed off, they bomb us. eventually we all stop bombing each other, but in the end nothing is solved, because what is left is people who still hate each other.

there is no way in hell we are going to solve the "war on terrorism" by bombing iraq. in fact, i'm sure that we are only going to screw over ourselves even more, because we're going to piss off a whole lot of militant people who hate us. i can't believe that anyone who supports us going to war with iraq doesn't get that.

we've pissed people off. there is a reason why what happened then happened. there are reasons why we are hated. and if we kill innocent people--- which is inevtiable in war-- we are only going to continue to be hated. we are only going to continue the cycle of hate between THEM and US. no, i don't consider myself included in the US, because i don't hate the THEM.

actually, to be honest, its the US that i dislike far more than i'd ever hate the THEM.. i commune with the US everyday, and so i see the ignorance all around me. in fact, the other day i discovered that i'm related to someone who could be put into the US category, to a small point. so, yeah. i dislike the US because i see it, and i hear it and it simply baffles me.. and the US well, i'm supposed to be included in that US and i don't wanna be included in that US. and i get accusations thrown at me on a regular basis because i don't want to be included in the US in their context, i have defined my own context of US. a lot of people don't like *my* context of US, or they don't get it, or they don't want to sit back and listen, or they just don't want to think that much.. they are enjoying being brainless as usual and yet getting to be activists finally by putting an american flag in the back of their car (and the usual question is-- by people in my context of US-- was it there before? the answer is 99% of the time, no).

so, war. it just continues the cycle of hate and violence. and we live in a different world now. one that is global. bush wants a global economy, yes? but he doesn't seem to want a global humanity. in fact, all of those patriarchs don't want a global humanity. in fact, so many people don't want a global humanity. people don't want to break out of their old thinking of US and THEM, its too fucking hard. well, live a day in my shoes--- a day when i'm crashed and on the bottom-- and then tell me that breaking out of the US and THEM thinking is too hard, okay?

because global humanity is the direction in which we HAVE to move if we are to survive. if we don't, we're screwed. and do we want some mouse like human being who thinks with his penis and doesn't believe in the rights of all people in this world to destroy us? because he will. he wants too. he went up in front of congress today to try too. he's going around the world, saying that he represents ALL OF US-- well, all of us, those of us who live in the usa-- saying that WE want war, that WE don't care about global humanity.

and as dan rather just said... and "and thats part of our world tonight.."

Posted by brooke at 05.59.01 PM

September 15, 2002
its just me

can't sleep tonight. i think i'm getting sick. i hope not. but my head is hot and my skin is all sensitive and shit. i don't know whats up. all i personally care about is not having to miss my weekly massage therapy appointment with miriam, my massage therapist.

might sound like i'm spoiled, maybe i am? but remember, i'm seriously crazy too. i got some heavy shit going on in my head. well, so do a lot of y'all, and y'all don't have weekly massage appointments. i don't care. all i care about is not being sick on wednesday so i don't have to miss my appointment.

and like i've said before, its not just about the massage, it's also about miriam. i really like her and her energy. we click together. last week she was able to detect that i wasn't fully there, she said something along the lines of "what's going on?" at some point, so i told her. and we worked out a solution. she was able to feel it and i wasn't talking. and she was also able to pick up which shoulder was feeling the worst. it was my right one last week, as i'd been holding babies with it, hoping to not bother the already bothered left one, which, as my dad predicted, just brough out pain in the right one. so, yes, dad was right, both shoulders are fucked up in some way.

so, see. she's quite in tune with my body. and me. and as she's working on me i think. i let my mind free form itself... and then i have talk therapy the next day-- just by coinsidence-- where i'm able to ground out what my mind free formed the night before. my talk therapist and i both agree that the two -- the touch (aka massage ) therapy and talk therapy --- are very complimentary of each other.

so, i'm sitting up, not doing myself a bit of good, worried about being sick on wednesday. a situation i can't control. i guess i should be more worried about monday, eh? and the fitting at the dentist for the crown, and the working with the kids in the morning. i'm not stressed about the drs appt, cause she sees sick people all the time.

anyhow, i've not been physically sick in forever, except for hormones. so. i'll just play this one by ear.

and on that note, i'll shut up and attempt to go to sleep.

Posted by brooke at 02.19.12 AM