September 11, 2002
September 11, 2002

it's been a year... and i'm not sure what to put here.

peace. thats what i want to put here. peace is what i believe in. its what i've always believed in.

i've been thinking about my childhood / teenagehood lately. funny, i found one of my first buttons i ever bought the other day. its a button with a gun wrapped in green vine and the word "peace" in several languages in a circle around the image.

i've always believed in the notion of do unto others as you would have them do unto you.. isn't that printed in some holy book? i don't know, i haven't read many holy books.. but i'm pretty sure you could find that in one called.... the bible. i mean really. do unto others as you would have them do unto you. i've also believed that violence does not beget peace. i've believed both notions all my life.

so. its a year later and for the past number of days the word > peace < has been in my head.. pounding in my head. repeating in my head. wanting to come out. peace peace peace peace peace PEACE PEACE PEACE PEACE.

and i don't want to critisize today. but somehow i feel like we've not learned the lesson. we've not learned the biggest and greatest lesson that we should have learned from that day. in fact, i know we haven't learned that lesson from that day. we haven't learned peace.

we are just as violent as we were on that day. we are all in fear. innocent people an ocean away are in fear. innocent people an ocean away were in fear, and continue to be in fear.... of us.

peace. and humanity.

didn't we learn anything? why do we want to put other people through what *we* went through? what we are going through? what in our hearts makes us want to do that? are humans that inherintly that uncaring about people who are far away from us? are humans that uncaring that we want to continue the suffering?

i don't understand it. it makes me want to cry. the inhumanity, the unpeacefullness, the uncaring.

i don't want anyone in any other country to go through what my friends in new york city have gone through. no, i don't want them to suffer. i don't care who they are, but they are human and i don't want the suffering to continue.

so. i'm a bit distracted, as usual. and what i originally sat down here to do, quote gandhi, was not what i did. but thats what i do here.

i hope that everyone finds peace on this day. i hope that my friends, that one in particular--- you know who you are-- finds some peace today.

i hope that one day we can all find the peace in our hearts and be able to extend it out to those across the seas and be able to learn how to do it without making the suffering continue.

because suffering equals pain. and pain sucks.

Posted by brooke at 12.06.18 AM

September 09, 2002
a day.

its been a day.

i actually have something what insurance would call physically wrong with me! i don't have to take any drugs.. well, i could take some ibuprofen, but when my dr suggested that i said "NO MORE DRUGS!!!" i've got a repetitive stress injury in my left shoulder. caused by? my cellphone? my backpack? typing? who knows.. all i know is that it hurts not all the time and i have full range of motion. it mainly hurts when i drive, sometimes when i type.. occasionally when i'm in bed. *and* its not psychosomatic.. its been confirmed by *2* different kinds of professionals. an lmt and an md! unfortunately both have had to hurt me while dealing with it, and with the md i was not relaxed on a table with nice smells and nice music playing so that i could relax through the pain. but its not a big deal. and the prescription is to strengthen my rhombiods (back muscles), and stretch them too. also, to ice my shoulder. and, though she didn't say it, to continue with the massage therapy. it was interesting to look at dear dr c's (see, i give her a hard time when i'm at her office, and i'm not sure how much she believes me that i do adore her as much as i do, so i'll be referring to her as "dear dr. c" more than usual these days) muscle book and which muscles that are bothering me.

tommorrow -- tuesday -- is an hour long orientation at the relief nursery, and then over for a visit with c and r, who i haven't seen in forever. wed is my first shift with the babies. concerned about the shoulder, and the weakness that has continued to follow me. not sure how i'll be able to do it, holding those babies.. but its 3 hours, and i'll pull it off some how. i can't wait. i'm a bit nervous. i'm used to being on my own and / or the lead.. i'm not used to being an assistant. i'm going to tell the lead teacher and that if i cross any boundaries that i shouldn't, to let me know. but i shouldn't have to worry as this will be my first experience with children at risk, and i don't know much about them. i just want to love them and help them.

wednesday ends with a massage. one thing i *can* say is that i have successfully turned *yet* another person on to alix olson. and she's only heard half the cd :) now, if only she'll get to carolyn gage. i'm a bit more interested about what she'll think about carolyn gage than alix olson... cause everyone seems to adore alix. but carolyn, no one has read her.. for some reason its easier to turn people on to sound than word. but i'm also about to send carolyn off to two others who i hope will appreciate her at least half as much as i do. i know there are a lot of people out there who appreciate carolyn, just not enough in my circle of people.

oh, and one last thing.. i might be taking on a small web project for someone interesting. for me it really is the subject matter. give me boring subject matter and my passion for the work goes out the window. so, i'm excited about it. actually, i might be taking on two projects if i can convince the other person to let me. i've told her i've got the design in my head and that it could help her out if its all done properly and such. so.. two easy small projects, subject matter that i enjoy a lot, always helps the mood. and the greatest thing is that through both or just the one, i'll be able to give back to someone who has given me so much.

and on that note, its bedtime, or attempted bed time.

btw, i'm tired of 9-11.

Posted by brooke at 10.28.17 PM

September 08, 2002
oh my goddess, its the episode

i remember awhile back patti mentioning an episode of law and order taking liberties with, but very obviously basing a story on kaycee.. i wished i'd seen it back then. its on right now. this is simply amazing.

some of you know what i'm talking about, others of you don't. but its a bit of dejavu for me.

Posted by brooke at 09.45.32 PM

i am not happy about this

been a way freakin' crappy day. do all sorts of things to deal with it. go through my list of things to comfort myself. attempt to work on a piece i need to send to someone, write a note about the lack of women's sports coverage to a tv news station, take a bath, laugh at the kitties, go for a walk, write, watch tv, attempt to read.. yeah yeah yeah.. call my list of people i feel i can call in moments like this.. but nothing.

so, i do the call of last resort and call dr c. dr c. says "fix some supper, take your meds and go to sleep." this was at 4.30pm. i am still wide awake. i have now taken 5mg of my sleeping meds, aka xanax, which will be switched to amittryptiline on monday, and nothing. and now its 1.36am in the morning and i'm still awake. oh and did i mention, now i've got the fucking hiccups. i am not happy and things are only going downhill from here.

i've got a call into my other person of last resort, hopefully she'll call me back in the morning. and i fear i might have to resort to the last person of last resort. (i've got 3 now). we'll see. i hope not. but this is not good.

have i mentioned lately how much i absolutely hate this fucking disese?

Posted by brooke at 01.39.21 AM