August 30, 2002
it's been a week

it's been a hectic week. a week to hectic for me i think. not i think, i know. i've been seemingly busy all day, and into the late night. i had appointments every day this week but monday. and before my appointments i would run around running the errands that keep coming up, seemingly out of nowhere. today, i had nothing, so i thought i could head home after therapy at 11... quick stop by and make september appointments with my massage therapist (she's in the same building as my therapist), and then head home. no such fucking luck. forgot my phone k's treatment room. so i ran home, just to make sure, and then back to her office where i had to wait for nearly an hour and a half for her to finally finish to get it back. yeah, that was fun :(.

now i have to do a bunch of stuff i don't want to do, i don't have the energy to do. and i'm not feeling well at all. yeah, yeah, i should just suck it up and deal with it, but things are taking a very quick turn downwards, being that i'm going off this drug and i've got to get it all out of my system before i start another.. so its not like i get to ease off one and ease on the other.. it means instead that i get to crash all the way down first.

last night i got all of 4 hours of sleep. the night before, 5.5. i'm used to 8-10. ha! thats why m thinks i'm so quiet when i'm on her table.. she thinks i'm relaxing and meditating.. actually what i'm doing is getting to that point of almost sleep. if she'd stop touching me, i'd just fall asleep! but thats the point of massage, is that someone touches you.

maybe next week will be easier. though i've got as many appointments. dentist, massage, doctor and therapist. but they don't start until wednesday instead of tuesday. dentist appointment at 10.45am, massage at 7.00pm on wednesday. and then thurs and fri with k and dr c.

the dentist should be fun. its another one of those "we'll numb you by sticking a big ol needle really far into your gum." remember i'm a masochist, right? good thing i am. hopefully it'll be like last time where it didn't hurt at all after all was said and done, except for where the needle went, so m can do the neck / head work she does during my massage.

anyhow, i'm tired. i'm really tired. maybe i'll just take a xanax and put myself out for the night. thats on my list of comfort things. i have a list. list of things to do to comfort myself and if all else fails i get to fall back on that that i know will work.

and thats enough moaning. oh wait, maybe its not moaning. remember brooke? your're really fucking depressed. as says 2 psychiatrists, 2 psyhiatric mental health nurse practitioners, one family practitioner with a seeming to be speciality in depression, and one lisensed psychologist.

Posted by brooke at 07.10.14 PM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

see, now the whole world, well, the whole world that reads this blog knows its your birthday. yeah yeah, don't make a big deal. well, i could make an even bigger deal about it, like calling up andrea and amy and matt and zack and dad and telling them. and i could even make a bigger deal by emailing susie and charlie and janet/ tom/ emma / ben and kathy and jim and lynda and zack and meg and letting them all too. and NAH NAH NAH, thats EXACTLY what i did. so tough luck :)

its your birthday. and 59 years ago you were brought into this world. and you brought zack into the world and you brought me into this world (with dad's help of course). so, without you, we wouldn't be here. so, i make somewhat of a deal, because not only did you just bring us into the world, but you did a pretty good job in doing so.

i can only speak for me.. but if you can raise a womyn who has the strength to accept her lesbianism-- and scream it from the rooftops so that everyone she knows will know they know a dyke--, to look at this world from a radical feminist point of view, to suffer from a disease as bad as mine is, to move 3000 miles away from all that she knows, to be as radically liberal political in all spectrums but also be able to see the other side, to know that what humanity is really about is respect, even though i feel like i get the short end of the deal at times--- and then when i'm getting that short end of the deal to stick up for it, to be able to work to understand you (mom) and understand that even though we are so different we are in the end simiiliar, then you did a pretty fucking good job.

so, its your birthday. and you just have to deal with the fact that i'm making a point to tell the whole world.... ...... that reads this blog.

IT IS MY MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY

and this world is that much better for having her in it.

ps. if you wanna, you can send her an email. her email addy is dyardley@vt.edu.

:)

Posted by brooke at 10.03.08 AM

flowers, not for algernon, but for brooke

i got a lot done today. i was amazed at how much i was able to get done between the time i got up (11am) and the time i was due at m my massage therapist's office. i got things sent to south carolina (FRAGILE, DON'T BEND, and i wish i could have put "DON'T EXPOSE TO HEAT!" (its chocolate)), rebate stuff sent in, the juror information sheet i got yesterday with the summons to duty-- along with the drs. note about why i can't serve (this person with severe depression cannot expect to be able to sit long periods of time, nor can i have to worry about having to call in about whether i have to be there that day due to various appts, and finally, if i were to get chosen for a jury i would not be able to concentrate long enough, and by the time deliberations came around, i'd have forgotten *every fucking thing said*.... though i think for someone healthy it is important to do jury duty and would love to when / if i get better), also to kinko's to print out the article from yesterday (that i gutsily gave to m.. oh goodness.. i hope she likes it, understands that it comes from the heart. tuesday, i see her tuesday, i'll hear then.. or tommorrow before i head to k's office i'm going to call her and schedule out september).. a stop by to join OUR credit union, which is completley local and ment for people who are poor (you qualify by having dealt with a health and human services agency within the last year. i have, social security, and i've even got a case worker at senior and disabled services). its time to get my money out of a big coroporation and into something local, and 35 cents for money orders (they don't offer checks), no one in town can beat that, no atm, but thats okay. plus, it is literally in walkiing distance.. and as i was sitting there signing up i remarked to the guy "i feel like walking in here vs us bank is like the difference between walking into mother kali's and barnes and noble." nothing polished, things kind of astray, the loan officer dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. i hate banks. but i could get used to this one. and finally, i got to rei.. i need to replace a clip on my backpack which i believe is causing my left shoulder rsi (m agreed and even said that my backpack was too heavy for me -- books.), they didn't have it, but they played with it enough to get it to work if i press really hard, rei also didn't have the mini-mag light lightbulbs i needed. yes. so, i got all that done.

and then i went to my appointment with m. i was *so* glad to see her. that giant smile on her face. i have a hard time remembering faces, shit, i have a hard time remembering k the therapist's face and i've been looking at that thing for an hour a week for 3.5 years. but this face, and the smile, and the welcoming greeting. and the happy news she gave me about herself. well, that happy news was wonderful, and i hope it continues because she certianly deserves it. next week, yes, next week i'll hear if it is, and if the answer is yes, and that will be happy for me. because anyone who has that kind of news for me.. its just a huge happy sigh. and how's that for some mysteriousness, eh? can't tell what it is. but it was good, good enough for me to devote a paragraph too it.

and my massage. next week i'm going to ask her to go deeper. i can deal with it. i need it. whenever dad or kathy (dad's partner-wife) works on me its painful (i only allow them to work on my shoulders and my feet though, no whole body).. the kind that i know is good. and actually it forces me to relax. relax through the pain. and maybe i'm a bit of a masochist, but i enjoy pain during a massage, well, pain by someone who knows what they are doing. btw, dad and kathy practice eastern medicine, they've got teachers in tucson that they go to see, that come to see them (oh and the leader of the school / clinic that they work with in tucson, his masters are in china). so, they know what they are doing. not masters, no, but enough that they work on people on the weekends, and the work they do helps. so, pain from dad and kathy, and m is good.

so yeah. its what i need. i need this time on *this* particular massage table. i need this time there. just like i don't want to see another therapist and another doctor, i don't want to see another massage therapist. next week i need to ask her why she choose to become an LMT, and how she does it, giving all of herself, and then going home and being with her family. i don't understand it. and i'd like too.

and i asked her about crying on her table, and she said that was more than fine. thats good, because it might happen. but tonight i had a really good cry when i got home from ice cream with l, and not crying about l possibly leaving, but a good cry about, well.. thats too personal. i just know what and who i cried for, and it was terribly cleansing.

so, to the flowers. and i don't know why she put them there. she asked me how i was doing before hand, and i told her pretty crappy. and maybe thats why i found them on my clothes when i got up. and maybe not. but it was one of those gestures. a kindess gesture that, well. being my self esteem is what it is, i don't deserve, and i am extremely honored, and i've got them in a bottle on my computer table, so they are the last thing i see when i go to sleep and the first thing i see when i wake up. i still can't believe i got flowers. i don't get flowers. but i don't question. i just quietly thank the goddess for sending me too her.

and i'm going overboard in how much i adore this new care giver. its the touch thing and lack of it? its the difference in being clinical-- therapist k and dr. c., and being empathetic (is that the right word). its care that i need, that insurance should pay for, but its a different kind of care that insurance companies don't believe in, a kind of care that is more like a treat than a form of treatment.. yeah, my friends who i tell i'm getting a massage too talk about it being a treat. and no, and yes, i've gone crazy (but, don't forget i am), really, i'm seeing this massage with m as treatment for my disease. just like the psychotropic drugs i take are viewed as a treatment, as with the work i do with therapist k.

and i'm too dependent too, already. and i'm certianly not keeping that too myself. tonight i told her about going off the parnate and onto other drugs and that the next month was likely to be tough. would it be alright if i saw her every week, and she told me some people get massages every week. so, i'm going to do what i hate to do the most, i'm going to go deeper into my savings. but as you can tell, i believe its worth it. and i also think about people who need hospital care, and they can't afford it. i need this. i need this wonderful woman and her treatment in my life. , just like people in the hospital need their doctors and the treatment they receive. i know now that i need her as one more piece of my puzzle. like i said yesteday, one more piece to help manage this damn disease of mine. and yes, i'm too dependent, and i'll work on it. and maybe i'll even talk to her about the dependency issue. i've talked with k and i've talked with dr c. so.

yes, i need that gigantic smile, and her empathy, and her kindness, and her like mind and and and. yes. i need this treatment. for once i'm not just doing western medicine. i'm doing something alternative. and its one of those things that i'll admit, i stress about the money issue.. but as l reminds me, after i go through what i've got "you don't got problems with money.".. i just wish i didn't have to touch savings. but sometimes you gotta. those people who have to go into the hospital for treatment, who can't afford it, they go into savings. people loose lives and houses and all sorts of things to get the treatment they need to manage their diseasees. so, going a bit into extra savings, i'm not going to go homeless or anything, and well, thats the price *i* need / want to pay to help manage this damn disease.

yeah, so i only mentioned the flowers once. but here they are. and if i smell my chest, i can smell the lavendar she put on me. so, i won't be taking a bath for acouple of days.

and i have to remind myself next week that there are a couple more things i need to tell her. i.e., as those of you who've been reading this space for a long time know i'm not the most modest person in the world. so, if unconvering my venus of willendoforf breasts down to the top of my hips (i'm not that comfortable with my yoni being uncovered, though it has been during one massage i had a long time ago.) will help her do her job better, than thats more than okay. cause as you can tell they like to go free (btw i've been skinny dipping in front of total strangers a couple of times this year already too). and when she's done, she leaves the room to give me a bit of time.. i want to ask her to stay, hold my hand.. unless that time out of the room while i'm relaxing for a few more moments and then getting dresseed is *her* time, then i totally understand. but i spend enough time alone. but i also don't want to interfere with *her* time.

so yeah. i thinks enough rambling about my massage, and my massage therapist. i do this, and soon y'all won't hear anything more about her, promise. unless something really big happens because of the massage therapy. i have a feeeling i'm boring y'all.

Posted by brooke at 01.32.41 AM

August 29, 2002
touch.

all right. hmm. touch. yes. touch.

i remember marti and i getting ready to have sex for the first time. marti had driven from austin, texas for a #indigo-girls (from the IRC—internet relay chat) convention of sorts that was going on in atlanta, where i was living at the time. she stayed with me, as did, coax. i can’t remember his real name. he had the extra bedroom, marti the couch/bed in the living room and me in my bedroom. it was marti’s last night in town, and we were sitting on my bed talking and the next thing i knew we both, at the same time, went to make the move on each other, and marti said, and i will never ever forget it, “human touch is an incredible thing.”

so, yes, touch. i don’t know when i started to hug k my therapist after every session, a long enough time ago that my memory escapes me. but now, after every session i get a hug. sometimes the hugs last longer, sometimes i ask for another, and then other times i’ll say “last one, promise.” i remember once after our hug i all of a sudden started crying, she stood there, i stood there, and next thing i knew i felt her pull me to her and she just held me until i stopped. that is another touch moment i’ll never forget.

i hug my doctor too. i started this practice nearly right away. it had to be done. i was hugging k, so it only made sense. and in fact, have i mentioned this here? and its office policy, you can go in and get a hug any time, if you are willing to wait (i didn’t know this when i asked her for the first time, “do you hug?”). in fact, she’s even got a “safe chair.” a rocking chair covered in an afghan, that you can sit in for as long as you want as long as you need too, while you are waiting for your hug too, and even after your hug.

and then last week. and tomorrow (thursday), massage. that’s not a hug, but it’s an hour of touch. and it’s an hour of touch from someone with a completely gentle and kind heart (as i discovered from moment one of just talking with m my massage therapist).

see, it’s hard for me to feel safe these days. these days i only feel safe when i’m at my doctor’s office, and my therapist’s office. and well, if my instincts are right, and my massage therapist, in her office. yes, i’ve got friends, but this is different, and i can’t explain it. and i’ve got family that i absolutely adore, and perry and marsha too. but that sense of safety, its just not there with them. actually, now that i think about it, after my first visit with therapist k i knew she was right for me, as with my first visit with dr c. so, it only makes sense that after my first visit with m, the massage therapist, that i know. part of it is the professional distance, i know that. and the other part is that these women specialize in care taking, so they know (and i don’t know how) how to create safe space.

so, my massage. and touch. and kindness. and safety. and i told m about my disability, and i know that made me feel safer. i’ve been meaning to call her up at home (she’s got her home number listed on her business card) to ask her about crying on her table. for some reason i can imagine myself crying at times. i’m not sure why. well, maybe it’s the combination of the two things that i don’t have in the majority of my life, safety and touch. safety and touch from someone who i can tell gives her all emotionally to her clients. from someone who genuinely cares.

i need touch. i don’t get enough of it. i crave touch. i crave being held tightly at night by someone who i feel completely safe with. yes, the cats help, esp. prince smudge, as with my stuffed duck that i’ve had for 20 years, who i now refer to as my best friend, but the human factor.. well.. there’s a difference there.

i am one who touches. i am one who connects with people not only through their mind, but through their body. and i’m not talking about sex, i’m talking about touch. the holding of a hand. the gentle touch on a forearm, the arm through arm as you are taking a walk. i do that one with my dad all the time when we’re together. i put my arm through his arm as we are walking places. i want to connect with him through not only the sound of his voice, the smell of his aftershave, but the feeling of his arm tucked in with mine. and i must admit, its pride thing. “THIS IS *MY* DAD,” and i love him so much, and he loves me so much that touching as we walk only makes sense.

so, tonight (wednesday) i went to see a movie, and i have to admit, that while i was paying attention to the movie, i was also thinking a lot about my massage on thursday. how for an hour i get to be touched, and not just by anyone. but by someone i feel safe with.

that i know that i get her touch for an hour, not just for a brief hug. her kind and gentle touch. well, sometimes when she was doing the deep massage, i don’t know how gentle i’d call that, but she was aware enough to tell me to make a noise of some sort if it hurt too much. gentle deep massage, that’s what i’ll call it.

and funny, or maybe not. during all this depression crap, and all the words that i’ve heard from friends, and family, and especially therapist k and dr c., the word, the one word, not the string of words (which do provide me with what i need, most of the time), but the one that has provided me with the most comfort is the word “sweetie.” last week as m was asking me to move over so she could work better on my left arm, she called me sweetie, k and dr c have never called me that and in my family we don't use words like that amongst each other, and i’ve been clinging on to that all week. that one word, from this practical stranger who i have to pay.

but maybe that’s one of the many things about this safety bit, about the kindness and gentleness and warmness and the touch that i received last week. a term of affection, out of the blue. and its not that i needed that (okay, maybe i do, okay, i’ll fess up, i do.), and i’m not sure if she uses that with all her clients, but she’s more than welcome to use it again with me. because you only use words like that with people you care for (at least that’s my modus operandi), even though i am one of many that she does.

and so this week, i’ve been near tears pretty much all week. and i’m not sure why. but tomorrow i get, for a brief moment in time, the thing that i feel like i need the most. touch. yes, touch from someone who makes me feel special, someone, again, and i’ll say it over and over, who has a heart of gold, someone who is kind and gentle. and safe.

that doesn’t mean i don’t need k the therapist. oh ferfucksake, i need her. and dr c, we’re going to be extending out my visits from once a week to longer periods of time. next week its 9 days and i’m terrified (but she assures me i’ll be fine). i’m dreading the week i don’t see her at all.

but i need this too. i need this touch that m the massage therapist is able to provide me. i need her utter warmth as she is touching me. i need it much more than i was aware of last week when i went in for, what i called “a treat.” what i now call “a need.” just like i need k and dr c.

and i’m not sure if i should print this up and give it to m, sometimes my neediness scares me and other people, but i want her to know what she did for me in one single hour, i want her to know that through non talk she helped me realize what else i need in order to manage this damn disease of mine. it’s a pretty big deal. sometimes it takes k and i weeks of talking to get to those kind of understandings. so, we’ll see how gutsy i feel tomorrow (thursday).

Posted by brooke at 01.55.21 AM

August 28, 2002
The Needle and the Damage Done...

Well, it's me again...I just want to give a big "Hooray!" to Brooke for this great news...It must be a great relief!

I was thinking about things today because of last weekend. I took today off for my own sanity because I am still quite emotional about a lot of things. But then I heard someone talk about the Neil Young song I have for the title of this post...

For those of you who don't know, I confronted my step-father last Saturday. I told him everything. I told him about the abuse (sexual and mental). I told him how much it hurt me. I demanded that he never call me drunk, that he never get drunk in front of me again, and that he doesn't ask me to go to events for his side of the family unless I want to.

I left all that with him last Saturday.

He told me that he hadn't realized how much he had hurt me. He admitted he was an alcoholic. He said that's all he knew because his whole family are alcoholics. He said he wanted to change because he hated himself when he was drunk. He cried. I cried. He said he wanted to change, and that I gave him another reason to.

I don't know how much of the "changing" part I believe. I haven't trusted him in years, so it's hard to trust him now. He's done the dance before, going to AA and "loving it" and then he's back buying Bud again. Right now, his actions will speak louder and mean more than any of his words ever will.

And me? Well....I was talking with someone (and you know who you are) over email these last couple of days, and as much as I feel cleaner and lighter, I also feel empty. It took me a couple of days to figure it out, but I realized that I've carried that hurt and pain inside me for so long, that my heart and mind don't know what to do with that empty space now.

I left all that baggage with him, and now I'm kind of sad that it's gone. Believe me, I don't want it back, but it's been a part of me for so long, that I have to mourn it a little. I mean, a good deal of my life I fed off that, I slept it, drank it, sang it, breathed it. Now it's not "mine" anymore and I'm grateful.

But this will take getting used to.

I also feel sorry for him. He's been hurt just as much as I have. I hope and pray that someday he'll get the help he needs and not just dabble in it. And I know now, that if he asked for my forgiveness, I could give it to him.

For even though he's done bad things, he's still human, and I must show compassion.

Posted by at 09.10.05 PM

i've been approved!

I'VE BEEN APPROVED FOR LONG TERM DISABILITY INSURANCE!!!!

but for some reason, even though it starts sept 2, my first check won't arrive till october :(

i might call them and ask why. first i'll ask my dr. who i'm gonna see in just a bit. she's *usually* on top of these things.

Posted by brooke at 03.49.40 PM

wanting to write

i'm wanting to write, but i don't know what to say. i told someone, who in a short time i've come to care about tremendously, to follow her heart. its important. when making decisions about your life, *i* believe that the heart is the one to guide you, even if others might hurt. but in the end, your life is all about you, not others, no matter how much the others might want you to listen to them. i don't know if if it was selfless advice.. actually, i think it was pretty *selfish* of me not to give her the advice that i know so well earlier. basically its just a i'll see what happens, but because i've come to care for her so much in such a short time, putting my feelings away and being considerate of her happiness was hard, but in the end it is all i care about. if i care about her as much as i say i do, then really and truly, i believe that wherever her heart ends up, and she finds what she needs to, that will make me happy. though, i admit, i will miss her if her heart tells her to leave this place. i can only hope she'll stop and say good-bye if she does leave.

and ya know, even though it's been a tremendously short time, at least right now i feel like i'll never forget her. we all have stories that we tell about our lives about people, and she is sure to be one of those stories, one of the positive stories that i tell people.

how i got to meet this beautiful woman and spend such a short time with her, but how her affect on my heart has been greater than the affect on my heart of some who i've known for so much longer. yes, and that, in the end, is a positive thing. because at least our paths crossed, and i was blessed with her presence.

yep, i go overboard with my feelings. when i have feelings like these, they get intense, maybe too intense, maybe too co-dependent. well, no, i can certainly say that these feelings aren't co-dependent. for once they aren't. they are just what they are, and i deal with them as i do.

i followed *my* heart over 4 years ago, and i found myself here, in eugene. and its been a blessing, sometimes in disguise. but i know that it is in eugene that i have the best chance to heal from my disease, or learn how to manage it to the point where my dream of being jeanne d'arc and saving the world can happen.

so, i'm rambling. but i guess my point is, 2. i can be awfully selfish at times, and no matter what happens, i'm blessed to have her find me, even if our time together is terribly short. i can go away with that. the positive.

Posted by brooke at 11.50.41 AM

wednesday

i'm feeling a bit better. i called the person i needed and though they weren't there, that was okay.. i was able to say what i needed, and though she can't provide it right now, being able to vocalize what i need from her (my therapist k) is a big step. i used to just call and say "fix it" or "i feel like shit." and she would say "why did you call me?", which turned into, "when you call, what do you need from me?" so, that is good.. but bad cause i can't get what i need, being that its 1.30 in the morning, luckily i don't expect it at this hour. i think it was just as comforting to tell her what i need from her to get it off my chest than to get it... well, maybe..

tommorrow's agenda is making one more cd and sending off a care package to perry amd marsha containing a cd of the pics i took while i was there, a euphoria chocolate "Eugene Bar" (chocolate and raspberry) and one more piece of euphoria that says "LOVE."

i'll also be sending off cd's to a couple of people, and the rebate stuff for the easy cd creator platinum edition, which i needed for xp. 45.00 from amazon, 25.00 from roxio (who makes it).

maybe i'll get to calling the loan consolidtion people, and then my health insurance about something.

the day ends at dr c's office. i did a consult on june 5 with a local psychiatrist, they've not connected till now (that was after i went over to her office). she faxed over a report on what she thinks we should do based on my history and such. i know one thing that *will* happen is that i'll be going off the parnate (tapering off, mind you). 2 weeks ago therapist k and dr. c ganged up on me when i wanted to go off, now i've got the swing vote (k) on my side. too many unacceptable side effects, and i'm depending on xanax to the point where i'm nearly abusing it, cause its the only thing i've been able to take for sleep. also, hopefully my bloodwork is in, so we'll go over that, i hope. i'm the last person of the day, so i won't feel guilty about the time i'm taking.

don conoscenti, an acoustic musician that i got introduced to while living in atlanta, is going to be in eugene on saturday the 31st. i hope to make it to his show.

and mom's birthday is friday, but as usual she doesn't want any big fuss made over her, so i'll just call her, and hopefully send something later (i think she's getting ready to go back to eithiopia to see my stepfather soon). or maybe i'll talk to zack the brother and see if he can come up with something from the both of us. need to show her how much i adore and love and care for her. i've written a couple of pieces about her in this weblog, and she has appreciated both of them tremendously, one that she only read the other day. so... maybe i'm feeling guilty, but she *really* doesn't like people to go all out for her. i'm pretty sure that all she wants to know is that her underlings are doing the best possible job they can in this adult world, making decisions on our own-- smart, thoughtout decisions--, and able to support ourselves (me only as much as possible right now. which she is totally understanding about).

OH YEAH, NOTE TO SELF: SEND DAD THAT THING. one more thing to do at the post office.

and on that note, time to go read news of y'alls life and the life of the world. and then bed.

Posted by brooke at 01.39.32 AM

August 27, 2002

tonight, i'm not sure what i need. actually, thats a lie. i need to feel better. but i'm not sure how. i'm not sure which one to hang on too. which one to ask for as my tears flow down my face, my sobs work their way up my throat and out my mouth.

Posted by brooke at 11.11.20 PM

Yes, Yes, I still exist...

Hi all...

So, if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm having some issues with my website. Basically, I didn't pay my bill on time. I thought I was going to have the money for it last week, but then realized that rent was due. *sigh* So that means, I'll have to wait until next week to pay it. Hopefully, I can do it electronically.

Anyway, lots of stuff happening in my life at the moment, some of it good, some of it not so good. It's been emotionally draining for me and I've felt rather strange the last few days, but I'm slowly starting to get it together again.

Thank you Brooke for letting me post on your site. Thank you so much! You rock!

Well, I need to get going. The roomie has some friends coming over tonight, and I need to clean some stuff up and take out the trash....

Posted by at 02.54.03 PM

ramblings

so, yeah.. lets see.. i had dinner tonight (monday) with a lovely couple and their daughter. i met them through a community event and we decided to get together. i had a wonderful time, we talked about everything from politics to family and everything in between. and their daughter, though i didn't play with her much, is absolutely adorable, energy filled, and extremely bright. i'm hoping we'll all get together again, for the excellent conversation and so that i can spend more time getting to know and playing with their daughter.

what else. so, l (aka the positive light) and i got together this evening. i kept telling her that me offering to help her in any way possible to get settled in eugene and spending time with her is all a ploy. so, we get our lives together, and then i get to kiss her (she didn't me saying that, *thank the goddess*). but i think i went a bit overboard, and i'll be toning it down 100 percent. i have no idea what came over me. i'm normally not like that. anyhow, i hope i didn't end up making an ass out of myself. *cross fingers*

and. my hectic week of drs appts starts tommorrow. i'm worried about wednesday because i really want to go off the parnate, and on to something else, and i'm not sure what she'll say. plus, hopefully my blood work will have come back and prove that this weakness is anemia, but i'm not sure it is, because today i was really weak for most of it, and she said that 2 weeks should be enough time for the iron to kick in, but the test was done after a week, so.. i'll just wait and see.. and tommorrow (tuesday), the 2 hours worth of psychological testing. will it really show i'm nuts and i'll have even more proof? or will they show that i'm not really nuts and i'll be forced to enter the real world again, which i admit terrifies the living bejezzus out of me. just thinking about the real world nearly makes me cry. so, i'm nervous. but thursday. my damn left arm is bothering me like i can't believe, so, the money that i can't afford will be well worth it, because i'm sure m the massage therapist will do some magical work on it.

actually, i want to start weight lifting again, and i can't do it with this arm like this. weight lifting and the rowing machine. the rowing machine, maybe, but the weight lifting, no. this has never ever happened to me, any kind of rsi (repetitive stress injury). even when i was kayaking 2-3 hours a day, or doing web work 8 hours a day and using the mouse the whole time (oh, and this isn't my mouse arm).. i know you have to be easy on rsi's to allow them to heal. and though i'm out of shape, i certainly won't be easy on myself when i go and lift. i'll be as hard on myself as possible. so, we'll see. and i'll see what m says about lifting. fuck, too bad i'm no longer friends with j-a, i could have called on her expertise as an exercise physiologist. i only hope the rsi isn't so bad that i've got to consult dr c, not that thats a bad thing, but my mother had to have cortisone shots and well.. who knows what she'll do, or what she can do? i'd rather it all be worked out through deep massage (ha! the only time i go to non-traditional medicine!)

so, yeah. what else? i have appts for the next 3 wednesday mornings (re: starting next week) to get the rest of the mouth cleaning done. goody. starting next wednesday i get to have those novicane injections.. fucking-a those hurt like.. well... jeezuz shit they hurt. and in fact it took longer for where the injection was put in to stop hurting than the actual procedural stuff. good thing i'm somewhat of a masochist when it comes to pain (you should see me when i exercise, maybe not right now, but when i get in shape i've been known to push myself to exhaustion on the rowing machine and *then* do the same thing with the weight lifting. so, you get my point). i specifically asked for the same hygenist because she knows about my disability (i *hope* she remembers, she should, its in my chart and we had to go through a whole deal about making sure that the pain med she was going to give me wouldn't interfere with the parnate), and she's terribly kind, esp. about the pain causing things. i've had hygenists who didn't seem to give a fuck about the pain.. the pain of the novicane injection, not a flying fuck. b the hygenist kept checking to see how i was doing, and was as gentle as she could be (she can't be that gentle while sticking a needle like that in my gum).

and, anymore? smudge attacked the wall today for no good reason. i mean there was *NOTHING* there. and then.. well.. i love to watch him when he's in a really playful mode.. my favorite is when he comes up behind one of the other cats, or is above one of them and he just jumps on their back, his whole body on theirs.. sometimes he gets to go for a ride as they angrily try to get him off. its very funny. yes, not only is my prince an absolute sweetheart, wonderfully independent but dependent, but also quite the freak when its spaz out time.

and on that note, its bed time. well, past my bedtime.. okay, not really. sorta. lets just say, on that note, i'll shut up.

oh wait. there will be a guest here. i'll still be here, but there will be a guest here and (ARE YOU READING THIS?) YOU CAN POST AS MUCH AS YOU WANT, and then when everything is cool with your site, we'll just put it back over there!

oh yeah, ps.. amazon.com is being a royal pain. i finally told the receiver (and i need to email you back) that amazon would be delivering something too her. i ordered hers before i ordered my software, did the whole shipping thing, and *it* still hasn't been shipped. yet mine, which i got free shipping for, which they said would take 5-9 business days to arrive (i ordered it on the 23rd, the surprise on the 19th) arrived *today,..* surprising someone with a nice box on their doorstep is much more fun than getting my software (though my software will be fun, as my cd-rw will now be able to interact with xp, *at least it'd better!*). oh yeah, and that means, roni, if all goes well, i'll be able to get that cd to you and drive you even more nuts! hahahahahaha

Posted by brooke at 12.25.10 AM

August 26, 2002
positive light

okay, so. lets see, how do i write this, when she might read it? better timing. yes. better timing. on both of our parts. both of our lives are up in the air right now, where we are going to land, we don't know. *but* at least we get to hang out together as friends, and hopefully support each other through our own personal "whats gonna happen next?" and "wtf is my brain going to do about it?" and you never know, the timing might become right. so, the positive light, yes. she's incredibly sweet, shy, smart, and strong (though she doesn't know it... i told her tonight that *i* don't hang out with weak women. i can sense a weak woman from a mile away, at least a mile away if a relationship of any sort is about to happen. and while they might have positive qualities, in the end the relationship just won't work out, because *i* will walk all over them, and then feel guilty, and thats just bad for a relationship of any kind). and as i'd written here last night, but took it down because i wasn't sure how she'd take it, and now i've said it too her, she has more to offer the world than i think she realizes.

so good. a new friend. i need new friends like the east coast needs water. and if we were to have a relationship, that would be great too. but what would be perfect, in my eyes, is a good friend and the relationship to go with it. so, till then / if it happens, at least i've got a new positive light in my life, and i'm thrilled. oh, and if you read this, and you don't know its about you.. well. you will.. how can you not?

on other fronts. there isn't much to report. got the dental stuff from the insurance.. i've been approved to have lots of painful procedures done and spend money i don't have.

on the disability insurance front, nothing. its a wait and see game. another reason not to have a realtionship right now, i'm not stable till i get a stable disabliltiy income and am able to live within its means.

anything else? oh yeah. this whole new look thingy. i like it. i don't know what others think of it. but i like it and thats all that counts.

and on that note its time to lie down and deal with my sleep deamons.

oh wait, did i tell you i have a massage this week? hahahahaha, i'll be telling you every day! my left arm is still bothering me, so this is good. but not in the same place. the pain moves.

i also have 2 hours of psychological testing to look forward too on tuesday.. woooo weee, and an argument with my dr about whether to stay on this current drug or not. i'll say to her--- its not the fucking drug, its that positive light. whenever someone new enters my life my mood raises. so, there! you haven't known me long enough. its the positive light and the massage therapist. you can call k and ask her how thursday and friday were. :P.

and on that note, i'm drifting, i hope. g'night.

Posted by brooke at 12.56.48 AM

August 25, 2002
remember me

now, if i can get that remember me thingy to work in the comments....

Posted by brooke at 02.07.35 PM

okey dokey, here it is

yes, i can be femme. yes, i admit it, i like flowers and all that. this is it, the new design. still got some bugs to work out, but other than that its all good, imho.

what do you think? and be *kind of* honest. :)

Posted by brooke at 01.46.33 PM

report on portland protests

found this article at salon:
Ore. protest surprised White House .. my favorite quite is below:

Oregon, and especially Portland and Eugene, have a long tradition of demonstrations, and many of them turn unruly. *Bush's father, former President George Bush, used to refer to Portland as "Little Beirut" because of the protesters he encountered during his visits. *

Posted by brooke at 02.02.40 AM

new design

well.. i *finally* have a new design for my site. and i've put a lot of it together.. now i just need to get the damn table to work, and maybe create a couple of more graphics. but the major graphics have been made. i like it. i'm kinda proud of myself.

not a bad day overall. woke up at 1.30. talked to my friend r for a couple of hours on the phone, we'd not talked in ages. talked to mom, and gina (aka the boston dyke). worked on this. i am having medication problems i think. something is going on that just isn't right. i'll be calling my doctor in the morning.

oh, and i finally got approval for all the dental work i need done. i'll be calling them monday morning. maybe i can fit in another periodontal treatement (i have to have 4, i've had one) sometime this week.

and have i mentioned, that even though its a money issue, i can't wait to see my massage therapist m on thursday? i've already given her number to one person, and will be sending it to another person. hopefully she'll get lots of business from me :) yeah. i can't wait. oh, and did i tell you, i offered to do a free website for her? hehehe

Posted by brooke at 12.02.58 AM