August 17, 2002
saturday 17 night

so, i'm posting. depressing posting. i feel like utter crap today. i actually woke up not feeling that bad, but as the day wore on i felt worse and worse. i even called mom. i like mom. she sent me a book she bought at a london museum on cats, i love the book. plus the picture she sent of herself with her 2 dogs. she's cut her hair to a pixie type style. she no longer has to perm it (she's always permed it so she can curl it, cause, as she says, she has bad hair). anyhow, i called her to thank her for the book, to make sure what i was seeing in the picture was true. i love her new hair. i've been thinking about cutting my hair for a long time, but i dont have the guts. so i'm a bit jealous of mom.

if all works out with long term disabislity insurance, and after i talk to my drs about my fears and all that, i might very well go home around thanksgiving. mom has friends visiting from england and she said i would just love them (and vice versa). he's a socialist, she's quiet, like mom. he talks politics, *and* he just took time off his job because of depression. i've never met them, but know their name, mom says they are like family. so, i'd like to meet them before they leave thanksgiving day. plus, maybe i can get them to bring me some real cadbury's..

in other notes..

there were other notes. so, yeah, it'd be really cool to go home for thanksgiving, and maybe my brother zack and his partner meg could come up and i could get to know meg better. she and i have a lot in common, and she makes zack happy, so i like her. she also likes alix olson. heeheehe big plus for her.

i'd normally think about going home for christmas (we celebrate family, not religion), but mom is going to be in eithiopia with my stepfather who is there for 2 years, and dad will be in thailand for a month learning thai massage. no reason to go if my beloved parents aren't there, really.. and i can't imagine zack not going to meg's parent's.

plus, if i go home around thanksgiving, maybe i can catch the dears perry and marsha before the big holiday rush hits. i'm finding i miss them everyday. i wish they were here, like they were in atlanta. i miss them so much.

my goal with this website is to start writing more about politics, like i used to. thats how i know i'm feeling better. you know, the ranting and raving i did. pissing people off and such. it felt good to write like that. but i'm still having medication issues, and i'm not sure what i'm going to do at this point.

gl pointed out tonight that maybe its not *this* particular drug that's making my mood better, that maybe its just been certain drugs. other drugs, that didn't cause as many side effects. so, i'll talk to dear dr c on wednesday when i see her about it. celexa and topomax. and topomax helps me loose weight. i'd love to loose some weight. yes, me the ranter about loving your body no matter what size... no excuse, except that this weight was put on by a drug, and if it can be taken off by a drug.. though i'm sort of fine with how i am, i'd like to be the me that arrived in oregon. long story.. but the jist of it is, yes, i'd like to get rid of some of this extra weight, for me. not for anyone else. i mean, i've got some great clothes for this size. but, the weight, i'd like to get it off for me, like i said. maybe in this time of changing identity, if i got some of the weight off it would help me feel more like me? i dunno. BUT, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH ANYONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO LOOSE WEIGHT. I LOVE FAT FEMINISTS!!!! in fact, our country's obsession with loosing weight is way unhealthy. this is just a personal issue, and it might even help with my depression.. have i made my point yet???

anyhow, back to the point.. yes, my best friend, my dr, my therapist all say my mood is better. not good enough to go back to work. (that terrfies me, and my therapist verified that if i go back to work things will go downhill quickly), but maybe good enough to start dealing with some crap i've been needing to deal with. not right now, but..

i'm rambling. and i'm sure y'all aren't reading all this. but this is my journal, and i'm writing it and documenting things, and maybe if i write it down here i'll remember to talk to dear dr. c about it, and dear k, phd about it. yes.

until then. right now, i feel so crappy i just wanna sleep. so, i've taken drugs early. but i'm gonna have to move max who is curled up next too me.

*personal notes* we've not talked, but you know i still love you l, and you too f. and i can put my shit behind me if you need me in anyway, okay? i miss you. just give me time to sort more things out. and l, give a hug to the d for me, okay? and f, hugs to b, o, and h okay? goddess, i hope l and f can figure out that its them i'm talking too.

ps. go read this, over at gammerstang / temporarily feline / element / aka cal. its very powerful and took a lot of courage to write.

Posted by brooke at 11.40.39 PM

i am so tired of this design!

i am SOOO tired of this design. but as i've said before, i can't think of another one, though i've been thinking about it a lot. on my mind these days, in order: 1. waiting for disability insurance to decide 2. dealing with the parnate 3. waiting to hear for approval from insurance for my dental work (which i really need, because my cracked tooth is really starting to bother me) 4. redesigning this website... well, those 4 things and the whole new identity thing.

Posted by brooke at 01.51.21 PM

sue wicks is a dyke

i don't know how many wnba fans there are reading this weblog. i'm one. been one since the inaugural season.. actually, to be honest, i can't stand basketball. i can't stand men's basketball. and the game, interests me to a point, but.. well.. but for some reason i'm a huge wnba fan. the one game i've gone too (phoenix vs charlotte) they handed out free mini-basketballs. i've still got mine and it says a lot of stuff on it, including "inagural season".. one of these days i'll get it fully pumped up.

anyhow, since my introduction to the wnba i've pretty much followed a few players, for some reason or another, i don't know why.

• nicole levesque. she only played one season. but there i was at this charlotte / phoenix game and this short point guard was doing some serious butt kicking. yes, she won my heart the minute i saw her walk out on the floor.

• debbie black, from the miami sol. she's short too. 5'3", and she kicks butt, really. and i hear she's got premium passion. i've not seen her play, i'd love too. but passion and shortness, and overall kicking butt. how can i resist?

  and then there are the two from the ny liberty. can't help myself.

• teresa wheatherspoon. be still my beating heart. again, its that passion thing. i've only seen her on tv, but you see pictures of her and what do you see in her face? pure passion. and people talk about it. plus, she's simply beautiful. t-spoon can come over and visit me any day. i'd love to just say thanks for your passion, thanks for what you are doing for women's sports, thank you for being such an incredible role model to the young and the old.

• sue wicks. i can't say i've been following all that well this year, so i don't know if she's starting.. but for the previous years she's been the best 6 in the league. and she's good. and i hear she's really nice to the fans (as with t-spoon).

  well, today i recieved my copy of denuve.. oops, curve, in the mail. "sue wicks comes out." she was interviewed by a small press, answered the "are you a lesbian question" honestly, and hasn't done any press since. but, she's made history for the wnba. she's the first player to come out. and while i'm not surprised, i'm impressed that she decided to go out on the line and be honest. she wouldn't talk to curve, but they did an extensive article anyways (i hope she doesn't mind). the hope is that more players will have the courage to come out. and if players come out then they can serve as role models.. and not just for the queer youth, but for all the youth.. you can be whatever you want. and girls, you can now be a professional women's basketball player, and it doesn't matter what you are, as long as you can play ball. so, normally i don't make a big deal, but this is impressive. i wish she'd talked to curve, but she's got the game to think about and, well.. it could all be a bit much for her.. but she did it. and i don't know if it makes me admire her anymore.. maybe it does, because anyone living their lives honestly is an admirable trait to me.
  

Posted by brooke at 01.07.33 AM

August 16, 2002
fires

so, have y'all heard? oregon is on fire. actually, we've been on fire since the beginnning of july. and now its getting scary.

did you hear? its not just southern oregon thats on fire... eugene is on fire too.. its gettin' kinda scary here. kinda? one never knows when another field is going to pop up. one fire that they didn't mention was one out west 18th, if it weren't for the road to cause a fire break (thats what its called, yes?), some apartments and houses would have been threatened.

i'm lucky though, at least i think i am. i think people are keeping their lawns watered around here, although with a good lightening strike the HUGE evergreens in front of my apt could burn quickly, as with the apartment. luckily we don't get much ligtening in the valley. the scary thing would be if the riverside park that is a couple blocks from my house caught fire. its a park area/ bike path that goes for a few miles, until it hits ferry street bridge. but luckily they keep that nice and moist too.

irnonic thing was that back in july they were talking about the fires in eastern oregon, but how not to worry about the valley, cause its too moist. the next day a fire cropped up in coburg (due north of eugene by about 10 minutes).

Posted by brooke at 06.41.24 AM

August 15, 2002
human doing to human being

It is a truism for any person newly disabled that constructing a new life and identity means learning how to become a human being rather than a human doing. -Sharon Wachsler, from her piece "Still Femme" in "Restricted Access: Lesbians on Disability"

i've been up for 20 hours now. i'm personally scared to go to sleep. my anxiety, ohhh, my anxiety. and everything that has been going on with my sleep patterns and energy levels.. its all starting to come to a head.

i've been out of touch with the world lately. i've been out of touch with the world, and then i found that quote up there. human doing to human being.

i've always been doing something. whether it be being a little kid and swimming of my grandfather's boat, or a teenager making sure i don't swim out of my own boat (my whitewater kayak). then there came semi-adulthood and school. and summer vacations filled with work of some sort, even the one that i broke my ankle. that summer i was babysitting and having sex for the first time, along with boating even with a leg in a cast. after all that there was supporting myself in atlanta, applying to grad school, a summer being an assistant to a director, grad school, and finally oregon. and work. forever i've been doing something.

i've been a human doing, and if i wasn't doing a lot at the time there were plans set in place for me to continue to do, to continue to move forward, to continue my middle class life, only on my own, the middle class work ethic that so many of us know.

and now, now i'm not. now i'm not a human doing. now i am a human -simply - being.

my therapist commented that my weekends weren't any different than my weekdays, and when it comes down to it, she's right, except on the week days if i need to deal with something about becoming a human being, i can.

but these days. i've withdrawn. i've withdrawn from the vast majority of my world, my life. i've lost 2 friends because of my pain. and my other friends, i know they are there, but, i've simply withdrawn.

because what do people do when they get together? they talk about what they are doing. and my talk, well, my talk is rather boring.

i'm waiting. i'm waiting to be declared disabled by the long term disability insurance company. i'm waiting to be declared disabled by the federal government. i've already been declared disabled by both my doctor and my therapist, now i'm waiting for it to come from people who will pay me, instead of me paying them.

i'm also waiting for this drug. i'm waiting to see how much this drug will improve things. my dr. says my mood is improved, but i throw out all sorts of other things that are either not improved or worse. so, i'm waiting.

and i spend my days. well. i spend my days simply being. some days i see gl, most days i don't. a certain kitten has been wanting me to come over and hang out, and i appreciate your invite more than you know, give me time, i will take you up on it and i know that its there, and its comforting. btw, email me your phone number.

but what do i talk about, if i'm not doing?. my mind is constantly on whether the insurance will declare me too disabled to do the job of a webmaster. do they even know what the job of a webmaster takes? if i can't remember to tell my doctor i've been suffering from muscle weakness for 5 weeks and i experience it when i'm in her office, how the hell am i going to be able to remember everything that it takes to be a webmaster?

so, i'm not doing anything, except trying to make it through each day and night. i'm simply trying to exist and do things like brush my teeth and get the cat litter box cleaned out more. but most of the time, i'm not doing anything.

see, even with this goddamn depression that i've been suffering for the vast majority of my life i was driven. i was still able to qualify for the junior national whitewater slalom kayak team, after only months of training, and then come in 3rd at junior nationals that summer. the next year, the next year was even more spectactular, even with this depression laying its heavy head on my shoulder, i was able to go to a junior college and get my grades up high enough so i could go to a good private school. AND i maintained my own set of training gates and qualified for the 1992 olympic trials.

see? oh, but it gets better from there. so, i graduate with a 3.0 from my undergrad (i'd graduated from high school with barely a 2.0), and i manage to get accepted to the best program in my field (instructional technology) in the country (well, it switches between 3 programs, mine being one), and even still with depression and then the added stressor of panic attacks for the first time, i was able to graduate with a 3.5. no, not perfect as i'd wanted to, but enough to go back to grad school if i want too.

and finally it ends with the BIG DO.. while continuing to have this disease hanging heavily on my shoulders, i was able to move 3000 miles, 2 cats, no job and manage to land a job (6 month contract) in my field after only being in town for a month! and that led to the webmaster position.

and i had accomplished a lower middle class lifestyle. i did.

and now. now what do i do? my drive is gone. i'm worn out. but what do i do? today i copied a bunch of cd's over to my hard drive, rinsed out some underwear, had a drs appt, read a book. but thats a busy day for me.

see the skill of being wasn't taught to me. no, it wasn't. and i don't know where to learn the skill. and i don't know if i'm able to simply be.

what does it mean to be a human being, instead of a human doing? does it mean i sit on the couch all day? does it mean i listen to music? i don't know.

and i'm scared. i'm scared of this new identity. its causing me more stress than i realized, until tonight. not only am i scared of not being declared a human - unable - to do, but i'm also scared of being declared a human - simply - being.

i thought if i wrote all this down, i'd be able to go to sleep. but i don't think i can.

*sigh*

Posted by brooke at 01.01.24 AM

August 14, 2002
august 14th, morning

so, it comes around again, and again. morning. i've been up since 4am, but of course i fell asleep yesterday at 5pm. other than getting up a couple of times for brief moments, i had 11 hours of uninterrupted sleep.. and i didn't even take anything to help me sleep. thats not the way its been in a long time. pretty blissful. its likely i'll take a nap at some point today, as my drs appt isn't till 4.30, but maybe not.

on the positive. i *finally* met up with l. we went for a quick walk to the river. i rambled the whole time, told her all about what eugene has to offer. but i had a good time and i'm looking forward to her coming back from vacation. more walks l? and i won't ramble so much?

kd writes about a suicide at her work. i've been meaning to write about the subject again. i've been meaning to write the aftermath of this post about my own suicide attempt. when i posted it i predated it by 5 years, but i've been coming out about the actual date. the actual date of my suicide attempt is 27 september 2001.

i almost attempted suicide again on 5/26/2002. i guess thats the aftermath. is a suicidal gesture. i called my dr after i'd popped 6 extra-strength sominex. we argued. i told her i wanted to continue to take them. but why did i call her then? to say good-bye? thats what i told her. because i was in serious emergency? i called her because i did and we argued for awhile, until she said "i'm calling the ambulance." and i finally relented and dumped the rest of the pills in the toilet. she made me flush it. so i did.. and then we talked about what would happen to me.

she said i'd sleep. i thought i'd sleep. 6 extra strength sominex. i thought i'd be out for a couple of days. i wasn't. i wasn't out for a couple of days, i had a serious panic attack instead and landed in the emergency room.

at that point everyone wanted me to check into the psych ward, but i refused. i've been there before, i don't like it. i'm a caged lion when i go there. what i say over and over is "i'm a prisoner in my own mind, i refuse to be a prisoner there too."

that was 5/26/2002. 6/10/2002 i left work and have only gone back to retrieve my stuff. on 11 july i wrote out contracts for my therapist and my doctor that essientallly said that if i attempt suicide again that they should drop me from their practices. i'm allowed to have suicidal thoughts, i'm even allowed to have a plan, but i am not allowed to follow through. i'm also allowed to tell them about my thoughts.

its actually been a bit better since i wrote the contracts. my therapist has been trying to get me to write one for years now.

but that was july 11, and my thoughts are coming back again. i had a couple of suicidal thought free weeks. but now....

stress, stress over the long term disability insurance, thats what my theerapist says. she's seen the pattern before. she's seeing it again.

but i'm working harder than ever to get better. i'm tired of the parnate, and i haven't gone off it like i've done with drugs in the past. i'm waiting for my dr and i to agree. i'm starting to take better care of myself. i'm eating a little better, except on bad days.

i'm taking care of my teeth, which have been needing it. this'll sound gross, but for about a year i'd only brush intermittently. but now i have a toothbrush in my car, and one in my house. in fact, i got a hermoine granger toothbrush for the house, so every morning i brush with my hermioine granger toothbrush, and rinse with ACT. the dental hygenist who is doing the work on my mouth said ACT was better than listerine cause it has flouride, so even though i like listerine better, i'm rinsing with ACT. and i'm trying to get in a regular flossing routine. i'm managing it every 2 days or so. it feels good to be taking care of my teeth, and i'm looking forward to finishing the cleaning treatments (we're doing it in 4 pieces) so my whole mouth will be completly clean. but i'm having to wait on insurance, so right now only one quadrant has been cleaned.

so. even though i'm not doing everything i need to do, i am taking better care of myself. so i guess thats the aftermath.

i'm trying not to stress about the disability insurance.. but assuming i get it, all of this will continue, because i am simply too sick to be able to take care of myself and work.

and maybe one day my suicidal thoughts will go away, comppletely. now, that would be the perfect aftermath of 27 september 2001.

Posted by brooke at 07.09.22 AM

August 13, 2002
angry

so, the other day i showed my dr a picture of alix olson. she noticed that she's playing at michigan womyn's music festival and asked if i'd ever been (i haven't), and then saiid that she'd like to go at some point. i mentioned that my sister-in-law went and loved it. anyhow, because of her interest in michigan i thought, "hey, she might like alix."... so i took in "built like that".. she returned it too me the next week with the words "she's too angry for me". (i think she needs to see alix in actual performance, because she's hilarious).

so, i thought.. hmm.. if she thinks alix is too angry, i wonder what she must think of me. cause i'm far more angrier than alix, at least how she sounds on "built like that."

i'm angry now that this long term disability insurance approval or not approval is taking too much time, and they say they asked me for information, but they never did. i'm angry that they didn't believe *my* list of drugs that i've been on in the last 1.5 years. i'm angry that they are asking for the psychiatrist's records who i left for many reasons, one of which his uncomfort with my referrall to myself as dyke, another reason being that he refused to do slidign scale-- fuck that guy makes so much money doing what he does, and he refuses to financially help out a pateient who obviously needs his medical expertise, but can't afford it.

i'm angry that i can't work. the thought has come to mind. why don't i just fuck all this and go back to work. because i can't. because i don't know what will happen. if i couldn't handle my dream job, then any other job, well...

i'm angry because i can't live in community housing. i'm moody as hell. my depression comes and goes and when it comes i need to be alone. i need to not have to put on a happy face or even a pleasant face for anyone else. i've already tried it. i'd save a lot of money. instead i have to live alone because of this fucking disease.

i'm angry because the long term disability people haven't asked for more information from me, a narrative, one that talks about life time depression, only for lots of those years i didn't know what it iwas. and then how i'd actually go into remission. how i was able to train for the onlympics, go to the onlympic trials, end up at the best program in the country in my field for grad school.. but how now i culdn't do it.. and back then because of my depression i wasn't able to excel at paddling and grad school like i wanted too.

i'm angry because they don't want to talk to mom, or perry and marsha.. mom who could verify that she knew something was up, but didn't know what it was.. perry and marsha who have known me since before i came out, who saw me through lots of ups and downs while i lived in atlanta.

i'm angry because they won't believe my dr who says "she can't go back to work." i'm angry that they haven't asked for her records, the one's that show the spiral downwards. i'm angry because they haven't bothered to ask why i switched from a specialist to a family practitioner.

i'm angry that i'm going through all my savings, and they are just making wait longer and longer and longer.

i'm angry because the people at lbl esd think they can acocomodate me, when they don't know what they are trying to accomodate. and when they refuse to listen to my dr. and i when we say "well, *maybe* she can pull it iff if she can telecommute a few days."

but i can't even take care of my daily needs on most dsays, so how the fuck am i supposed to work? seriously. no matter how hard i try, i can't get my apartment clean, i can't do laundry, i have to force myself to talke a bath, and somedays i have to force myself to eat and who knows what i'll eat-- ice cream or chicken? depends on my mood.

i'm angry because i've been dealing with ths fucking disease for so long and finally i'm saying "there's something built into my work benefits that will allow me not to work, at 29 after years of this, or how ever many years of this living hell, maybe i can just concern myself with days of living with this fucking disease, instead of having to worry about pleasing people who pay me, who see that my performance is not up to par.. where i realize that my performance isn't up to *my* par." and this company is only making it worse by taking so long.

yeah, it took me a few weeks to send in the original application, but thts because i was/am angry at myself for not being able to pull it off. the middle class expectations of working, the modeling of my mother who excelled at everything she did. and i doubt that company understands that this isn't easy, and so i'm angry.

and i'm angry that i'm sure more than one person thinks that i'm simply being lazy. i know i'm one of those who thinks i'm lazy. why can't i just pick myself up and do it?

and i'm scared. what if they reject me? my friend larry told me of a story where he told a co-worker to go to unemployment to explain her situation, and they accepted it. thats my only hope, at least thts how i feel these days.. but i'm too scared to go down to that office, because i might get someone who willl say no. and then what will i do?

i'm scared that i'll have to move back east. that i'll have to leave this city that i love, this city that has become home, even though i don't have many friends here.

i'm scared i'll get deniied and be pulled away from the 2 women who understand how serious my illness is. one who after 3 years has finally come to the conclusion that i am actually disabled because of this, the other who recognized it pretty quickly. i'm scared because if you take them away, i'll dive even lower, and i can't get much lower.

and so, this morning i listen to alix olson, because i'd rather escape into the world of radical feminism and dykeism, because i'd rather be angry this morning than scared and panicked. but alix doesn't make me angry, no, alix speaks a language that i once spoke. i listen to alix olson this morning because she gives me hope that i'll be out there doing the work at another time..

or she gives me hope that by being honest here, by talking about all this that i am doing the work. it might not be feminist, i don't know what it is, but maybe my anger and fear is pulling at somehting in someone. and thats alli give a shit about....

well, except for not feeling like shit anymore.

Posted by brooke at 07.35.57 AM

August 11, 2002
aug 11 morning.

august 11 morning, and i'm listening to cat stevens "remember: the ultimate collection." i've been listening to it pretty much non-stop. i love this cd, not only does it have all my very favorite songs (father and son, hard headed woman, if you want to sing out, sing out) but others that i'd never heard and am taking a great liking too.

yes, i know its not pc to listen to cat stevens. apparently in his new incarnation as a muslim he supported the attacks on the world trade center and pentagon, and then thern there was that whole supporting of killing the author of "the last temptation of christ." but that is his new incarnation, in his old one, as a singer he was really good.

apparently portland or seattle didn't play last night, so its still seattle in that 4th spot. which, as i expressed yesterday, does not make me happy. i really wanted to see portland pull off a trip to the playoffs. oh well.

lets see. i'm feeling. well, last night i felt like shit after i got home from swimming, both emotionally and physically. restless nights sleep. i feel like i'm teaching myself how sleep again. fell asleep at 1am, restless sleep, awake at 4.30am, restless rest till 6 when i gave in and got up and ate some junk food and read until i fell asleep till 9am. i'm tired. i'll eat a garden burger soon. i could go and make it to fellowship (unitarian universalist), but somehow i just think it would be too overwhelming. all those people. so, i'm not sure what i'm going to do today.

i'd like to redesign this site, but i have no ideas in mind whatsoever, and i've been thinking about it for a number of weeks. usually it only takes me a short time to come up with a new design.. but now. i guess its the change in my life and me wanting to reflect that, and i'm still dealing with that change, and i want the design to represent me. so.. i'll continue to think.

and now i'll leave you with a couple of cool quotes i found in "restricted access: lesbians on disablitiy" (which those of all sexualities and all abilities should read, as remember everyone is a TAP (temporarily abled person)). btw, it was published in 1999, so these aren't that old.

• "As long as dependence is seen as a personality flaw in the lesbian community, our ability to be a truly diverse and inclusive force to be reckoned with is nonexistant." - Lizard Jones

• "When I can no longer do five jobs and fix people's personal problems on the side, I feel worthless. What happened to thinking we all have a contribution to make? Why can't I remember that interdependence is not charity but unity? Why can't I remember that?" -Lizard Jones

• "It is a truisim for any person newly disabled that constructing a new life and identitty means learning how to become a human being rather than a human doing." -Sharon Wachser

• "DON'T punish me with your frustrations at the inconveniences I cause you with my illness. Yes, in the short term, you may get me to "pass" as able-bodied or even take care of your bad mood, but in the long run, I will decide you are an abelist asshole. I have no choice but to live with these inconveniences and disruptions twenty-four hours a day. If you choose to be in my company, you can assume responsibility for temporarily accomodating my disability." -Carolyn Gage from her DON'ts and DO's of CFIDS (Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome)
  

and on that note, i'm going to... who knows call back east probably, check in with mom, dad, perry and marsha.

Posted by brooke at 09.47.26 AM