rivervision's attempt to figure it all out...

August 03, 2002
terror

its late at night. i went up to work today and cleaned out my desk. i got copies of the forms that my employer had filled out for my long term disability insurance claim.

at this point i'm terrfied. he said they could accomodate me with varied work hours. but they can't. i don't know who the insurance company is going to believe, an unknowing hr director who knows nothing of my condition, or my dr who says that i can't return to work at present, and that she doesn't see when my medical condition will be fixed-- they gave options of 1-2 months, 3-4 months, 5-6 months, more than 6 months.. she didn't fill out any of those boxes.

i have to wait 46 days to hear if they'll accept my claim or not. i'm going to talk to my dr on wednesday (my usual weekly appointment) and see if i shold call them and let them know of prior battles with this disease. the only one we wrote down was one that started in may/june of 1999 and was resovled by april of 2000. i'm not sure if i should call them and tell them about graduate school and the treatment i received then. january of 1997, resolved by february of 1998. no, seriously, i was fine when i left graduate school. i didn't seek treatment again until may/june of 2000.. besides going to a therapist for "maintenence".. i'm not sure if they also want to know that i was treated in 1995, but that was for a short time and at that point i didn't know what i was being treated for. i only knew that i was sad and that life seemed to be a bigger struggle for me than most people. in fact it was a girlfriend who pointed out that i was depressed. i'm not sure if i should let them know that my mother talked about me being sick during my high school years and my undergraduate years, but not knowing what that sickness was (it ended up being depression). i feel like they need to know this information, that this january of 2001 is an abritrary date of an episode that hasn't solved itself, except for the 3 months that the serzone worked, and then it stopeed working. i'm not sure if i should call them and let them know that my trip to the emergency room on 5/26 was actually a suicide attempt that luckily i had my doctor on the other end to stop. would all that make a difference?

i'm terrfied that i won't qualify for this long term disabilityh insurance. i'm not sure if should call them and tell them that i'm terribly overwhelmed by lots and lots of things, and that i'm going to attempt to volunteer at the relief nursery but i'm afraid i won't be able to pull it off.

its the 45 day wait. and its the hr director saying that they could accomodate me, but they haven't been able to acccomodate me. i went on fmla in march of this year, i came back and things were just as bad as they had been. i'm not sure if i should call them and tell them that there are days when i can barely get out of bed to go to the batrhroom, much less days when i'm able to work. i'm not sure if they want to know that i've been self-injurious.

i'm not sure how much of my history that they want to know, or need to know to be proven that this is not just a one time thing. and that this has nothing to to with ths job. i told my therapist the other day that. that it wasn't just this job, it was working at hardees, it was being a dishwasher. it was training for the onlympics and not being able to follow through because of something going on in my head, but not being sure what it was, only that it was really icky, and it affected everything that i did.

i'm not sure how much of my past history they want to know, and how its been solved in the past but that the depressions are only getting worse.

i've filled out forms, but i feel like iike i want a jury trial. i want my mother to be there, and my father, my brother, my mother's psycholoist friennd lynda, perry and marsha who watched me go through hell while i was on my own living in atlanta.

i want the long term disability insurance people to know that this is not just a one time thing. that this is an on going thing. and i don't want them to take 45 days to make it.

i hope they believe my dr over the hr director. again, the hr director that said that he could accomodate me, but he dhesn't know what he's trying to accomodate. insomnia, severe anxiety, the inability to be around most people, the inability to get out of bed to eat even when my stomach is yelling at me to do so, my tend to self injure myself. my 1 definite suicide attempt, and my other one that was stopeed by dr c.

these days i feel safest in dr c.'s arms. i feel safest when she's hugging me. i feel safest because she knows that this invisible disease of mine has disabled me beyond the point of being able to work at all.

i go out during the day and i do errannds. lets say they take 2-3 hours. i come back and i'm exhausted, i lie down and sometimes i nap, and then i can't sleep at night, and night is the most terrible time, because there's no one there. there's noe to assure me.

i need these people to believe the extent of my depression. hopefully they got that when i sent them the list of the drugs taht i'd been on over the last year and a half. 17 different drugs. thats a lot of different drugs.

i'm terrified. i feel like i need these people to know that i'm barely able to take care of my basic needs. that my apartment has become a big wreck because i'm unable to clean it because i feel so shitty. that its become to the point where its no overwheliming. i need these people to know that even the cats are overwhelming at times, that there are hours/days that go by when i brely pay attention to them because they are too overwlming, because dealing with another living being is too much for me.

except dr c. i feel safest with my dr. i'm not sure how many patients she sees on a weekly basis, but i don't think its many. i don't think its many pateints who are doing a trial of a drug that isn't working, but we're going to go ahead and stick it out for the 6 weeks.

i don't know if i should call these people and tell them about my suciidal thoughts. thoughts that come and go, thoughts that have been acted upon at times.

i don't know if they need to hear that i spend hours crying because it hurts so much. i don't know if they need to hear that i spend hours crying because i want my terribly busy dr to curl up with me and make me feel safe, like she does when she hugs me.

i don't know if these people understand that 45 days is only making it worse. that i'm going through xanax like its candy. thats the only thing that truly relieves my anxiety, thats the only thing that allows me to sleep at night.

i don't know if they need to hear that now that i don't have work to deal with that i'm able to do stuff like go to the dentist and deal with past due bills, past due as in a year ago.

i don't know if they need to hear that the questions on their firms give a full picture of what my life has been like, especially over the last year and a half. espicially for the vast majority of it. that my depressions, they are only getting worse and the time between them is only getting closer an closer.

i don't know what they need to hear. they need to hear that 45 days of terror is not helping my depression. i need my doctor to call them and tell them that this has been a life long thing and that nothing that the esd, or any other work place can do can accomodate this disease of mine.

do they need to hear stories of how i was a serious kid and how that is unusual and how that is a sign of depression as a kid? do they need to hear the story of me being in 2nd grade and us talking about show and tell and me saying that people shouldn't bring in toys, that they should bring in things that are only interesting? that i spent my days reading biogrphies? that i was a difficult kid? that i started crying when i came out of the womb and haven't stopped?

what is it that they need to hear? that i'm going through my savings and i'm terrfied i'll go homeless?

that 45 days is too long of a time to wait? i don't know what they need to hear. there were some discrpensies in what dr c wrote and what i wrote, but just tiny ones.

hospitializations: none.. but does the emergency room count? i don't know? i'm lying here awake because i'm absolutely terrfied that i'll get turned down. that i'll run out of money, that i might have to move back east and leave my dear dear dr c., and my counselor who has been driving me crazy these days, but for my own good.

what do they need to hear for me to be assured that my claim will be accepted? adaptive keyboard.. thats one thing that the hr director put down. my wrists dont' crack because of years at the keybard, they crack because of years at the keybard and years whitewater kayaking.

do they need to hear that i had to resign my position on the board of the rural organizing project because i was too sick to fulfill my duties? a dream organization for me to work with, a life long dream organization for me to work with. and that no matter how much i want to get back into whitewater kayaking, i can't, because my motivation levels are too low.. as with my motivation to exercise, even though i was a former athlete?

do they need to hear of lost friendships and lovers because they couldn't handle my pain? there's so much you can't put on thos forms.

have i already mentiond this? but do they need to hear that when i'm not in dr c's arms, that i spend hours at night crying needing to be in the safety of her arms? she's safe, she knows how sicki am, and she knows that working varied hours wiould probabaly only make me sicker. she knows that right now i need to take care of me. and my therapist knows this too.
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i don't know what they need to hear. because there's a lot to hear about my lifelong depresion. that my therepist isn't surprised tht my depressions are only getting worse and closer together.

noneof what i just wrote, they didn't ask. they didn't ask any of the above. i don't eat somedays because its a way of self-abuse. that i don't heat somedays because i feel so crappy tht i simply am not hungry. that i have to force myself to eat after a couple of days of not eating.

i'm terrified that i won't qualify. that i'll run out of money, that i won't have any back up money for things like co-payments. i'm terrfied of it all. and its only making my condition worse.

i'm going to attempt to show some self-restraiint and wait till i see my dear dr. c on wendesday and ask her if i should call them ith this further informtion. thats asking a lot from me, because i want to call them now.

i want them to know tht i had to back out of volunteering t mother kali's because it was simply too much.

i'm getting addicted to xanax because of all the stress i'm under, waiting for their approval or not. and before i cared. before i cared that i was taking too much, but now i can't take enough. i had to take 2 mg just to be able to sign on and write this, because before i was too terrified to move. before i was crying for my dr to hold me and not let me go. but after 2 mg of xanax (.25 used to put me to sleep) i'm able to move. i'm able to sit down and pour my heart out in my journal. and the withdrawls will be bad, but i don't care. i've been through xanax withdrawl before, and this will be far worse, but i don't care, because i need it to survive on an everyday basis. i need it to calm me down. i need the chemical reasurrance, i need a drug that will stop me from calling the the long term disability people and rambling on and on about things i think they need to hear, but they might not necessarily need to hear. dr c says i need to cut down, but she's not overly pressuring me. it hasn't come down as an order, just a suggestion. and i know my therapist doesn't like to hear about all the xanax i'm taking, because it is so addicting and it can cause rebound anxiety. but i need it. i need it like i need my dear dr c. like i need my therapist, and my cats. like i need to make sure that i don't have to move back east.

i'm lucky in one avenue. my dr. dr c. is th best dr i've ever come across. she tells me she's got a lot going on in her life outside of work, but when she's at work, when she's playing dr she is the most caring and compassiontate person i've ever met. really. she really cares, she really cares about me. when i stopped by to get a hug before i went to albany i got a couople of hugs and one thing she said was "drive carefully." it was almost a motherliy thing to say. yet she said it. and she knows i'm working really hard every day to battle this disease, and she says it.. "you are still breathing, you are doing great." and i see her weekly, and its because she wants to check on my condition, but i have a feeling she also knows that *i* need to see her, that i need to spend time with her every week, that i need her right now more than i need anyone, in someways more than i need my therapist. even though i do meed my therapist. i'm not sure what would happen if i had to leave dr c. i know things would take an even more serious downfall, and thats hard to believe. but i guess i'm lucky, my mom doesn't want to take me away from her. today i took her and her receptionist chocolate. they always joke about how they aren't takeing new pateients, unless you bring them chcoloate. but it was my way of saying thank you. thank you for doing all that you do for me and will continue to do for me. thank you for assuring me that my disease is disabling on the last day of fmla. it wasn't a lot, but it was euphoria chocolate (the eugene chocolatier). i didn't know what they liked so i got milk, dark, and peanut butter covered in chocolate. i couldn't affordit, but i can't afford to be without dr c. and her receptionist d (who's car i accidentally hit as i was backing out of dr c.s office, not much damage, thank the goddess, and she wasn't mad, so the chocolate was also an apology for doing that).

so,i'm terrfied at this point. and really all i want to do these days is be hugged by dr c. yeah, and my theraist. its just that i've not seen her this week, though she'd be impressed with the work i did. but i feel safer with dr c, cause its her signature all the forms. i only hope they believe her over the hr director. i can only hope. but 45 days, with my anxiety..

oh and did imention my food stamp card *did not* come, and i qualify as of tommorrow? and i'm a bit upset because my budget starting tommorrow was to grocery shop with that. i guess i'll be taking a trip to see my case worker on monday.

and then tuesday is the beginning of what will be an extremely painful tooth cleaning. but its in the morning and they've assured me i'll be able to talk by the time my therapist appt at 2.30.

i just need to make it through the weekend. and i don't have a lot of xanax. but i did connect with a new person who just moved here, i need to call heer tommorrow. but after reading all this she might not want to have anything to do with me, but if she does hopefully i'll make a new friend. which is nice. and she's poor too, which is good, because when you make friends with people who aren't poor they want to go out and spend money on things like dinner out and such, things i can't afford anymore.

okay, i'm rambling at this popint. well, i've been rambling for a long long time.

Posted by brooke at 02.37.38 AM