rivervision's attempt to figure it all out...

July 23, 2002
i'm writing

i'm writing. its 11pm pdt and i'm writing here.

i'm in the process of applying for long term disability through work. though that long term is only 24 months for those of us with mental illness. i'm also in the the process of applying for ssi and ssa. don't ask me what either stand for, but most people get the general gist.

its a terrifying process, because if i don't get the long term disability through work then i'm not sure what i'll do. i need it. luckily today i reassured myself in a strange way.

forms. lots of forms to fill out, and even more forms. its amazing how many forms they have you fill out. i thought i'd completed the forms for the long term insurance, but i hadn't. yesterday i got 3 more pieces of paper. they wanted to know my work history, my educational history, the doctors that i've seen, and the medications i've been on since the start date of this most recent illness. my doctor and i, and this weblog, figured out that this most recent episode, this one i've not been able to get under control, this episode that has only gotten worse, started january 2001.

so, i got all the forms filled out except for the medication form. they wanted to know the name, the dosage, the date it was prescribed and how many times a day i took it. luckily i called the insurance co this morning and they just said "look at the bottles.." ".....um, i don't have all the bottles, i only have the medication that i'm taking now." "well, the ones that you are taking now are what we are most interested in, but whatever other information you can give us would be helpful."

so i called d at my dear dr's office and asked if i could come over and go through my file to get all my medication information, she offered to read it over the phone, but i told her i needed the history, so i went on over and camped out on the floor of dr c's small waiting room for an hour and a half, going through the records of 2 prescribers and my current dr, writing down dates as i could and mgs, and the going back and writing in other dates when they'd been prescribed again by another doc. they didn't give any room for discussion of drugs used in combination or any room for explanation about why a depresssed person would use an anti-seizure drug (they are also used for mood stabilizers / to enhance the anti depressants) or why a depressed person would take an anti-psychotic (again, to enhance the anti-depressant), but i gave them what they wanted.

and i gave myself what i wanted. some reassurance. i really am sick. and this depression, this most recent bought of depression, its been a bad one. after i was done i asked d if she minded if i waited around to snag dr c for a hug, and of course she said yes--- office policy, ya need a hug and you are willing to wait, come on in. i got my hug and remarked to dr c. that after this l can't imagine not getting accepted, and she said that if i don't, we'll just write them--- she's nuts, she's really nuts and off she ran to cure the ills of her next patient, a 2.5 year old who i had spent sometime playing with, and in fact gave one of the toys i carry around with too.

and thats what i have to share now. i don't know how often i'll share. my depression is at its worst ever and the stress of whether i'll be accepted for long term disability is terrifying me. i don't know how i'm facing all this. k, my therapist, and dear dr c. assure me i'm strong enough to do it. i'm doing it day by day, sometimes hour to hour, sometimes moment to moment. but somehow i'm doing it. and the lessons i've been unable to learn from k for the past 3.5 years are finally starting to be learned, because now its just about me and my illness, and the pieces of wisdom that dear dr. c. shares with me every time i see her i'm working to make mine and not hers.

so yeah, thats that, till next time. take care all.

Posted by brooke at 11.56.15 PM