June 01, 2002
its late here

i've been debating about what to write here about whats been going on in my private life. not sure if i should write about it, glad that i haven't, but now that decisions are being made i've thought maybe i should talk about it.

its 12.30am pdt and i can't sleep. its because i'm afraid to sleep these days. my sleep is tortured when it comes naturally, and when it doesn't come unnaturally enough. i'm lucky though, i've got a good doc who believes that sleep should come in any form, naturally or unnaturally, and it doesn't matter how unnaturally it comes. throw as many drugs at it as i need, just as long as i can sleep. even if i have to risk readdiction to one of my drugs, as long as i sleep these days thats all that matters. she believes this so much that she's going to tell my therapist to leave me alone about taking the drug that i could get readdicted to.

right now i'm waiting for the drugs to kick in.

i've already watched 2 movies tonight, 2 movies which are very good. miss congeniality and a map of the world. one comedy, one definetly not comedy. sandra bullock and sigourney weaver. both beautiful women. i'm about to put on the final movie, michael collins, which gl has said is very good. and it comes with a documentary as an added feature, but i don't plan on getting that far tonight. hell, i don't plan on making it very far through the movie itself. i've got important things to do tommorrow... namely tracking down the cute dyke from smith family and seeing if she'd like to have tea sometime. she was delightful to talk to the other day, and i don't know why i didn't ask her then, but i didn't have the courage. luckily i've got an excuse to go back and talk to her. mk's is gonna carry those books we talked about, and oh yeah, wanna borrow my copy of tthe second coming of joan of arc?.

lets see, i've gotten this far and i still haven't talked about my private life, something i've been able to do so easily in the past. maybe i don't want to talk about it. i guess my life is in such turmoil that even though a decision of a plan of action has been made i'm still rather terrified of it all.

i'm grateful though. i've got a family who is more than supportive. my mother has been especially supportive, and tonight she surprised me. in the past she's questioned my therapist, but tonight she said that she knew i was in good hands with my caregivers and she wants to keep my in their hands. thats a long way that she's come, and i'm glad. i trust my caregivers an immense amount. i don't know what i would do without k my therapist or c, my doctor. i imagine that i'd be in even more dire straits, and that i'd be even more scared than i am now. though c has been holding the reigns for the past couple of traumatic weeks, k has remained a quiet and steady presence, willing to take the riegns back as c goes on a much needed break. k says to me we'll get you through this. she assures me i'm not alone. and c, c has learned to hug with 2 shoulders and not one, i think just because i told her i didn't like hugging straight women who hugged with one shoulder. yes, she is trainable, as am i.

and then there are my friends. esp the ones i am proud to call family now. friends that i told my father over and over that i didn't want to leave. he comes home and gives her a kiss and then me one. and i'm one of the pack, just ask f! my friends have been a constant support through this and allow me to be afraid and silly, all at the same time if i need too.

so, i'm not sure what else i should say. maybe thats all i'll say for now, because my private life is my private life, and being in such turmoil it should stay that way.

i have given myself a remeberance now of something for the past 2 weeks. thts what i do, i go back and i look to see what i was doing and when. what i had to say about my illness then. thats fortunate, and in someways its unfortunate that i've not been more public. but it just doesn't feel right right now. so until then i'll leave these cryptic messages for myself to go back and read later.

and now, now its time for a new movie.

Posted by brooke at 12.38.29 AM

May 31, 2002
what i want

i was in mother kalis today and somehow we got on the subject of packing.

its a little known fact (or re: it was) that i enjoy packing. what is packing you say? for those of you not initiated, packing is wearing a dildo in public. yes, a woman wearing a fake penis out in public. and its something i enjoy doing, but haven't done since i've been in oregon, because no matter how determined i was to get my stormy leather harness and dildo out here, it didn't seem to come. and now mom, well, in her cleaning out of my stuff, has thrown it away... completly repulsed and with the excuse "you said i could throw away anything i wanted!"... no mom, not a 100.00 dildo and stormy leather harness. no mom, you were supposed to tell me it got left there (*duh* thats where it was) so i could stop thinking that it was somewhere in my apt.

so, yes, so i was in mother kalis today and we were talking about packing, and now my urge is only growing. my urge to re-get a dildo and harness is getting worse. only right now, and for the long time coming, i won't have 100.00 to spend on anything that fun.

and i'm bummed. cause with my long hair and my love for dresses, packing here would be so much fun. when i was packing before i was attempting to be a hard core butch dyke.. short hair, only pants. that didn't last long and i became me again, growing my hair out and delighting in a wonderfully comfortable dress. so now it would be even more fun.. a great genderfuck. thats what i like, the genderfuck. its such a delight. and now, here in hippie land, it would be even more delightful.

but i can't, and i'm bummed, and i think my mother should buy me a brand new stormy leather harness and dildo. i told her this and she said no. but still think she should, just cause i'm a greedy 29 year old kid like that. but its not greedy, its the principle of the thing. she threw it out, so she should replace it! ha!

so, i'll shut up now about packing. i know it creeps some of my readers out. but i'm sure some of you will enjoy this immensely :) and i can imagine that others will just be puzzled.

okay, i'm going to watch movies now, i got dvds. love the dvds.

Posted by brooke at 07.35.44 PM

jeanne

milla jovovich as jeanne romee, aka joan of arc.

lets see, what to say? i've known the story of jeanne for a very short period. i was introduced to her story by carolyn gage who came to the u of ore. and performed her one womyn monologue the second coming of joan of arc. that was probably a year or so ago. maybe longer. her play for me was not a story about jeanne but instead a play about radical feminism. it was for me the first time i had heard my radical lesbian feminist voice in a space not defined as rlf space. it was the rlf voice that had me in awe, the story of joan of arc was just the vessel in which it was delivered.

so, a couple of weeks ago my dear friend gl let me borrow some dvds. one of the dvds i borrowed was the messenger. thats where the picture above is from. its from the messenger. a beautifully done movie, one that i thought would totally disrepsect the jeanne i had gotten to know from the second coming of joan of arc, one that didn't.

so now i, like many others, have developed a facination for jeanne. what she did and how she did it and why she did it.

there's something i can connect with in jeanne. her passion, her spirit, but mostly her knowledge that what she was doing was the right thing and no one was going to stop her from doing it. she burned at the stake because she believed so much in herself, because she believed so much that she was right.

it takes a lot of courage to stand up and do what you believe is right. it takes a lot of courage to not allow anyone to stand in your way of doing the right thing. it takes a lot of courage to follow through, even under immense pressure. its courage that i can only hope i have 1/10th of. its belief that i only hope i have 1/10th of.

i've picked up vita sackville-west's biography about jeanne. it'll be the first book i'll be reading on jeanne. there are a couple of others at smith family that i'll read too. both respectful of who she was as a woman.

from talking to gl yesterday, and from reading the second coming of joan of arc, which is based greatly on vita sackville-wests biography, i know that the way she has been used as a saint is a great disrespect of her. she isn't a saint, she is instead a woman of great power, who rescued a country. she shouldn't be used as a religious object, she should instead be celebrated as a very important historical figure.

so yeah, i've found a new woman to admire. one that i hope will inspire me to stick by myself and know what is right. one that i hope will allow me to move forward as me and not compromise myself in any way.

Posted by brooke at 09.20.34 AM

May 30, 2002
grateful for lisa, faith, and patti.

the last week in blogland has been one filled with intense turmoil. i've caused some of it, and i don't care. i said what i said and that was that.

but you know what? when i'm driving down the highway heading home and thinking about the days events in blogland its not all the ickiness and such that i think about, its well..

its lisa that i think about. i think about how lisa emailed me a long time ago in response to a post i made on another website about not finding community that so many others had found in blogland. i don't know how long ago that was, but it was long ago enough to go through the kaycee nicole mess together.

yeah, i remember emailing lisa the day we found out "kaycee nicole" was going home to die. i remember being in touch the day we found out she died. and we were in touch when everything hit the fan. in fact i still have an email from her thanking me for making her laugh during those rough times.

when i'm driving down the highway i think about how incredibly blessed i am that she and i found each other. if it weren't for kaycee nicole, if it werent for blogland i wouldn't have found her. and i'm grateful everyday that we found each other. though i've never met lisa face to face, she has become one of my dearest friends. she's there through the hard times, she holds my hand. she's there through the goofy times, she laughs with me (and at me). she lets me support her through the tough times.

i have become a huge fan of her son. i think he's an incredible spirit, even though i've never met him. but i know all about his antics, and his not-antics. i have a letter from him up at work, because he makes me smile. and the picture i have of him, i show it off to my friends... "yeah, thats c, my friend lisa's son... you should hear some of the things he does!" and when lisa and i are on the phone one of my most favorite things is to hear his voice in the background.... "zzzaat < nickname >???" hehehehehe

and so lisa. i love her. and i think about her as i'm driving down the highway, thinking about blogland.. thinking about real life.

and then there's someone new. someone that is amazing that i can now call a friend. yeah, faith. there's faith now. i also think about faith as i'm driving down the highway.

i've been stalking faith since the kaycee nicole days, though we never became friends back then. but i did spend a lot of time thinking, she's a lot like me. thats why i went back and read her as much as i did. because i saw a bit of me in her.

but like lisa, faith is an unexpected friend. we have such different backgrounds. but, i don't know what it is about faith, like lisa.. but i've come to value faith in my life as a friend. i've only talked to her on the phone a couple of times, but i love those conversations. she makes me laugh like i never would have thought. and she understands things in my life that i never would have thought.

and so, when i'm driving down the highway, i also think about faith. and how grateful i am that she and i have become friends.

and there's even patti. we've not talked in a long time, but we've been admirers of each other since those kaycee nicole days. patti is wonderful and beautiful person. patti inspires me to be a better writer. patti inspires me to be a better designer. she's helped me through some tough times. and, again, though we've not talked in a long time, i'm grateful for her place in my bloglife.

and there are others. folks that i'm hoping we'll become closer friends. but i name these three women because even in the midst of all this blog crap i see them as being grounding forces. constants. constants since i started blogging.

and so thats whats been on my mind. gratefulness for shared experiences. gratefulness for friendships. gratefulness for incredible people that beyond blog controversies still remain there. gratefulness for them, and the place they allow me in their lives.

Posted by brooke at 09.19.59 AM

May 29, 2002
she's *my* friend

to those of you not caught in the middle of a brawl right now, go read lisa's brilliance about neutrality!

and for me, i should pay attention to her.

and finally.. i'm gonna brag a second. for those of you not lucky enough to be her friend.. nanny nanny nah nah! she's my friend, and not yours.... nanny nanny nah nah! hehehehehehehehe

Posted by brooke at 06.01.00 PM

stiles

looky what i got from wnba.com:

you know who that is? thats jackie stiles who plays for the portland fire.

tonight is the first game for the fire and the ny liberty. i have no bets on who will win. i don't care. i just care that the women are playing again. i only wish their season was longer.

(btw, i also wish that my arms looked like jackie's)

Posted by brooke at 01.22.34 PM

comment on a comment

the following was posted by Dasha, dashak@visi.com, in response to my post about the dykewrite ring and allowing men in:

I've said it before in here and I'll say it again:
1) You aren't a member of Dyke Write. 2) The ring members were polled on this
and wanted Hoopty in. 3) You don't have a right to comment on it because you
aren't a member. 4) Each community, online and not, has a right to decide who
belongs.
5) If you don't like it, don't go there. 6) If you really don't like it, start
your own community, like the RealTrueGirlsOnlyDykes ring. 7) Otherwise, please
keep your mouth shut.

and i'll say this.. THIS IS MY SPACE, AND I GET TO SAY WHATEVER I WANT..

please keep my mouth shut.. now isn't that adult. obviously i've pissed this person off, and you know what, according to alix dobkin, thats good.. because i've made her think.

the gall that people have.. coming here and telling me to keep my mouth shut. oooooohhh.. you don't know who you are fucking with as far as keeping my mouth shut. I DON'T DO THAT..

what are you going to do, sick a man on me? hate me? tell everyone that i'm a big mean dyke?

oh wait all that has been tried before. and you know what? IT DOESN'T SHUT ME UP.

i get to say whatever i want.

i STILL think its wrong to define space as dyke and allow a man in it. it needs to be redefined as dyke-male space. consider me speaking for women who would surf through the ring and be unhappily surprised to find a man there. i know lots of them. i know a whole lot of them.

if this space were in real time, you'd find a lot more objections than just mine. you'd find women not going there. UNLESS you redefined the space as dyke - anyone space.. which, if that happened, i'd have NO objections whatsoever.. but as defined right now it is only dyke space.

i still can't believe it. the gall that someone has to come to MY space and tell me to shut up. okay, i'll give her that, she's got chutzpah. but beyond that, she has no respect for the open exchange of ideas between people.

HAVE YOU BOTHERED TO CHECK OUT THE FIRST AMENDMENT? i can say whatever i want!

in fact over there --> there is now a link to a place where you can get a copy of the anarchists cookbook. and you know what? NO ONE can tell me i can't read that book. NO ONE can tell me i can't take it anywhere i want. you know why? because of the first amendment.. FREEDOM OF SPEECH.. yes, not even the fbi can tell me i can't read that book. and in these days and ages you can bet they aren't happy that its out there. just like people aren't happy that i have openly voiced a dissenting dyke opinion about allowing a male into DEFINED dyke space.

no, NO ONE can tell me to shut up. that takes balls, balls that apparently this woman doesn't have because she can't take critisism. i've got them.. they might be latex, but i got them.

*shaking my head*.. ya gotta admire her for attempting to tell me to shut the fuck up. you gotta admire the stupidity.

oh yeah.. and Dasha-- consider this a personal attack on you.

see, i told y'all i'd make it obvious if i was attacking someone :)

Posted by brooke at 08.35.54 AM

May 28, 2002
proud queer

nico posts about queers and pride.. specificially he says:

I watched a gay guy on tv, he thought it was strange that many people say they're proud to be homosexual. He has a point. I mean, to be proud of something you haven't done anything to achieve. It's something you just are. Like being heterosexual. Personally I've never met people who say they're proud to be heterosexual. Are those gay folks proud because they think being homosexual is better than being heterosexual, like some folks are proud to be white or proud to be men? I don't get it. It's not like I had to work my ass off to be bisexual, so what is there to be proud of.

i responded. and i'm posting it here.

it does take work. it does take work to be a well adjusted queer person. it takes a hell of a lot of work to throw off society's homophobia, it takes a hell of a lot of work to be able to be honest about the gender of your spouse/partner/etc.. when you know that it is a possibility that you will get a negative reaction from at least one person because of it.

did you pay attention to what happened in roanoke, va in the year 2000? if you didn't, go here and see it. i did, i did because even though i was safely in oregon if i had made a different choice i could very well have been there that night, at that bar, the night that one person was killed and 6 others were injured just because they were gay and lesbian. if i had decided to stay in roanoke instead of moving to eugene i could have been one of those.

i also paid attention when matthew sheppard died. and i paid attention when the two lesbians in medford, oregon died... because they were lesbians. and i've read and reread the book Eight Bullets.. the true story of an attack on a lesbian couple who were hiking on the appalachian trail in pennsylvania.. stalked, shot at, one killed, because they were two women kissing.

oh yeah.. and during the campaign of 2000 i paid attention when death threats were made against a lesbian student here in eugene by other students.

i'm not sure how much i should go on about this. and i can't imagine you not getting my point.

you might not think it doesn't take any work to be queer, but it takes more work than you can imagine.

and so yeah.. i'm damn proud. i'm damn proud of myself that i'm not afraid to drive in rural appalachia, rural oregon, flaunting my queer colors. i'm damn proud that i have the courage to be out about who i am. i'm damn proud that when others tell me i should take my rainbow off my car, that i shouldn't use the word lesbian, because of fear of getting hurt, i ignore them. i'm damn proud that i have the courage to do it.

in this world where whether i should be afforded all rights as those who love people of the opposite sex is still being debated, i'm proud. i'm more proud everyday.

Posted by brooke at 10.33.38 AM

May 27, 2002
reposting my original dykewrite space.

the following was posted on 5-23, i took it down because i hurt someone. but, i've never been one to shy away from controversy, and i've done a lot of thinking about taking this down.

i have decided that it is a topic that needs to be discussed. men in dyke space is a controversial topic. fuck just ask the michigan womYn's music festival about transsexuals and transgendered folks in womYn space.

i have my beliefs and this is my space. the person i hurt was not ment to be hurt, and this is not an attack on anyone in the dykewrite ring, except hoopty. if i want to attack someone in the dykewrite ring, i will openly do it, the person being attacked will have no doubt that they are being attacked by me.

this is MY space. these are MY thoughts, and i will do with this and them as i want. yes, personal relationships are sticky things but so is my relationship with myself. when i post in this space i have to take into account both me and others. and i hope that others can respect that when it comes down to me and them, i usually win.. but if you come to me outside of here, you'll find that others, that you, usually win. if i could mention her name, i would.. just ask the mystery blogger how much she won when we took it beyond this space.

anyhow. here is the post about dykewrite and dyke space:

so, i've just discovered that hoopty has become a member of dykewrite..

you think the previous thing pissed me off? now, THIS is a personal offense.. and, again, i don't give a shit who i piss off.

excuse me. but as defined a dyke is a woman. now, yes, that definition of woman is not written in stone. i believe that a male to female transitioned woman who identifies as dyke is just as welcome into the dyke fold as, say, me.. a person didn't transition. i also believe that dyke is what one WOMAN, WOMYN, WOMON, defines herself as. i have a friend who is married to a man. she is still a dyke, because if this man hadn't come along she wouldn't be with men. its kinda like that straight girl who gets involved with a self-identified dyke but is NOT REALLY a dyke. no, my friend is not really a straight chick, or even a bi-chick. she is 100% dyke.

now that said. hoopty is a mysoginistic asshole, from everything i've read. hoopty has no respect for women, hoopty is what he is, but the term DYKE, its a honor. and men, no MEN are not dykes.

i don't believe that hoopty could move about in dyke circles.. well, maybe a few.. but all of our many circles and all of our many identities... does he even give a shit about the word FEMINISM? yes, i know that there are dykes who don't identify as feminists, but they certainly are.

it pisses me off that a group of women would so denegrate the word dyke, the identity of dyke, the community that is dyke, to let a man in. dyke space is not for men. not in any way whatsoever. there is a time and a place for dyke - male space.. but if you have defined space as being dyke, then do that. keep it female only.. respect that some dyke sisters don't feel comfortable around men. respect that hoopty.. that NO MAN.. or fuck, most straight women, don't understand the intricicies of who we are as a dyke community.

yes, we have our own norms, our own words. we have us, as dykes. and the things that could be accomplished by a place like dykewrite, will no longer be able to be accomplished.

you let a mysoginist into dyke space and you have just let down a lot of women.

hoopty is an asshole, he is a big asshole. and the dykes that have welcomed into their space have only devalued space that should be valued. the dykes that have welcomed a man into dyke space.. i'm sorry for them because they can't keep the patriarchy out, because they have been so wooo-ed by someone that they taint dykespace.

Posted by brooke at 12.53.17 PM

May 26, 2002
sunday full moon

full moon today at 6.51am pdt, that means tonight is a full moon ritual. one that i've planned.. it'll be short and sweet, and hopefully everyone will appreciate it. its not going to be as ritualistic and ceremonial as most of my rituals are.. i've not gone to great length to do that... i've gone to great length to make sure that we honor her and that we honor our friend jesse.

today is jesse's birthday. and we are fortunate enough to be able to celebrate it with her. she's a strong butch dyke, her partner is butch, like me. soft butch. a nice friendly butch. loving and caring.

the catch to this, and i share it here because they don't read this space, is that it could be jesse's last birthday. she has serious liver failure and though she struggles to live, her health continues to decline.

i don't know jesse very well. but i've known about her for quite a long time. i fought for her inclusioin in another circlle and left it because members of that circle didn't want someone as ill as her to be a part of it.

nasty dyke drama, but i felt i needed to do whatever it was that i could to support jesse and her partner. and i was not the only one that left.

so today, today is a short sweet ritual... about rainbows. and at the end i will honor jessee with a silk ivy crown and her partner with a boquet of silk flowers.. not to die, to live on.

Posted by brooke at 03.13.59 PM