rivervision's attempt to figure it all out...

May 17, 2002

so, i've decided that basketball is much better in person than on tv. i can't stand to watch it on tv, well, except to watch goregous amazonian women sweat, but in person i'm there yelling and stomping and clapping with the best of them.

got to see the portland fire scrimmage tonight. free game at willamette high.. no jackie stiles but that was okay... because jenny mowe was there, and to be honest, she was mainly who i and the rest of the crowd cared about. only problem... she didn't play much, but she did score. and you know what? jenny mowe is one big chick. amazonian. truly amazonian. anyhow, i fear for her future on the team. i don't know when final cuts are made, but its soon, and i can only hope that she gets to stay. oh yeah, and for those of you not in the know, jenny mowe was a star at the university of ore.. a star, a fan favorite, mowetown. yeah, and you thought that motown was detroit? nu uh.. i've never been to a u of o bball game... but if one player can cause that much ruckus, then i can't even begin to imagine what a whole lot of them would cause. it must just be amazing.

anyhow. it was a nice way to spend a couple of hours. though its been a long day full of ups and downs. got to spend unexpected time with janelle. so nice. and some rambling with the women over at mother kali's.

my soul is tired, my heart afraid to sleep. luckily i've got xanax and i no longer care about getting hooked. until i get a psych consult, i'll eat the stuff like candy if it helps me get rest. i've cried today more than i cried for my grandmother and grandfather. in some way i think i'm crying the tears i've not cried over the last year.. i don't cry when i'm depressed. maybe this is good.

anyhow. i've exposed way to much of myself. time to curl up with a cat or 2 and let the xanax do its work.

Posted by brooke at 08.57.02 PM

nothing

i just got home from my drs. office. there's nothing else she can do for my depression.

Posted by brooke at 01.42.58 PM

insomnia

i'm recording this for some kind of posterity. anyhow, it is 2.05am pacific time. i have been up since yesterday at 3.30am pacific time. i have taken 1/2 of a xanax, which got rid of some of the shaking.. and i also took an extra strength sominex. in the past 1/2 of an extra strength sominex would put me out all night... and 1/4 of a xanax alone would put me out. i've meditated, i've chanted, i've watched 1/2 of shakespeare in love on dvd (which i have to say, the extra 35.00 i spent on this audigy souncard is WELL worth it... and even the old monitor is better than a vhs and my tv.. but some time i'm gonna have to get a nice big flat screen), i've even found my orgasm again (its been lost for awhile). nada, nothing. oh yeah, and did i mention a call to the therapists answering machine? i'm just about to install domino and attempt to get that @DbLookup working (anyone with experience with getting an @DbLookup in a text field to key off a dilouge box that is using @DbColumn to create the list of choices, and then populate itself based on the choice made in the dialouge list?)

so, i'll be calling in sick, another day, to work. i'm NOT happy about this. AT ALL. but i'll be in no shape to drive 45 miles to work and back... and i have to see my dr. tommorrow, because this, and the pain, and the hypomania is just unacceptable. and i desperately need her help. even if i have to walk in there, tell d- the receptionist- NOW. i need to see HER (dr c.) NOW. its been mission critical that i see her for a week. she said today. and now i say NOW. its either her or the hospital, and that is unacceptable. the therapist would like to see me in the hospital, i would NOT like to see me there. so, its dr. c. or i become a caged lion on the johnson unit, have to miss the fire, and not get any better because all i'll be doing is pacing from one room to another because i can't get out. and i hate the therapy they do there, its for beginners... and i AM NOT a therapy beginner.. i don't need therapy 101 "lets rate how you are feeling so you can be more aware".. fuck that shit i've been doing that for years. i'm at phd level therapy now. "its a given i feel like shit. thats like 10 print "hi" 20 goto 10.. lets talk about the pain. lets delve deeply into my psyche. lets do real work instead of busy therapy work." and the kicker of the whole ordeal... if you get just the right angle looking out the windows of the main room.... you can see the Mother Kali's Books sign. i'm in a place i can't get out of, and mother kali's isn't a friend, it taunts me with its freedom, my freedom, my love of books and my love of that bookstore and all i can do is look at part of the sign.

anyhow. hypomanic is coming back. 7 hours till dr. c's office opens. i hate this. and it scares me.

oh, and a word to the wise.. don't cold turkey off psychotropic drugs. yes, this is ALL MY FAULT.

okay, i'm gonna go see if i've got that handy dandy domino cd around here.

Posted by brooke at 02.22.30 AM

May 16, 2002
night time blessings.

its been a long day. i've been up since 3.30am pdt. but i'm back here. how do i say it? i'm not a poet. just a chick with a typewriter and webspace. oh wait, keyboard. yes, keyboard, optical mouse, and webspace. and i know how to use all 3.

i'll go to sleep tonight with nice thoughts in my head. that was nice. thank you. i'm so glad. thanks for making me smile. i hope friday is wonderful for you. did you get more work done? does the work feel good? i hope so. and how is your little lion? is she feeling better? you make me smile. smile wider than anyone has made me smile in a really really long time. i only wish i could put it as well as you have.

and now, now i say goodnight, good blessings.

Posted by brooke at 08.57.58 PM

wnba

yesterday i was reminded that the wnba season is upon us. teams are making their final cuts, and are playing exhibition games.

tommorrow the portland fire will be in eugene. i hope to make it. there's bound to be lots of people there, jenny mowe, a former u of oregon star (in fact there are bumper stickers that say "MOWETOWN" still on people's cars), is on the fire. she's not the star, but in the hearts of eugene fans, she's our star. i hope she makes the cut again this year.. i hope she doesn't end up on the injured list most of the season like she did last year.

i've been a fan of the wnba since the first season.. since i got to see charlotte sting play the phoenix mercury.. michelle timms at point guard and cheryl miller coaching.. and nicole levesque (i think thats how its spelled), a player who only got one year in the league, a player proving that short chicks can play ball too.. my heart, went pitter-patter throughout the whole game.

i've followed the drama of the comets three-peating for #10. a few tears even shed when we all found out that #10, kim perrot, died... she.. she the heart of the houston comets.. wasn't even supposed to be on the team, a player from out of the blue, a player that van chancellor and cynthia cooper saw something special in.

and i still have a crush on t-spoon. the drama on her face, the passion in her play, her love of the game- its what i look for, its what i find irressitable in a woman. and how can i not mention the ever steady sue wicks, the best #6 in the whole league.

hopefully this year i'll get to another game. if not, i'll just keep watching on my tv, and staying current at wnba.com. and i'll celebrate another successful season of incredible game, hoping that the sting or the fire go on to win the championship, but really not caring. for me, for 3 months out of the year, its the joy of the league, the joy of a game, the joy of so many women getting to follow their dreams.

Posted by brooke at 10.48.08 AM

my heart

mid hour break

*BOLT AWAKE*

my heart leaps.

oh my.

must concentrate now. so very hard. fuck.

Posted by brooke at 09.18.10 AM

gardening lions.

i'm still gardening. i've been gardening all week. gardening is good for the soul, thats what my inner ear says, thats what my inner self says. garden, garden at the top of your lungs, garden late at night, garden early in the morning before even the roosters have woken. garden and drink and habit and produce. it looks nice. a message for those left. they'll know now.

hospital. laughing out loud at hospitals. thats what i'm told. i'm told i should be there, i'm told i'd be safer there.

caged lion i yell back. i stalk the rooms like a starved caged lion. i can't stop moving. thats what i tell them. all alone and nothing binary. they won't let me have anything binary. caged lion with nothing binary. stuck all alone, more alone than now. thats what i say to those who say hospital. she knows that. she knows i can get out of the cage. she knows i'll leave. she knows not to fight with a lion that should be caged.

yes. i see myself as a lion these days. a lion with a thorn in its heart. a lion with a thorn in its heart, instead of its paw. no mouse can pull this out. no one knows how to help. no one knows what to do. one more thing we'll try. we'll try this. and you, lionyou, live with that thorn. it hurts, but live with that thorn in your heart. thats all i can do.

night times with pinball, cellphones, and gubenetorial candidates. i become passionate again. i'll vote for you, i say. goddess willing i'll vote for you and work with you. goddess willing. morning brings early games, early morning brings painful polls. early morning brings the lion, ready to fight for her. i'll fight. what can i do? i believe in you. its more than just an election i feel, its life. like 2000. pulsating, the last week. the work has been done, and i, i can do nothing but vote. i can do nothing but ignore painful polls. i can only do what i can do. if only i could do more. this is life. our lives.

and again i arrive. i arrive at work, my early morning activities so far gone away. seems like yesterday. it wasn't, i'm reminded by the hurt on my head. it wasn't, i'm reminded by more news. its morning, and again i am here.

Posted by brooke at 08.09.07 AM

May 15, 2002

curled up in my bed, my arms in front of my heart, like the day fiona lunged at me. the pain, the hurt, the fear, i don't want fiona to hurt me. i don't want my heart to hurt.

reprieve comes. sleep is my best friend. reprieve comes, dreams come, i am kate. kate with tatie and michael, sam and jonah. kate taking care of her mother. i become her in my dreams. i go everywhere she goes. my heart gets help.

morning comes. lets see if i can keep it away. it lurks there. one day not at work, one day at work. today is work. today. more gardening. more gardener, avoiding the songs that tell me to go save the world, drinking the ones that tell me to go save myself.

i'm good she says. i'm good, but come see me, she says. its not enough i say. does she understand? i don't know. i need her to know. i need her to know that good isn't enough. that dreams should be enjoyed. i need her to hear me. i doubt she does.

my computer. the other end. a friend thats been there, a friend i found through a dream. found through common social politics. the other end and we're up past our bedtimes. tommorrow i say. tommorrow. yes tommorrow.

the goddess. sometimes i yell and scream. i don't blame her. no, don't ever blame the goddess. its not her fault. the goddess is there, she does no wrong. no secrets, no damning me to hell. the goddess, she accepts me.

i tire easily. the pain comes to easily. don't think i say. just do.

Posted by brooke at 08.45.47 AM

May 13, 2002
well, fuck a duck..

i just read this. and then i turned this color and thought... "if only she lived in eugene.... (of course she'd have to approve my application.)"

Posted by brooke at 03.07.20 PM

< in the know >

< in the know >

pssst. douglas county is going out of business. the WHOLE county. all the malls, shops, businesses of all sorts. pass it on.

< / in the know >

< more in the know >

a final fatherly pat on the back. handshakes to the men. "i'm leaving." the mouse leaves us rushing around, work-as-normal.. "don't forget," i say. "i won't," he says. i pause, work-as-not-normal, our leader leaves us as he was here with us, quietly.

< / more in the know. >

Posted by brooke at 11.24.43 AM

song lyrics.

monday morning and song lyrics continue to tell the story of my life. i've been listening to the cd "gardener" by the no-longer-existing band rebecca riots. i've also been listening to disc 2 of the song track to rent.

how did we get here, how the hell?.... how did i get here.. how the hell? christmas, christmas eve last year.. how could a morning this mild be so raw?

i'm trying to find my voice that i loved so much. the voice that could sit in front of this < textarea > and pour out something quality. the voice that would draw me back over and over through the day...

i'd be happy to die for a taste of what angel had.. someone to live for, i'm afraid to say i love you..

i'm trying to find that voice that made me proud. that knew that i had some kind of talent. a talent that needed nuturing, a talent that needed guidance, a talent that didn't involve my body, one that involved my mind. something new for me.

i try to find something to blame. but for once there is nothing to blame. its such a cliche, but now i just need to dig deep. i need to find my fire again.

saturday i had fire. saturday i had to drive north, and so i decided to drive further north. saturday. saturday the wanderlust that had taken me on so many familiar trips throughout the southeast was my guide. a familiar trip north, to mecca. at least thats what i call powells.

gardener.

at the top of my lungs. i needed water. i needed to cough. i needed to feel myself again.

80mph down the highway, seeing the ins and outs of the fastest path. like running a river, the safest route, the route that'll keep me going, the route that'll keep my voice going, my self still.going.

me. myself. and i. on saturday. only this time it was west, only this time it wasn't mount airy near the halfway point i looked too, this time it was mt. hood... if the weather was right. and there she stood... the goddess in all her mighty... a hallucination? pinch myself, no. its real.. it just looks like a painting.

i've been talking to the goddess a lot lately. the goddess is real. years of looking and i finally know that something not seen is real. i don't know how i know, and what the goddess is can't be defined, but i know she exists... in so many forms. and i, i am blessed with her presence in my life. i am blessed with the knowledge that she exists in my life........ in the form of kali and baba yaga, in the form of ava and smudge, in the form of mt. hood and the 3 sisters.

mecca and i find myself taken in by sylvia plath. mecca and a baby.... crying. "don't wanna go, don't wanna go mama".. "the baby has learned," i think. "the baby gets it. at 3 years old the baby doesn't want to leave the bookstore," i think, "the baby knows."

my fire.

israel and palestine. european settlers and first nations people. there is a parallel. stolen land, wars, holocausts, degredation, power over. you'll get it if you see it. i'll understand it better when i write it.

but now, now i must work.

Posted by brooke at 08.09.50 AM