« agh! |
Main
| lost? »
my grandmother, 2 years ago
it was 2 years ago today that my grandmother died. on that day i had no idea what the future would be like without her, i had no idea that instead of missing her less as each year went by, i would only miss her more.
the woman drove me nuts. the last few years of her life i refused to go to her house because of the negative energy between her and my grandfather. the argued constantly and i couldn't take it. she was miserable and he was to. but i loved her.
one of my favorite things to do was to call her and talk to her about this and that. we usually talked for an hour at a time. i called on a regular basis, even though some conversations were stressful for me (and her). we loved each other.
i didn't go to her funeral. in hindsight i wish i did. from what i heard about what was said, i know i needed to be there, i wish i'd said what i needed to say. there was so much about my grandmother that our extended family didn't know. i could have portrayed her as the loving open hearted woman that she really was, not the god fearing close minded woman that most people thought she was.
i miss her. i miss my grandmother a whole lot. and i love her. but i have no regrets about the time i didn't spend with her in person in the last years of her life.
the following is something i wrote about her on 27 november 2000, 3 weeks before she died. my grandmother got to read it. my mom said she cried when she did, it made her so happy. my father told me that she told him about it when he visited her. it made me incredibly happy to know that she knew how much i loved her. what i didn't know was this was my good-bye to her, and i know that it couldn't have been a more perfect one.
my grandmother
you know, its pretty awful that it takes something like her being really sick for me to realize the impact that she's had on my life. i guess i thought she'd live forever, and now its really hitting home that she isn't.
when my grandfather died i told everyone that i was close to him. i proudly carry his last name, his blonde hair and blue eyes, his face, his head of stone. yeah, we were close. but this seems different.
she drives me crazy. she's driven me crazy since i was about 11 years old when i started to recognize the vast differences between my emerging liberal beliefs and her strong conservative leanings.
but before i started growing up and before i started to understand the vast differences between us i was a kid. i was a kid who spent weeks upon weeks at her house during the summer. i was a kid who would wake up every morning and eat waffles while watching tv. i was a kid who would go shopping at the px with my grandmother and then come home and model all the wonderful new clothes for my grandfather. i was a kid who looked forward to christmas and spending time with her. i was a kid who knew that my grandmother was the best grandmother because she made the best fudge every christmas. i was a kid who simply loved her grandmother because she loved me back.
then i became the person who started to understand the differences between liberal and conservative. between pro-choice and pro-life, between those who believed in god and those who didn't. i always stood on the opposite side from my grandmother. and i always let her know it. and she drove me crazy because of it.
but you know, she continued to love me, and even though i viewed her as being so different from me i continued to spend time on the phone with her. i always thought i spent that time on the phone with her because i had too, but i've realized that thats not the reason. the reason is because, simply, i love her. and i enjoy our conversations, our arguments, about various moral and political subjects. both of us coming at each other not from our brains, but from our hearts.
i'm not sure why it takes something like my grandmother being this sick for me to realize how important she is too me. she is the one.. the one who watches pat robertson on tv, the one who voted for reagan, and both bushes.. the one who when i called and told her about my girlfriend wanted a picture of her.
and its awful that it has taken this illness for me to realize all that she means to me and all that she has become to me. i have fought and kicked my way to being an adult. i have demanded respect and equal treatment from her and everyone around me. i've worked to become friends with my parents, my aunts, my uncles. i always looked at her as someone who i could never achieve that with.. but i think its only with friends that you can argue about the things that you hold dear to your heart and come out on the other side knowing that you still love each other.
i've not found the words yet to properly voice what she is too me, and hopefully i will, and hopefully she'll hear them.
grandmother. boxing opponent. friend. grandmother.
-mbr
posted by m. brooke r 11:57 AM
i love you gammy. you know i do. i continue too, and always will......
Posted by brooke at December 12, 2002 11.36.36 AM
Comments
*hugs* the anniversary of my beloved grandma's death is coming up in a few days. i miss her so.
Posted by Roni at December 13, 2002 8:42 AM
Post a comment
