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new day.
new day. new drug. new clothes (free). new anxiety. same tears, same fears. lexapro, released on the 5th. lexapro and my old friend topamax. topamax is also prescribed to loose weight. i like that. depakote wasn't my friend.. it caused me to gain weight.
okay, okay.. i'm being rather hypocritical. LOVE YOUR BODY, BE A FAT FEMINIST!!! yes. yes. yes. i agree.
but this is my body, and that drug made my body my no longer body. VERY FEW people in eugene knew me before.
i had a doctor make ME question MY body. i KNOW my body. and i gained weight. i was on the depakote and i gained weight like you wouldn't believe. and a doctor that i was SUPPOSED TO TRUST, told me it was MY fault.
see, i know my body. at least as a young person i know my body. i behaved the same way in the 8 months i was on depakote that i behaved for nearly 4 years, and what happened to my body in 4 years DID NOT happen in 8 months.
and see, i trusted this guy. i trusted this doctor. you are supposed to trust them. and when they say its a then you believe them. for some fucked up reason i didn't listen to my own intuition. i didn't understand. all i knew was being depressed, a new job, 3000 miles away from my home, actually making an effort to conquer this thing that had chased me for years, making an effort to get rid of the thing i thought i could leave by 5 days on the road, 2974 miles traveled.
but i figured it out, all along that it was a lie. that i should have been questioning him all along. i did some research about another drug. see, this doc got caught by a blood test. he got caught blaming me by a simple blood test, one that at first he didn't think we should do, but then changed his mind. yeah, that was a different drug.
so, the weight thing. you've now read the shortness of a long story that goes on to this day. the reason why the topomax is so important to me. because it will un do the damage caused. it will un-depakote my body.
and i don't know how un-depakoted my body will become. ultimately, i'd like to end up in the clothes i arrived in oregon in. but that might not happen. and the rest, the rest of the un-depakoting... i'm on disability now. i can start to focus on me. my job NOW is me. so, the rest of the un-depakoting, hopefully i'll get to the point where i can do it on my own. something i've been unable to do.
see.. so thats why FOR ME the topamax is what i want. and yes, people should be proud of their bodies. and all the dieting and all the shame that we put on big women, its gotta stop. and that our press and media and clothing shops have forgotten that the vast majority of women are over the size 14 makes me angrier beyond belief.
but again, this is my body. and why it is today is wrong. and i'm still angry. and i hate that i'm still angry. but i am. i am so angry at that doctor that i let every person i possibly can what he did to me. that he made me question myself. and i wish i could let go of the anger i have at this man. and no, its not because he's a man, its because he made me question myself. just thinking about how angry i am at him now brings the tears to my eyes. and the fact that he still practices in this city. and that i know that i'm not the only one he treated like he treated me.
so, i'll stop. i'm just rambling at this point. but i hope you get it. that i'm pro fat-feminist, but i'm not pro doctors who do what he did to me.
oh yeah, and the lesson i learned.. the biggest lesson i learned from all of it.. always question them. always question those doctors when your gut says too. they aren't gods and goddesses, they are our equals, they just know things we don't. just like we know things they don't. always question. always question. always quesiton. always question.
Posted by brooke at September 06, 2002 10.21.21 PM
Comments
amen to that!! When I had been diagnosed with this psuedo-tumor thing, I had to be really bitchy with the Dr's because they were trying to play G.O.D instead of M.D.
my favorite thing to do is to spout science right back at 'em and then tell them I'm a biochemist...they get all freaked out...:)
Posted by Gina at September 7, 2002 7:48 AM
watch your gums, brooke. topamax was hell on mine. depakote sucked, as did a variety of others. now i'm just waiting for the new ones to come out that will actually *work*.
Posted by cal at September 7, 2002 8:32 AM
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